Things you need to know

In the interest of full disclosure, there are some things which I believe need to be pointed out to you fine folks. I would hate for there to be any confusion about important issues.

At the time of this posting, I have raised $2,525 for the upcoming Susan G. Komen 3-Day in August–over half of my goal. This includes, I believe, an anonymous donation of $1,000. I am awed and humbled by everyone’s generosity. Special thanks to other walkers who’ve shared their stories in comments or emails; to say that today has been inspiring would be a gross understatement.

Julie takes issue with my post and has asked for a correction. Sadly, I must accede. It’s true. I fibbed. When I said that “I (gently) made fun of her very 80′s hairdo” I was hiding the truth. I mocked her mercilessly, for years. But now that she has cancer I just like to pretend I’m always nice to her. Sue me.

I am being stalked by the chiroquactor’s office. Yet again, I’m grateful to have Caller ID. See, I’d fully planned to have my say with them before I stopped going, but it ended up being one of those “choose your battles” sorts of situations and I merely cancelled my remaining scheduled appointments and stopped going. Now they call here at least once a day (reaching my answering machine, because when I see it’s them, I don’t pick up). And they NEVER LEAVE A MESSAGE, which–I’m sorry–is CREEPY. My neck is better and YOU CANNOT HAVE MY IMMORTAL SOUL OR ANY MORE OF MY MONEY SO GO AWAY.

This is the freakiest winter we’ve had in a very long time. Between the near-60s temps interspersed with freak snowstorms at all the wrong times, I’m scanning the sky for locusts and/or frogs. As the saying goes, something ain’t right. We’re also going to be having school until August, since every time it finally DOES snow, school is cancelled.

Speaking of the weather, I’ve had it with my local news.
1) I’m pretty sure something else is happening in the world other than our freaky winter. We get it. The weather is weird. Move on.
2) When I turned on the TV at 6 this morning, school wasn’t cancelled. Actually, it was, but not according to the news. Annoying.
3) This guy really needs to change his name. I can’t take him seriously.

I let my children go play in the snow in their pajamas today. Well, I did make them put their snowsuits over the top. Still. It was a snow day, they were both getting over being sick, and by 3:00 or so they were driving each other (and me) INSANE. I declared that it was time to go out and clear the driveway and there was NO TIME TO GET DRESSED. They played along and before I knew it, Monkey had Chickadee buried up to her neck in the side yard. It was the best they got along all day. Later, as they resumed bickering in a nice warm bath, I threatened to throw them back out and bury them both. Because I’m a great mom like that.

I called the doctor’s office today and had a lovely chat with a nurse there. I explained that Boobpusapalooza doesn’t seem to have concluded quite yet, and perhaps we could see about, well, changing that? She checked my chart and said, “Oh, you saw Dr. Backup, so let’s put you in with him again–” and then I was explaining that no, actually, as much as I enjoyed sharing my infected breast with the nice doctor, I really would like to see MY doctor, the one who DOESN’T HAVE A PENIS. So! Tomorrow morning I shall go get felt up again, but I’m hoping that it will be less embarrassing.

I wore my new heon porange snowsuit to clear the snow off the driveway today. Preliminary reports from the moon confirm that yes, it DOES make my butt look big. Also, I may or may not have wiped out at the end of the driveway while attempting to turn the snowblower around. Also it is absolutely true that no matter how long you wait to clear the driveway, the city plow will not come through until just after you’ve finished (leaving a ridge of snow at the end of the drive).

23 Responses to “Things you need to know”

  1. 1
    moxiemomma January 23, 2006 at 11:36 pm #

    wankum is pretty bad, but what about that joe shortsleeve? just makes me think of joe shortpants (not a real person that i know of) who must be a little kid or something…er…other…

    unbelievable fundraising there. you go!

  2. 2
    Jenn January 23, 2006 at 11:38 pm #

    I believe with all my heart that every household should be provided with Caller ID for free. My parents don’t have it, they say that by the time you get up and walk to the phone to see who it is, you might as well just answer it, to which I say HA! I don’t have to get up and walk to the phone, our satellite box is hooked into the phone line, so the tv tells who is calling!

    I’d wondered what ever happened with the chiroquactor and the inflated insurance bills. What doctor office calls and doesn’t leave a message? Weirdos. Sandal-wearing weirdos.

  3. 3
    ben January 24, 2006 at 12:13 am #

    I prefer ALL my doctors to be the penis-less variety. Which is causing all kinds of problems because our marriage counselor, apparently, HAS a penis, and let me tell you: it just isn’t working for me.

    No, I prefer our previous marriage counselor, who had such an unpronouncable name (she’s from Finland or Iceland or Greenland or some other land) that we just called her “E.”

    Um, what were we talking about again? Oh, yeah, I feel like a heel since I haven’t donated to your walk. I’m groveling (really, you should see it, and it makes it difficult to type) for your forgiveness, and hope to amend my ways. Soon.

  4. 4
    Fraulein N January 24, 2006 at 9:15 am #

    Hee, “Wankum.”

    Your chiroquactor’s office is officially creeping me the hell out. They’re practically stalking you now. Run, don’t walk, away!

    Also: “Wankum.” Heee.

  5. 5
    Contary January 24, 2006 at 9:36 am #

    Ok, well. I was gonna leave a nice thoughtful post congratulating you on your good work and envying the snow and yada yada yada, but the 3 year old just started hollering from his bed. I suspect one of the dogs woke him. I am not so much in love with the dogs right now.

    So. Congrats! Envy! Yada!

  6. 6
    Chris January 24, 2006 at 9:46 am #

    I was really hoping that a picture of the new snow suit was going to be on the link! Please, please post one:)
    And on a serious note, I think it is great what you are doing in honor of your friend. The sooner we can get rid of cancer, the better off we’ll all be.

  7. 7
    chris January 24, 2006 at 10:00 am #

    We are having the same freaky weather. My kids were convinced that Spring was here this past weekend, despite what I told them because evidently I know NOTHING.
    So now their bikes are buried in the snow…along with the good shovel.

  8. 8
    Nothing But Bonfires January 24, 2006 at 10:41 am #

    NO! I’m sorry, but WANKUM?

    WANKUM???? DOES HE EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? How could he a) not change his name? and b) enter a profession in which he appears on television so the number of people who can laugh at his name are instantly multiplied by thousands?

    My office-mate and I keep list a list of weird names we run into: so far our best conquests are Jessica Firesheets and Kathy Crapp.

    Now, however, Mike Wankum is top of the list.

  9. 9
    Aimee January 24, 2006 at 10:47 am #

    Wankum?! Heh.

    Given your chiroquactor’s stalkish behavior, I’m thinking someone needs to make a movie about a psychotic chiro.

    Oh, and you may not be able to take Wankum seriously, but at least he’s not saying the things the so-called weather people say out here in San Diego. “Today, we struggled to get to 60 degrees.” Oh! the humanity!

  10. 10
    Em January 24, 2006 at 11:03 am #

    I would have less of a problem with Mike Wankum’s name if he was a Native American banker or something. Joe Shortsleeve definetly has Wankum beat, especially because (to be ironic?) he NEVER WEARS THEM!

  11. 11
    Surcie January 24, 2006 at 11:11 am #

    How I would love to have the kind of friendship you and Julie share! Bless you both.

  12. 12
    Melanie Lynne Hauser January 24, 2006 at 11:17 am #

    I would really love to see you in that snowsuit…and I’m so with you concerning the weather. Ugh. Stay cold, stay warm – just pick one!

  13. 13
    tamand January 24, 2006 at 11:37 am #

    Wanted to share a politician name that keeps popping up here in Wisconsin. Dan Kapanke. Now I know that his real name is not funny, but imagine if his folks had had the sense to name him Hank. Oh, I just love it. Made me giggle everytime his campaign commercials played.
    Also — you’ve inspired me! I’ve requested the 3Day brochure. My grandma fought breast cancer, and while IT didn’t take her, it sure made her life HELL! So, I hope to walk in August, for her.
    BTW, your blog rocks!

  14. 14
    Stephanie January 24, 2006 at 11:37 am #

    At least Mike’s last name isn’t Hunt. I actually worked with a guy named that. I was the receptionist. Try announcing that name over a loud speaker without giggling.

  15. 15
    Stephanie January 24, 2006 at 11:39 am #

    There is a visitor for Mike Hunt at the front desk…

  16. 16
    Cele January 24, 2006 at 12:29 pm #

    I grew up with the last name Furby, long before the cute little possessed dolls. Mine refuses to talk sleeps all the time…so I know a whole slew of nasty names now to call it, but I can’t bring myself to being that mean.

    Pick you battle time soon, before they drive you to insanity Mir. A stalking, sandle wearing (in the snow mind you) Quacker is not a good thing, chop him off at the knees then share the juicy details with us.

  17. 17
    wheelomatic January 24, 2006 at 1:41 pm #

    Wankum is bad enough but the HAIR! OMG the hair! That was a choice!

    Hope the boobie is better soon.

  18. 18
    Snow January 24, 2006 at 6:04 pm #

    I would have a very hard time taking Mr. Wankum seriously, too. Poor guy. I’ll bet he gets a lot of shit for that name.

    I know a woman whose name is Honeybee, and she takes a load of crap all the time, too.

  19. 19
    Ms Sisyphus January 24, 2006 at 7:13 pm #

    Wankum. Heee! I went to highschool with a Mike Hunt. And every time he was called to the office (which was often) was a special treat.

    Yay for PJs in the snow! That’s how I take Diva Girl to school just about every day.

  20. 20
    Amy-GO January 24, 2006 at 10:25 pm #

    Somehow it is Tuesday night and I’m just now cathching up with you…I’m so sorry about your friend. I’ll donate, I’ll pray, please keep us updated!

    Wankum! Wrong, so, so wrong.

  21. 21
    margalit January 25, 2006 at 12:26 am #

    In the interest of being fair and truthful, Mike’s last name is NOT pronounced Wank-em, which would be really funny, but is Wonk-um, which is pretty weird. Joe Shortsleeve also drives me nuts. Who would KEEP Shortsleeve as a last name? And then there’s Dickie…. Dick Albert. They call him Dickie on the air. I’d just about die if someone did that to me.

    I can’t believe you have snow days. In my city, they don’t believe in EVER calling off school. We had school that day of the blizzard and my kid had to walk home in it. We’ve had one snow day this year, which was only called because parents were SO pissed that we had school the day of the blizzard that there were threats of law suits. My kid got home 2.5 hours late, but a friends kid got home at 7:30 pm after 1 bus ran into a snowbank and got stuck, a second bus broke down, and the third bus wouldn’t start once the kids got on board. She was taken home in a police car!

  22. 22
    t. geissler March 19, 2006 at 9:44 pm #

    I think that “Wankum” is a fine name! Irish, isn’t it?

  23. 23
    t. geissler March 19, 2006 at 9:44 pm #

    I think that “Wankum” is a fine name! Irish, isn’t it?

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