I’m working on the score right now. I anticipate a smash hit, actually. There are lots of catchy songs, and I dunno, they just CAME to me. Almost like I already knew them.
Let’s see. There’s “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Lung Fungus.” And “Try Ev’ry Sump Pump.” Oh! An adorable number for the children, of course, called “Doh! Wasn’t Me!” There’s one with puppets, called “The Lonely Blogger.” What else… oh! A big production number, “Go Wrong, So Well.” There’s also a soft ballad (for variety, you understand) called “Dandelions.” And a cute little romantic number, “Thirty-Four Going On Eighty-Five.”
But the best one, well, I think I’m ready to share it with you. I’d like to sing it for you, but you’ll just have to imagine. I hope you like it. It’s sort of my baby. It’s called “My Suckiest Days.”
Torrential downpours and drainage pipe floodings
Swamps in my basement and ruined belongings
Mildewy carpets and creeping mold—yay!
These are a few of my suckiest daysWell-dressed adjustors and terse claim denials
Ant infestations and buckets in piles
Bronchitis (or maybe black lung from decay)
These are a few of my suckiest daysNow there are squirrels in my garage hiding
I forgot trash day; the kids are colliding
Meds, rest… still, lungs only working halfway
These are a few of my suckiest daysWhen the kids fight
When the check’s late
When I’m feeling cursed
I simply remember my suckiest days
And know it could be much worse!
If I knew Ty Pennington, I would totally have him whisk you off to a spa, take the kids to Disneyland, and build ya’ll some new digs.
This post is why I read you Mir. Because you can laugh at adversity and make the rest of us laugh right along with you. I hope things get better soon. But if nothing else, hey, it’s given you some stellar blog material. ;)
I just watched the Sound of Music today (for, like, the 50th time), so when I read ‘How do you solve a problem like Lung Fungus’ I could hear the tune in my head!! You know which one I’m talking about?
At least you’ve got a positive lookout on this whole wet and moldy stuff. It could always be worse!
Is it a comment on how good a writer you are or how many times I’ve seen TSOM that I just sang the Suckiest Day song aloud and it totally worked?
I think it has hit potential!
Mir you rock. I like, Erin and Deb, totally thought the song worked – er I refrained from singing it out loud…althought Arlo might like it.
I may rip this off from you and use it on the air…I’ll give you credit credit. I now present my presentations of My Suckiest Days by Woulda Coulda Shoulda Mir… send sump pumps and donations to…
Bravo! Much better than those original ridiculously fluffy lyrics.
That is absofuckinutely brilliant, Mir. My hat, if I had one, would be off to you.
Brilliant, wonderful, hilarious!!! Please share more of your “original” compositions, when you are not manning the bilge pumps.
Hope your lung-fungus thing gets better soon.
Well, I did actually have to sing it. I couldn’t just read it. The dog gives my rendition two tail wags of approval.
Seriously though, why not team up with your director friend from two towns over and put together a montage? “Still Life With Mir” or maybe “Still, Life With Mir”?
You could dramatize a handful of vignettes. It could be a delightful and bizarre experience.
I would totally fly to the soggy NE to see it. See? You’ve already sold one ticket and the play isn’t even in production yet! Look at you go!
Yeah, I can just see you dancing on an Alp with edelweiss (dandelions) and kinder at your feet, singing. And weezing.
…Oh, I so hope this new (and quite wonderful) song knocks “The Lord said to Noah, there’s gonna’ be a floodie floodie” right out of my brain!! Been singing that one since LAST WEEK!
You are twisted. And I like that in a person.
Pie is on the way!
Vintage!
Were you feeling Trapped? (groan).
As long as there is sarcasm, there is hope.
Brava! I’m going to make the children play clothes out of curtains right now. (Oh yeah, I forgot I can’t sew.)
You have ants too? Cool! We’re infestation twins!
Even in your darkest hour, you are hilarious, Ms. Thang.
And, for a title (destined to become a classic), may I suggest The Sound of Mucus?
Hang in there, Mir.
Although I must say that when adversity smacks you down, you come back up with the funniest shit. I mean that in a good way.
*applauding wildly*
Bravissima, Mir! Jaunty, yet tragic, with just a soupcon of snark. Most excellent.
Perhaps this means you will be meeting a retired military officer with many children. Wait, that’s even suckier.
Hang in there, Mir.
Oh, Mir… you are too good at that. Yet, you need to stop making me laugh at your misfortune!!! It makes me feel terrible afterward!
in all seriousness, you are in my prayers.
What a riot! I love it. I also love David’s suggestion for the name.
You never know, Weird Al, could record it for you!!!
I think you should record the entire musical, then sell the CDs online and at blogher. Definitely a cult classic waiting to hit.
Brava! Excellent. And David’s suggestion for the name is perfect.
And don’t forget that show-stopper, “I have fungus lungs in me”
Hope it all settles down soon.
I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you still amuse the hell out of the rest of us, despite it all. That makes you very resilient, Mir.
I’ve already played backup for another young actor’s one-woman show. Hot dang! If you want to take your Von Crap Family Plumbers on the road, let me know! Forget Weird Al – have accordion, will travel.
And now I’ve got to blog about my gig!
As to your never-ending misfortunes, I’m not worried a bit. You are every bit as spunky as Maria and “I have confidence in you!”
This is the hottest hit since “Popo Zao”!
Big money for you if you sing this at BlogHer wearing a Maria Von Trapp dirndl skirt with a black leather bustier.
The Mighty Mir does not deserves such suckness, even though said suckness provides us with Mir Mirth.
Oh dear Lord, how are you managing to be so funny in the midst of such despair?? LOVE the musical, if I had anything to invest, I would TOTALLY be your investor. Oprah has The Color Purple, I have Mir.
Hang in.
I was totally humming along to that. I love it!
I just sang your song to my husband and it was magical. He started chiming in for the last line because it was JUST THAT CATCHY. I see Broadway in your future. Probably a sequel musical as well, and then a Best of Mir musical show, and then a show that has nothing to do with your actual show but includes all the same songs with a totally different (and sucky) plot.