This is what happens when I inhale bleach

I am gripped with spring cleaning fever, even though it’s not spring and I hate to clean. It’s just that every so often I reach saturation on the amount of clutter in my house and become a small tasmanian devil with The Garbage Bag of Doom.

The children do not like The Garbage Bag of Doom, for it signals the end of many of their most significant relationships. I get into this mode, I’m all about shovelling away the random drawings, magazine clippings, happy meal toys, etc. As I gradually uncover actual surfaces, I whip out the Fantastik and wipe down the newly discovered tabletops. And then! It smells nice! And looks nice! And I am happy!

So, in my toxic fume euphoria, I’ve decided to share the joy. Let’s have a contest!

One of the things I came across today in my cleaning frenzy is the press pack for The Mothers’ Group, a new book by M. Elizabeth Clark. And then I saw that the very pretty Mary Tsao wrote a review of that very same book just today. This is FATE, I’m telling you!

Go read Mary’s review, because I am far too inhalant-addled at the moment to say anything useful, but I can tell you that this book has a really nifty cover and if you got a press pack (which I did!) it came with a nice black diaper bag featuring said cover art, plus a matching water bottle. But guess what! I don’t have a baby, so I don’t need a diaper bag! Even one as super-cute as this. But maybe YOU have a baby! Maybe someone you KNOW has a baby! Maybe you have a museum of diaper bags at your house! Or cannot think of a good place to store your collection of pet rocks!

Maybe, you would like me to send this diaper bag and water bottle to you, because I am all about the love and the sharing. And, apparently, adorable promotional items.

So here is what you do: You leave a comment on this post about spring cleaning. Only… let’s make it interesting. I’m feeling nostalgic for the old days of the Haiku Smackdown (must be because it’s almost spring). Write a haiku about spring cleaning by 11:59 pm eastern on Friday. (Why then? I do not know. Because you should be in bed by midnight, I guess.) On Saturday I will pick my favorite haiku, and then we will have our winner for the “The Mothers’ Group” swag.

To recap:
1) Go read Mary’s review of “The Mothers’ Group.”
2) Decide that you simply cannot live another day without cool promotional mommy items.
3) Write me a haiku about spring cleaning, and leave it here in the comments.
4) Possibly win prizes!
5) Even if you don’t win prizes, experience the joy that can only come from the application of Japanese verse.

28 Responses to “This is what happens when I inhale bleach”

  1. 1
    crazyjane March 17, 2006 at 1:29 am #

    spring cleaning sucks ass.
    i try to never do it.
    that’s why i had kids.

  2. 2
    Contrary March 17, 2006 at 7:35 am #

    Spring cleaning: not fun
    Sitting on my ass: so fun
    Guess what I’m doing.

    (P.S. crazyjane should totally win)

  3. 3
    Zuska March 17, 2006 at 9:21 am #

    No babies in my house, BUT a pregnant co-worker, so here goes:

    Ah! Like winter snow,
    the dust has made a landscape
    so serene. Why clean?

  4. 4
    Melanie Lynne Hauser March 17, 2006 at 9:41 am #

    Oh, wow. My entire blog post today is devoted to cleaning products, in tribute to my Spring cleaning frenzy. Great minds think alike!

    Haiku, it sucks ass.
    Can’t get the hang of it. So -
    I won’t even try.

  5. 5
    chris March 17, 2006 at 9:48 am #

    I suck at these things, but here it goes:

    Lysol, Swiffer, Bleach
    The source of clutter gone-
    I will miss those kids

  6. 6
    Bob March 17, 2006 at 10:08 am #

    the LAST thing I need is a diaper bag, but I can’t resist a challenge.

    Sore foot, squashed tiny toy.
    Vacuum, dust, mop, polish, trash.
    Foot avenged, peace again.

    or

    Time for spring cleaning.
    Where’s my pokeman, Barbie doll?
    House newly clean, kids bereft.

  7. 7
    Amanda March 17, 2006 at 10:22 am #

    Fucking FlyLady.
    I don’t want to wear my shoes.
    Shining sinks is dumb.

  8. 8
    Stephanie Chance March 17, 2006 at 10:26 am #

    Oh, I didn’t know
    that chocolate melted there
    since Halloween. Yuck!

  9. 9
    liz March 17, 2006 at 10:37 am #

    Animal crackers
    Ground deep into the carpet
    Damn vacuum cleaner

  10. 10
    britexan March 17, 2006 at 10:43 am #

    wildlife in the spring
    dust bunnies in the sunshine
    i must get a maid

  11. 11
    Lauren March 17, 2006 at 10:53 am #

    SPRING CLEANING (A Haiku)

    Stir up dust bunnies;
    clumps of God-knows-what. Swiffers
    are genius. (Cough, cough.)

  12. 12
    Jenn2 March 17, 2006 at 11:14 am #

    Even though I’m 5 months pregnant,I can’t say I’m hankerin for a diaper bag. But I love reading the haiku and I have to say, Amanda…BWAAAAHahahahahaha. I wrote that down and pinned it to my mirror.

  13. 13
    Chewie March 17, 2006 at 11:29 am #

    Um…I would love to carry something cuter than what I have for a diaper bag…but the littlest one should be trained in a few months, and I don’t want to be a bag hog…and…the babies are all White…what’s up with THAT? HA

    And I don’t have a haiku in my bag o’ tricks today…I’m making an amazing butterfly bday cake instead…creativity has its limits.

    Chewie

  14. 14
    LeeMarie March 17, 2006 at 1:11 pm #

    My baby’s due
    Now spring cleaning too,
    Achoo, achoo, achoo

    Ok, I am lame. My due date is 9/17/06 and I love to read your blog. You make me smile, everyday. :-)

  15. 15
    Liz March 17, 2006 at 1:16 pm #

    Any rules on multiple entries???

    Windows caked in grime,
    Baseboards sporting furry coats
    Oh yuck, spring cleaning

    (Cleaned that one up a bit for you.)

    or

    The neighbors were stunned
    to hear the desperate cry,
    “I hate spring cleaning!”

    or

    take walks, play baseball
    go run wild with the wee ones
    hell with spring cleaning

  16. 16
    bec 36 March 17, 2006 at 2:06 pm #

    I have a baby, and love free stuff, so I was going to participate, but…
    I just know I can’t write anything about spring cleaning that sums it up like Zuska did. Plus, she’s got the Haiku rhythm down. She’s your winner!

    bec :D

  17. 17
    Shari March 17, 2006 at 2:34 pm #

    Spring is not the time
    for cleaning. Open windows -
    Let the fresh air in!

  18. 18
    Liz March 17, 2006 at 2:37 pm #

    But today is really all about the limerick!

    My house is a mess of dirt and dust.
    On my hands and knees Swiffer I must
    All through day and through night
    I must look a right fright
    While the kids get to play! Its unjust!

  19. 19
    Laura March 17, 2006 at 2:55 pm #

    Sort, toss, scrub, scrape (gross)
    Dust (blink blink) and polish (cough)
    Martini time (aaaah)

  20. 20
    Shari March 17, 2006 at 3:03 pm #

    I have another one:

    Clean, clean, vacuum, mop,
    Kids in backyard make mud pies,
    This will not end well.

  21. 21
    Stephanie Chance March 17, 2006 at 3:32 pm #

    I agree with bec 36. Zuska’s is great.

  22. 22
    dad March 17, 2006 at 3:39 pm #

    clean floors avoid
    tripping over iambic pentameters
    haikus rule

    Hey, I’m not even eligible for “The Mothers’ Group.

  23. 23
    Jenn2 March 17, 2006 at 4:18 pm #

    Okay,I tried to resist but I thought of a really good one.

    To Clorox and Pledge,
    Swiffer, Mr. Clean, I say
    MAZEL TOV, SUCKA!!!

    Dang, I’m good. And to top it off, I’m 5 months pregnant.

  24. 24
    alala March 17, 2006 at 6:35 pm #

    Spring-clean this here house?
    Whyever would I do that?
    My kids still live here.

  25. 25
    Heather March 17, 2006 at 7:18 pm #

    A small apartment
    Shouldn’t get this full of junk
    Yes, sir, three bags full

  26. 26
    Heather Cook March 17, 2006 at 9:44 pm #

    Ass Dragging, Cleaning
    Better Than a Root Canal,
    But Not By Much, Eh?

    There you go, a Canadian Spring Cleaning Haiku… and I’m 4.5 months pregnant!

  27. 27
    SpringMustCome March 17, 2006 at 10:43 pm #

    Dust motes dance in a
    sunfilled line. I’m happy to
    see sun. I don’t mind.

    I’m sure I’ve broken upteen rules here – but if you like it, donate it to a shelter for me, would ya?

  28. 28
    osteff March 20, 2006 at 5:23 pm #

    Eat Ramen Noodles
    Hire a cleaning lady

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