This meeting will now come to order. Order, please. Everyone please take your coffee and your gluten-free cookies [hey, it’s my meeting; I made cookies I can eat] and find a seat. Great, thank you.
This meeting of the local chapter of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee is now in session. Welcome back, veterans, and greetings to those of you who are new this time. Whether you’ve just discovered us—possibly after trying on swimsuits and wondering if you should invite a friend to share the top with you or just stuff some extra socks in there—or are just now finding yourself ready to join, say, after having weaned that last baby and discovering the deleterious deflation effects therein, we’re happy to have you here.
We have just a few items on the agenda to discuss today, and then we’ll open up the floor to new business.
Okay, let me just get my papers organized, here… hang on. Ah, there we go. Okay! First item: Discussion of of a Warner’s boycott.
Now, ladies, we agreed to table this after the last meeting when several of you burst into tears, but it was agreed that we would discuss it at a later date, and here we are. I see a few confused faces out there, so for those who haven’t been privy to the previous discussions about this, allow me to give you the background.
Warner’s, as a major lingerie brand, has long been a friend to the small-busted amongst us. Their offerings tend to be reasonably priced, pretty without being too fussy, and—the item of most interest to many of us—they carry a wide variety of options in even smaller sizes. In fact, they’re one of the few brands which consistently carries underwires in smaller sizes, which those of us who are, ah, a bit older can appreciate even in our diminutive state. Being small doesn’t mean we don’t need shape and support, ladies!
In addition, they’re one of the few brands which has consistently offered front-closure options for those of us who are of delicate constitutions and prefer not to have the lump of a bunch of hook-and-eye closures in the middle of our backs.
However, over the years Warner’s has also consistently tormented us by discontinuing style after style. It’s almost as though as soon as we find the perfect bra, POOF, that’s the end of it. And in the last year the sizing has changed, as well, creating a situation wherein many of us have simply reached the end of our tolerance. Is it time to send a message to Warner’s, my sisters?
Oh, dear. I think… did she just faint? Quick, someone drive her down to TJ Maxx and revive her, please. Wow. I had no idea that this would still be such a charged issue. Let’s move on for the moment and vote at the end of the meeting, shall we? Okay, then.
Second item on the agenda: Weight loss. That’s right, I see a lot of nodding heads. Many of us dedicated ourselves to preparation for swimsuit season by getting fit and dropping a few pounds, and what happened? Exactly! Our already small breasts shrank even more. Yes, the Lord barely giveth and then the Lord taketh away. The Lord is kind of a jerk when it comes to this particular issue. But no matter! We have a couple of members working on a pamphlet to help ready new members and the uneducated amongst the masses on this important issue. Could you pass up what we have so far, please? Excellent, thank you.
Right… so the first section is about how losing weight is completely unnecessary if you have any ice cream in the freezer, anyway. Excellent point. And section two is about the perpetual cycle of how losing weight shrinks the boobs and makes your hips look bigger again and then you have to lose more weight and the whole thing can become quite dangerous. Excellent, excellent points. And finally there’s a swimsuit shopping guide, suggesting buying only those suits where the pieces can be purchased separately, and ideally with removable pads in the top.
Oh, c’mon now. No gasping. No one’s suggesting you augment all day long, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and it’s gonna be a hot one out there this year, so if you know a more desperate time than swimsuit shopping, I’d love to hear about it. Right.
For those of you whose recent weight loss has actually stranded you between cup sizes, we have a separate support group for that which meets the third Thursday of the month. See me after to get the details on that one.
And finally, we have a rather delicate item on the agenda I just want to cover very quickly. Those of you with daughters? We do offer a support manual called What To Do When Your Tween or Teen Outgrows You. A little bit of jealousy is normal, and with proper support for both of you, this doesn’t have to be a difficult time. The key point to bear in mind is that you’re only allowed to say “Just wait until you’re old like me, THEY DON’T LAST” once a month or so. Plenty of your sisters here have already been through this, and you can do it, too.
Any other items to cover for today? No? Don’t forget to consult our fine directory of tailors and boob tape suppliers, and remember: More than a handful’s wasted.
Okay, we’re handing out ballots for the Warner’s issue… please just drop them in the ballot box up here on your way out. And please take a few cookies with you. See you all next time!