I mean it. I totally SHOULD be a movie critic, except for the part where I hardly ever see movies. Minor technicality.
But when I DO see movies, I’m always just! so! excited! And I hear that enthusiasm is really more important than expertise, in many things. Perhaps that’s true for movie reviews. Maybe not. You can be the judge. Just so long as you agree that I am right.
This weekend I have already seen TWO movies! This represents an eighty kajillion percent increase over… ummm… every other weekend. So much excitement… I just don’t know. It might not be good for my health. So far, I’m bearing up remarkably well under the strain. However, if by some stroke of fate I end up seeing ANOTHER movie tomorrow? I’m pretty sure it will create a rift in the space-time continuum.
So yesterday, I went and saw V for Vendetta in an actual movie theatre. Just being amongst stadium seating and a big screen and other humans was pretty exciting, for me. Plus those celebrity facts they show prior to the movie are really thrilling. (Okay, I’m lying about that part.)
It was a true adventure, is what I’m trying to tell you. I hardly even minded that more and more, I notice that in such settings there is an alarming number of young people wandering around post-violent-skirmish; some of them haven’t even had time to hike their pants back up or remove all of those sharp objects from their faces.
Here are the top 10 things I learned during V for Vendetta:
1) Natalie Portman is VERY skinny.
2) No, seriously. I wanted to give her a sandwich.
3) The future is scary.
4) But British people always sound right, even when they’re not.
5) Natalie Portman is still hot when she’s bald.
6) I’m easily confused.
7) I’m guessing there’s a dimmer switch in the control room that handles the theatre lights.
8) I’m guessing someone in the control room was getting lucky and didn’t realize they’d turned the lights on a little and was causing them to flicker in the middle of the film.
9) I’m glad someone else got up and dealt with it after 10 minutes of flickering lights.
10) There is no number 10.
And THEN! Tonight I watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose on DVD. Not as thilling as going to the theatre, but still! Two movies in one weekend! I AM WILD AND CRAZY! And guess what is NOT a good movie for two women to watch alone, in the dark? GUESS!
Here are the top 10 things I learned during Emily Rose:
1) Friends don’t let friends get possessed by demons.
2) Laura Linney could store small children in her dimples.
3) With the right music, it’s really terrifying when people leak black stuff out of their eyes.
4) The nice thing about a DVD is that you can pause and turn the lights on or crack a joke to break the tension without missing any of the movie.
5) Don’t watch a movie containing a lot of demon-sensitive cats in a house with a pet cat unless it won’t give you a heart attack for said cat to streak across the room during the film.
6) Everyone sounds possessed when they speak in Aramaic.
7) 3:00 in the morning is demon time. Who knew?
8) “Based on a true story” can actually mean “totally made up based on a thing we heard about once.”
9) Demons like to eat bugs.
10) Still no number 10.
Don’t hate me because my life is so exciting.