When I was younger I kept a journal for years and years, and about 80% of it was grumbling and angst and violent fantasies about things I would do and say if the world was a different kind of place. (Why waste energy dreaming of a world where my angst didn’t exist? So much more satisfying to imagine telling my German teacher to stop looking down my blouse, you perverted creep!)
Nowadays I try to focus on the finding the joy in things which are real, rather than wishing for things which are not. Nonetheless, once an active imaginer… well, you know the rest. [Why does my spell check believe imaginer isn’t a word? Isn’t an imaginer a person who imagines?]
Nevertheless, today my fingers are itching to give in, and if you can’t indulge and bitch a bit on a Wednesday, well, what is Wednesday good for? Nothing, that’s what.
Dear Monkey’s teachers,
I love you. All of you. You are good and patient and smart and—I’m certain—kind to small animals. Your magnificence knows no bounds. How you handle a classroom full of children day in and day out with such aplomb is a mystery to me, and I am ever-grateful that you’ve come into our lives.
That said, if you continue to ignore my repeated requests that Monkey’s homework assignments be either 1) written down in his agenda or 2) stapled to his body (your choice! I’m not picky!), I am going to hunt you down and kill you in your sleep. I’m sorry. I hope it doesn’t come to that.
Love,
Mir
Dear Girlchild Who Is Inappropriately Obsessed With My Daughter,
I assume that you are not getting the love you need at home, and/or that you have difficulty making friends. I was patient and tolerant and encouraged kindness right up until the incident with permanent expo marker all over MY child’s (new) shirt. And no, she still doesn’t want to be friends with you. Because—quite frankly—you’re kind of a bitch.
Stop it. I suspect there is nothing more embarrassing than someone calling your mother when you’re already twelve and ALL GROWN UP and everything, but I am VERY CLOSE to calling your mother. It will not be pretty.
Love,
Mir
Dear Girlchild o’ mine,
Back away from the drama. BACK AWAY. Do not forward creepy emails to your friends so that you can all laugh at the poor obnoxious girl who is probably being so annoying because she desperately wishes you liked her. Do not respond to continued pleas for your locker combination with fake numbers. Grow a spine, remember your manners, and DEAL. Repeat after me: “I don’t give out my locker number.” “Please stop bothering me.” And learn to love the delete key, or learn to love life without email.
And stop rolling your eyes at your mother. Your brain isn’t fully formed, yet, and until then, you’re just going to have to trust me when I tell you this sort of thing has a way of coming back to BITE YOU ON THE BUTT. I’m just trying to help.
I SAID, stop rolling your eyes.
Go do the dishes.
Love,
Mom
Dear Licorice,
Thank you for saving my sanity this last month. You’re a delightful little beastie.
I totally forgive you for taking that ice cube you were playing with in the kitchen this morning (so cute! bat it! get it!) and putting it in your crate. You didn’t know.
However, please stop dragging your ass across the carpet. Because… ewwwww.
Love,
Mom
Dear Spellcheck,
Imaginer IS TOO a word.
Hmph.
Love,
Mir
Can you forward that first one to my third-graders teachers? Thanks!
How about: Dear School Admin Types, Please stop deforesting the planet. I don’t need seventy-leven different hand outs and forms every week, really I don’t, and did you know BTW that it takes more energy to recycle paper than is saved by doing so? Also, I don’t fund-raise, I won’t fund-raise and if even one more sniggle of fund-raising guilt is pointed in my direction I will quite possibly not even write the check I write in lieu of fund-raising.
Grrfff.
I take it Monkey’s teachers don’t read this blog. And I agree, Wednesdays are perfect for kvetching. (Another word that spell check won’t acknowledge)
I might have to give up Wordless Wednesday for Bitch a Bit Wednesday.
It’s always good to try something new!
I think you need to make “Back away from the drama” T-Shirts. I’d totally buy one. Or, rather, several.
More on the tangent of school fundraising!! My 2 year-old came home yesterday frop playschool with a flier full of tacky, cheap jewelry that we are supposed to sell. It includes items with “genuine CZ and faux pearls” and no metal is identified merely gold and silver tone. I can’t do this for 16+ years. I may need to homeschool.
Ummm… hate to tell you this… being bitch wednesday and all… but.. the dragging ass thing doesn’t go away. Some people will tell you to check to see if L has worms, etc.. but in general, once they do this, they just… do it. Ewww. is. Right. And.. spell check also missed (because it wasn’t misspelled) that you typed “imaginer is a world”. Don’t hate me Mir… ummm… LOOK… something SHINEY!!!…
Yeah…everything she said!
Oh and Megan, in defense of our forests…Paper is a plentiful, biodegradable, renewable, recyclable, sustainable product made from trees that provide jobs and income for millions of Americans. Thanks to improved forest management, we have more trees in America today than we had 100 years ago. To learn more about sustainable forestry visit http://www.sfiprogram.org. And yes to everything you said about fundraisers. I’m broke. Oh and BTW,I work for a forestry company..sorry!
I hear you, Mir. My child’s school offers an online homework calendar for 5th graders (because 5th grade moves children from “get the planner signed every night” to “umm, we do mid quarter reports”). Isn’t that cool? Wouldn’t it be even COOLER if they updated it on a regular basis? And…just for fun…how about doing those hit or miss updates for the upcoming week? As opposed to the previous week.
Dear Mir,
Thanks for continuing to kick ass and also for making me laugh (even when I don’t wanna).
Love,
me
[Okay, that one I would send.]
And on the opposite note…
Dear middle school parents,
No, my husband will NOT write your child’s assignments down in their agendas for them. (Nor staple them to their bodies, however much he may like to.) That sort of hand-holding was all well and good in elementary school, but your child is now 14. They can copy their homework assignments from the board to their agendas, or they can do without.
Not that he is allowed to fail them regardless.
Rini
Wednesday! UH! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!
Dear head,
Please stop it with the aching.
Most sincerely,
Me
Totally seconding Lylah’s suggestion about T-Shirts. Just make sure they come in Adult sizes, too. Too many people out there that have the adult shirt size, but still have the mindset of a middle schooler….
Damn. I waited too long to check your blog from work. Now all the clever stuff is taken.
What if I just bitch about that? What if I just bitch about the fact that I really needed to feel clever today and I can’t even get that to go right? And since I don’t feel clever, I’m having a REALLY hard time being nice? (I tried having a 3 Musketeers and even that didn’t help.)
Please, Mir, please make me feel better with a nice Love Thursday post. (No pressure. I just wait ALL week for it.)
Dear baby in my belly,
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, i put on a pair of regular dress pants with the bellyband. Everything fit. I walked briskly down the hallway to make sure nothing slid or was uncomfortable. I sat to put on socks. How big have you grown in the past 5 hours that I now feel like I am wearing a freakin’ corset?
Also, I understand that you may be a vegetarian, but your mama really misses meat.
Love, Mom
P.S. Eighteen weeks down, 22 to go. Can’t wait to meet you.
I read it as “imaginer is a world” and thought that was your intent not a Freudean slip.
Bitchin’ funny! but Thursdays are still my favorites.
Strange, my friend and I were just discussing this over lunch. A while back, there was a meme going around where you’re supposed to list 20 things you would love to say to various people in your life, without attaching names or context, both positive and negative. I went through the exercise of writing it, but couldn’t bring myself to publish it on Facebook. It was an excellent way to sort through my feelings, and was astounded to find that some things that used to irk or anger me have been forgiven, or at least I have gained new understanding of situations through the years. (On the other hand, some strong feelings have not lessoned.) I highly recommend it, if only for yourself.
I totally dare you to actually ask the teachers to staple the assignments to Monkey’s body. It’s so funny that it might get them to take you seriously once they have finished laughing. I’m sure they need to laugh more; they will appreciate it. And, just in case, you can have Monkey tell them “she was really just kidding about that stapling thing.”
For Licorice’s habit, I heard from my bf about this:
http://dogs.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Dog_Anal_Glands
“Your dog begins scooting or dragging his rear across the floor.”
I see his poodle do that too, but just with grass on walks.
Dear Earthquake Faults,
STAY STILL!
Love,
Aimee
Alternatively:
Dear My Boss,
When you have two employees with the same title, and one of them is not doing her job, there is no need to include the OTHER one in your lecturing. Be careful, or the OTHER one may decide to attack you with a letter opener.
Very truly yours, &c,
the OTHER one
I found myself telling my girlchild, “save the drama for your mama” and then realized I am the mama. SHOOT and I really don’t appreciate her saving it all for me.
and I totally think it’s Imaginista.
Dear Girl-child-o-mine,
I am sorry that you got lice at the beginning of the school year, and I know how much of a pain it was for daddy to comb carefully through your head until you thought you were bleeding from the scalp but you WILL be wearing your hair in braids, coasted with anti-lice essential oils for the foreseeable future so that we never have to go through it again. I have done too much laundry, vacuumed to much furniture and boiled too many brushes & combs to fold on this decree.
Love, the meanest mom is the world
p.s. A boy you know told his mom he likes your hair in braids. And no – I won’t tell you who…you’re too young.
Dear Elementary school kids,
Keep your head away from my kid or I’m coming to school with shears.
From – the lady who has almost lost her mind
p.s. Thanks Mir – I needed to get that off my chest.
I am totally being secret with this but I just HAVE to join in on this one.
Dear Hubby:
Please suck it up and stop whining about how you have two beautiful children and therefore can’t party non-stop like your douchebag lawyer friends all do because they are DIVORCED NOW BECAUSE THEY WERE ASSHOLES TO THEIR WIVES.
Ahem.
Love,
Me
oooh! oooh! I’d buy a “Back Away From the Drama” t-shirt!!!
another reason Monkey needs a para. i’m telling ya!
OMG Lori N, do I understand you! We had the exact same thing happen to us. Never want to go through it again. Ever. Please tell me where you can find anti-lice essential oils! Please!
I would TOTALLY buy that t-shirt! Do it! Do it! Do it!
It’s an imaginator, of course.
Libby buy Tea Tree Oil….then put a splash in your shampoo (tea tree oil shampoo is at least $6.50 a bottle here and I ain’t paying that for shampoo for four girls’) and buy regular hair gel and put a splash in there too. I blow dry my daughter’s hair every night as well. Then I put the tea tree oil gel in her hair every morning before school. I also advocate that my girls’ not be so touchy feely and never EVER again share hair things or borrow someone else’s sweater/jacket. Sorry Mir! Love need to bitch Wednesday!!!!
I would also buy that shirt!! :-)
Your dad said bitchin’!
Dear cat that my husband found at work almost dead from cold and called me to come and get:
I DON’T NEED A CAT! No, I will not name you Martini, even though that is CLEARLY your name. No, I will not let you tug on my heartstrings as you quietly mew underneath my desk in that box. QUIT WAVING YOUR CUTE PAWS AT ME! I see that you have WAY TOO MANY TOES on your feet. YES! I see that you are young and cute with a dirty face. NOOOOOO!
Somebody help me? Or Martini the cat with HELLA TOO MANY TOES will take up residence in my house.
I love this.
Dear Everyone at Work who Needs Something RIGHT NOW,
LEAVE ME ALONE. I am busy and have my own troubles.
Thank you.
Me
I really think you should go ahead and send the note to the dog. After all, she can’t read (Can she? Usually creatures who drag their butts across the carpet don’t have the higher functions it takes to read, but then again, sometimes my 8 year old behaves as if he doesn’t have higher brain functions and he reads very well…) and sending it might make you feel better.
As for the rest of the letters, I might just copy them and send them on to the appropriate people in my own life. *sigh*
I have a fourteen year old daughter. I NEED one of those shirts. Please?
Dear Dog That Even Mir Wouldn’t Like :
I didn’t appreciate the poop by the front door..
I especially didn’t appreciate the poop on my dining room table.
But really? On the two year old’s bed? While she was sleeping in it?
You’ve gone too far.
Not Love,
The Woman whose house this is
Dear Hubby,
Remember when I said that bone would give the dog runs and you were NOT allowed to give it to her?
You suck.
Love,
Pissed off wife cleaning dog poop off of everything we own.
Sounds like a hair trim in the bum region is in order. A friend of mine does that more often than the rest of the hair for just that reason.
Dear Middle School Child o’Mine:
When you tell me at 8:30pm that you have a huge lit test on “The Cay” and I offer to help you study. Please don’t roll your eyes over every damn question I ask you or I swear I will hug you in front of your friends the next time I have cafeteria duty at school.
Don’t mess with me buddy!
Love Mommy
Dear boy child,
You are three years old. Please, please make the poopy in the potty. Handing me your poopy big boy pants and then running away laughing is not working for me. Also, right now I’m next to you in your toddler bed. I don’t understand why you go hop right in bed when daddy does night time, but with me it’s all “don’t leave me!!!!”. Go to sleep so I can watch Glee.
Dear husband,
Please stop travelling over night. We miss you when you are gone.
Dear Neighbor,
You have a yard and you have a driveway. Your dog can poop there. My front yard and my driveway are not your dog’s personal toilet. Do not leave any more presents for me to deal with. The dog who lives in my house does not poop in my front yard or in my driveway. Why should yours?
Sincerely Yours,
Pissed Off Pooper Scooper
Kat,
Your 3yo has your number. Stop caring if he uses the potty (for real, they can see right thru an act) and it will miraculously happen. A motivation might help (some toy/trip that he does not get till it happens) but I would mention it & drop it. My “spirited” 3yo decided one day (last year) that she was done w/diapers. After much prodding, encouragement, etc… once I dropped it, I told her when she did decide she would get a trip to Cold Stone’s, and let it go. She talked about it, but I showed no interested on my own. Two weeks later, she decided & hasn’t had an accident.
Petunia,
I believe picking up said poop & depositing it on their porch w/a note might have the intended affect. If not, then try lighting it on fire the next time. :-)
Glad I could help solve the worlds’ problems.
Poor Licorice. My pup was doing that and sneezing her head off. She has allergies and gets an allergy shot in her butt every 6 months or so. No more ass dragging. :) Now if I can get her to figure out that she’s supposed to be a lap dog and NOT a chest dog.
Libby, lice LOVE a good clean head but heat from a blow dryer will kill them off. If your daughter has long hair then just blow drying the roots and scalp every 3 -4 days will be enough to keep the little beasties away.
Dear Holders of my Contract,
Please, FertheloveofGOd, MAKE UP YOUR MINDS! This week alone we have been packing up our stuff when the contract ends on September 30th, had a 30 day extension, a 90 day extension, a 120 day extension, and now we are at a 60 day extension that my company refuses to sign until you stop smoking crack.
Sincerely,
The person who has no authority, but makes sure your operation runs smoothly
Dear Petunia/Pissed Off Pooper Scooper
You might consider posting one of these in your front yard http://bit.ly/5cMP1. That will get the message across and you will no longer be a “Pissed Off Pooper Scooper”, just your own dog’s Pooper Scooper :)
Regards,
The People Who Make Dog Poop A Non-Issue
Oooh – I’m in.
Dear Virus that has been sucking the life out of me,
You suck. I know you’re a sneaky son of a gun, but you really need to move on now and go ruin someone else’s week. How about heading next door to the annoying neighbors house? They like taking my stuff anyway, so why not my cold?
Ktxbai.
Sincerely,
Hazhadenuf
Dear Angela,
WHAT??? I forgot the context and well, you creeped me out for a second there.
Sincerely,
Em of the Short Attention Span Ems
Laughed out loud in the office and didn’t care. :-) What an awesome way to start the morning.
Also, if your note convinces the teachers to do the homework thing? Please let me know, cause I have a candidate for the same treatment.
Dear Small Child’s 3rd Grade teacher –
Please stop sending me passive aggressive hints about my son’s ADHD and my need to take him back to the Dr. for a med check. YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT? I live with him for god’s sake and am fully aware that he has the attention span of a gnat on vacation. I’m working on it. Back off.
Love – tiredofyourcrapmommy
PS – All the Psychiatrists in my town- Please answer your phones. No really, anyone, if I have to leave another message that will never be answered, I might cry.
I believe the word coined by Walt Disney was ‘imagineer’. I don’t care what spellcheck says, it is too a word!
The doggie butt dragging? That may need a vet visit. Turns out some doggie anal glands get plugged and need to be expelled periodically… and better to have the vet do it than rely on Mother Nature. You wouldn’t believe the stench when whatever’s plugging the gland finally is expelled! So Licorice is just trying to tell you it’s “time.”
Dear Fleas that have suddenly infested my house:
I know you guys think you’ll give cockroaches some competition for world dominance after the nuclear holocaust, but in my house your days are numbered. There are entire companies dedicated strictly to your eradication, and I am prepared to make their stockholders’ hearts do happy little flipflops. Also, I am one determined mofo. I will use napalm if I have to. Prepare to die.
Signed,
Your Destiny
Dear Bank Account:
What is this shit? I keep putting money in you and you keep telling me I don’t have any money to spend. You are a dirty rotten liar, and I have stuff I need to buy. NEED I said! Next time I log on I expect you to say, in bold if possible, “Why yes Clarity, you DO have money for that, start spending immediately!” If you do, I will buy you something pretty. If you don’t, we need to start seeing other people.
Sincerely,
Account #84452762359
Dear Furniture projects:
Oh you guys, you’re such a pain in the ass. And in the arm, which is truly going to fall off if I have to sand you down one more time. Every pair of jeans I have has paint on them, and I blame you. You’ve made me neglect my house to the point where I had to clean for 3 hours straight today before the health department incinerated it. Do you know how annoying it is that nobody can go in the living room while you’re drying? Won’t you just look exactly like I want you to, perfect in every way, right now already?
Love,
Clarity
I had a similar post yesterday. Letter to my credit union. I got married in July and changed my last name. I informed my bank, but I am still going places and getting declined. UGHH!
Libby – I got so fed up I mortgaged my first born to buy products from FairyTales hair care. Apparently citronella, rosemary & tea tree oil are the keys to keeping lice away. Seem to be working, but then again how do you prove it works? Kids have had lice around my child before & she hadn’t gotten them before. But it’s good for my peace of mind.
Dear Appliances in My Home,
It was not MY decision to replace the fridge in our home with Mr. Stainless. I did not give up on the fridge; the fridge gave up on me. It is not my fault she couldn’t keep things cold any longer. I wish she could have, but it just didn’t happen. I had no choice but to bring Mr. Stainless home to replace her.
But you shouldn’t be afraid of your own standings in my home. I love all of you. There is really no reason for the dryer, the microwave and (sniff) the coffee maker to leave also. Really. Especially, the coffee maker. I thought I took such nice care of you using only distilled water. So why won’t you brew me a cup of coffee?
If you are planning on leaving me, you can just forget it! Mr. Stainless was expensive, and there are still YEARS of quality life in the rest of you. So let’s pretend you didn’t just quit. It was a momentary glitch, right?
I am more than willing to provide you with a happy home for the foreseeable future. Work with me here.
Me
PS If it turns out that I won the lottery or was left millions by someone, you may go your merry way in order to make room for the rest of Mr. Stainless’s family. Thanks.