November 17, 2004 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"
Hello from an undisclosed location nowhere near where you suppose! I’m enjoying the Witness Protection Program. No one knows me, here, which I’m finding suits me just fine. All the better to hide me with, my dears.
So here’s the thing. I am In Control. It’s sort of my thing, being in control. I have a limited skill set, it’s true, but the control thing? Got it covered. As long as I think I’m in control, things are good.
Kids are cared for. Bills are paid. Responsibilities are met. Friends are checked on. Snarky jokes about my inability to find employment are cracked. Etc.
Carefully I stack up the various cards, admiring my finesse. It’s not much, but it’s mine. I built it, and it works. As long as, you know, no one sneezes near it, or anything.
Today I thought something really disturbing had happened, and I didn’t so much sneeze as actually exhale fire on my tidy little house of cards. I was still sweeping up metaphorical ash when I found out that I was mistaken; the event in question hadn’t happened. It was a joke. And that should’ve made me feel better.
Let’s be clear: I’m fine. My children are fine. Nothing important has really changed, either way. I may have a few (dozen) more grey hairs, but other than that? No palpable difference between today and yesterday.
Except that today, I feel stupid. Today I feel weary of trying to understand other people. Today I am keenly aware of my life being built from flimsy cards that don’t hold up well to the unexpected. Today I can’t take on anything more.
I hope to someday learn to build out of something a little bit stronger. Straw, maybe. Sticks? Pop-tarts? But today, all I have is cards. Don’t knock them down. Because it takes fucking forever to build these things. And there’s no better way to alienate a control freak.
November 17th, 2004 at 11:06 pm
I wouldn’t recommend rebuilding out of Pop-tarts, because then Monkey would eat your house, and that’s not good for anyone involved.
November 17th, 2004 at 11:28 pm
So glad you and the kiddos are ok. Really, I am such a litteral person that I didn’t get past the first paragraph without going into severe fear mode. Almost made me cry. So at least you are not the only gullable person.
November 18th, 2004 at 12:57 am
hey…love your new blog… hope you are ok… best wishes…
November 18th, 2004 at 1:52 am
I have no idea what you are talking about, yet I understand completely.
November 18th, 2004 at 4:36 am
Glad to hear that things are (again, still) good. You had us worried for a while there. Exhaling fire is a good trick, you could work on aiming it better e.g. at the perpetrators of the so-called joke.
November 18th, 2004 at 5:45 am
Darn, I was hoping for more details. But I understand, a public blog is a tricky thing. Anyway, I’m glad you are unscathed, except mentally, which of course, means you are scathed. And from one scathee to another, I feel your scathedness. I will pray for stronger building materials. Have you tried Home Depot?
November 18th, 2004 at 7:24 am
Pop-Tarts! Yummmm!
I know, that’s just as irrelevant as it was yesterday :-) I guess my food obsession is showing.
November 18th, 2004 at 7:33 am
You are wonderful and have lots of people who would do what they could for you if you needed it. If someone is hurting you, they are foolish, even if they thought it was a joke, and you have a right to be upset. You take care of yourself, ok? And vent if you need to, either email or blog, because you deserve some sort of piece of mind.
Hugs.
November 18th, 2004 at 9:18 am
Yes, pop tarts would be great! Thanks. I didn’t know we were having refreshments.
*puts down the donut*
November 18th, 2004 at 9:23 am
Silly boys, she can’t give us Pop Tarts, then we would know where she is and then she’d kill us dead.
November 18th, 2004 at 9:46 am
You go, girl! I’m all fired up now, so I took your old link off my blaghroll and corrected it to make sure readers get to your new site. I, for one, am not messin’ with ya!
November 18th, 2004 at 9:47 am
Oops. Mom is right. Leave the pop tarts some where, and give us a clue (a clue! a clue!) to where they are.
Thanks. I like strawberry. frosted.
November 18th, 2004 at 9:54 am
Whew, because I was thinking that maybe your uterus DID grow back.
Lots of deep breathing today. And maybe some hair color.
November 18th, 2004 at 10:43 am
Wow. The feeling you described about you life being a house of cards. I know that feeling. About 7 months ago my cards were bumped. And a lot of them have fallen. And I’ve had to face a lot of ugly truths. I know I could probably remake the house of cards. But I don’t want to go back to cards. I need something at least more interesting than cards, if not something more sturdy.
Maybe we should look for MarJongg tiles? :)
November 18th, 2004 at 10:52 am
I am hopelessly clueless, but so glad everything is okay now(everything IS okay, right?).