Needing to need

Many of my loved ones are people I characterize as being islands. You know the sort–they can HANDLE it, all by themselves, thankyouverymuch. In times of adversity I am always one of the first to smack these people around and say “You don’t NEED to be an island. Let some people in… you may be pleasantly surprised at how much it HELPS.”

Of course, I know this island sort, because I am one of them.

I believe in asking for help when you need it. But I don’t need it, you see.

Shut up.

Okay, so sometimes I need it. Little by little, I have figured out the areas in my life where I require help, and even more slowly, I’ve learned to reach out in those cases.

Except that now, I am flailing amidst a whole new kind of crisis, and it managed to fall on the same weekend when I have company. Lucky me! Lucky them! Needless to say this is helping my anxiety level tremendously, as there’s nothing better than having anxiety attacks unless it’s having anxiety attacks in front of the one person I desperately don’t want to have see me like this.

Good times.

An interesting thing is happening. I’m still a mess. I’m still hating where I’m at, still feeling like much of the logic center of my brain has been taken hostage by vorpal bunnies. But I am also seeing that I don’t have to hide it. I can even need acceptance and comfort and receive them. No one is running away.

I’m still scared out of my mind.

But it’s better, now. I’m not alone.

9 Responses to “Needing to need”

  1. 1
    Fellow Island Girl June 12, 2005 at 2:51 pm #

    Those damn bunnies are workin’ overtime…they really need something better to do between Easters ;)

    You don’t have to hide it when you feel safe…take comfort in that and treasure the blessing.


  2. 2
    Steve June 12, 2005 at 4:40 pm #

    You are never alone. No person is an island… although that quote these days sounds trite, it is never more true.

  3. 3
    poopie June 12, 2005 at 5:08 pm #

    Feels good doesn’t it? Keep reachin’.

  4. 4
    La Pix June 12, 2005 at 7:18 pm #

    I’m so grateful you’re not feeling alone. That there’s comfort and acceptance.

    A couple of years ago on Christmas Eve, M and I were at his father’s place and there was a terrible night of family fighting going on around us. This was the part of his family he’d hoped I never saw. I stayed with him and helped him get through it, and in some ways get beyond some of it even. Just by being there and still loving him. He’s done the same for me a few times.

    Including the night I was extremely sick with the Norwalk Virus and exploded in the bed.

  5. 5
    Bob June 13, 2005 at 12:19 pm #

    AWESOME! Congratulations on finding someone you feel comfortable enough to go batshit infront of and know that they’ll understand & support you during the batshit-ery. That’s a major warm & fuzzy.

    Vorpal – I had to look it up. I didn’t know what it was called or why, but now I do. I’ve always used Tim the Enchanter’s description. (picture John Cleese with fingers to mouth as fangs here) Maybe that’s why people think I’m strange. Not that I’m not strange, mind you.

    PS. I am not providing you with a vorpal bunny. One monty python plush per blog reader/supporter/wierdo please.

  6. 6
    Genuine June 13, 2005 at 2:47 pm #

    Do like me…….have a heart attack. Okay, so it felt like one. Then the anxiety attack won’t seem so bad.

  7. 7
    Rissa June 13, 2005 at 4:09 pm #

    Why is giving help so easy and asking for it so hard? Congrats on being able to accept some help, I know how hard it is.

  8. 8
    Shiz June 13, 2005 at 5:51 pm #

    You aren’t alone, and I’m sure your company realizes that you’re going through the wringer. And I’m sure your company is ok with that.

    Well, I hope so. My money’s on “company is cool with you falling apart.”

  9. 9
    Heather June 13, 2005 at 8:14 pm #

    It’s a big step to realize you can accept comfort from someone else. Stumbled across your blog. I like it.

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