First things first: I am continuing my deep and abiding love for Tae Kwon Do. Not only did Chickadee crane around and flap her belt at me in excitement today (“LOOK MAMA,” she mouthed, “ALL MY STRIPES!”), but I arrived for pick-up in time to watch the class go through a short routine where there was punching and positioning and HI-YAing and it was really quite impressive.
And not just because MY wonderful and talented child (who is, by the way, one of the youngest in the class) was one of maybe only 5 (in 30 kids!) who had successfully passed both memorization quizzes and earned maximum stripes. (Aren’t you glad I’m not one of those moms who brags on her kids?)
Anyway. Likely I cannot, you know, form a fulfilling relationship with Tae Kwon Do wherein it brings me snacks while I’m watching television. For that, I may need one of those, um, you know. Man-things. A guy. But you KNOW how I feel about the whole guy thing. So I thought I’d get some perspective from a friend of mine who is perhaps not as jaded and cynical and I am.
The problem is that said friend and I had a long and bizarre IM conversation and I fully intended to save it so as not to lose a single morsel of bizarro goodness. But somehow I closed the window and it was lost. POOF! Gone. Now I can share the gist, and a few of the more notable particulars, but truly, it was a masterpiece.
A masterpiece of horrors.
The background is this: My friend uses one of those online dating things. The same one, in fact, that I’ve been toying with joining for real. (And by “toying with” I of course mean “my mother has been pestering me about.”) Right now, you see, I have only free membership. Which means that if an actual normal male human came along and wanted to talk to me, and I wanted to talk back, the site will tell me “Too bad, you have to give us money first! Nyah nyah!”
Now, I’ve not been having much luck as a free member–nor do I really care all that much, at this point–but my friend has been a very busy lady. This site has brought all manner of dates her way. She lives in a much more metropolitan area than I do, which is what I choose to believe is the reason for the discrepancy. As opposed to, say, the fact that she’s prettier and more interesting than I am. Anyway.
We happened to be online at the same time, and this is approximately what transpired between us:
Her: I went out on a date with a new guy last weekend, did I tell you?
Me: Nope, what happened to the comedy guy?
Her: It was a disaster. Oh, I saw him last night. Which was even MORE of a disaster.
Me: Why? I thought things were so great?
Her: Oh, they WERE.
Me: Uh oh.
Her: Oh, we went out for a great dinner. Wound up back at his place. Things were going nicely.
Me: … and…?
Her: He has some… interesting sexual interests.
Me: Oh no.
Her: And by interesting I mean ANAL.
Me: Oh. Dear. Ewww.
Her: And apparently I am a huge prude! For not being interested! For feeling that thousands of years of evolution cannot be wrong!
Me: I don’t think most women would willingly smear their genitalia with feces. I don’t get why men are willing to go that route.
Her: God, I hadn’t even thought of it that way. More ewwwww.
Me: Oh lord… I’m not laughing AT you… I’m… okay, I AM laughing at you. But also with you. Also? Seriously??
Her: Yes. Excuse the hell out of me. My clit is over HERE.
Me: Perfectly good place for that just a tad forward!
Her: Sorry, this one is exit only!
Me: I’m going to wet my pants.
Her: So, um, I don’t think I’m going to be seeing HIM again.
Me: No? Ya think?
Her: I am still trying to figure it out. He seemed so normal.
Me: So, uh, I was gonna ask you if I should go ahead and pay to sign up. But I’m thinking maybe not…?
Her: Oh, no, you should. It’s entertaining, aside from the humiliations.
Me: I’m afraid. More afraid, now, actually, after talking to you.
Her: Did I ever tell you about this one weird guy’s idea of foreplay?
Me: … no…?
Her: He wanted me to throw a pie in his face.
Me: Whaaaaaa? No. You made that up.
Her: I DID NOT. HE WANTED ME TO THROW A PIE IN HIS FACE.
Me: Because kissing is so old school…?
Her: I have no idea. Freaked me right out. BUT, he was a match from them.
Me: Perhaps there isn’t a checkbox for “enjoys pastry foreplay.”
Her: On the other hand, remember the nice nerd guy?
Me: Yeah, I think so.
Her: He was a fix-up from a woman at work. He joined the matching service and they basically said “We will never be able to find anyone for you, so here, we don’t even want your money.”
Her: SERIOUSLY. They completely REJECTED him. Meanwhile, we’ve had several perfectly nice dates.
Me: I had no idea they would even do that to people.
Her: Go figure. He’s a nice guy.
Her: In fact, I think I’d have to call this a successful relationship. Yeah. No pouting demands for anal sex, no pies in the face. This is the healthiest relationship I’ve had in a long time.
Me: Which part of this is supposed to be making me want to get out there and date, exactly…?
Her: Oh, was that what I was supposed to be doing?
Her: You should write about this.
Me: Don’t worry, I plan to.
So you get the general idea. It’s good to have friends who can really share with you, like that. And reaffirm your decision to remain safely inside the house.