Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Mother of the Year

by Mir on May 31, 2010 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony

In the following picture, I am to be commended for my excellent parenting because:
A) A storm is about to roll in and douse us all.
B) I’ve thrown my children 40 feet out of the boat, attached to us only by a fraying rope.
C) I’m sitting there watching them hold on for dear life and telling Boatguy “FASTER, THEY WANT TO GO FASTER!”
D) I smiled and waved from my position of safety as both kids were eventually (through a series of zigzags through the boat’s wake) hurled from the tube like ragdolls.
E) All of the above. The children are now referring to him as “Uncle Boatguy.”

P.S. Boatguy is forgiven, natch. Also? It’s okay, because I took my lumps as well. Turns out I’m not any better at hanging on through the turns than the kids. (Ow.)

Comments { 18 }

A tale of two traumas

by Mir on May 29, 2010 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

So things have been pretty uneventful for the last 24 hours.

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I am funny!

When we last left off, we were busy packing up to head to South Carolina, gosh darnit, sickness and goopy eyes be damned. There was just one thing we had to take care of before we left, and that was an exterminator visit. It took a few days to schedule, but Licorice continued to be haunted by the mystery creature under the house even though Otto thought he’d sealed up all access to the crawlspace, and I remained convinced that there was a very crafty possum, and possibly crafty possum offspring, down there. So we waited for the Proper Authorities to come and say, “Yes ma’am, we’ll just set this humane live trap and get your visitor out of here.”

It was such a good plan, too.

The good news is that the nice young exterminator man was friendly and polite and extremely apologetic. (more…)

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Defiling nature

by Mir on May 28, 2010 in Health is overrated, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I would just like to apologize proactively to… uhhhh… well, I guess the entire state of South Carolina. I’m sorry.

But maybe that’s the wrong place to start. Where I should start is with this: Hey, for MONTHS we’ve been looking forward to this weekend’s camping trip! Yay! We load up approximately enough food, clothing and sundries to last us for a month in the desert, and then we drive a while and set up in the wilderness and then… sit around and read. (When Nerds Camp: The Boringness, coming soon to a really crappy theater near you!) But, see, camping is DIFFERENT than being at home, because it involves a lot of fresh air, and also popsicles. So you can see why it’s so exciting.

Plus we pack a couple of new toys for the dog, you know. So there’s that.

But this camping trip is destined to be a Very Special Event, because right now we’re really not fit for public consumption, and we’re going anyway, BY GOD. (more…)

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Cruel to be kind

by Mir on May 26, 2010 in Oh look! Something furry!!

Sometimes I wonder if Licorice feels like she has a pretty good life with us, or if she lies awake at night planning to kill us in our sleep. I mean, I think we’re providing her more or less a puppy nirvana, but what do I know? I’m just a stupid human. And at around twelve pounds, that makes her brain… what… maybe the size of a ping pong ball, if that? It’s hard to know what’s going on in there.

For example: The mystery animal under the house. Otto went under there and sealed up the access points, but whatever it is got back in again the next day, so now we’re waiting for the Unwanted Critters Wrangler to come and set a trap. In the meantime, Licorice remains convinced that the bathroom in my office contains a veritable carnival of doggie treats and wonder to which I am heartlessly denying her access. She continues to spend the bulk of her busy schedule lying prostrate at the door, snout tucked under the corner, waiting for her very own possum to spring forth with rawhides in one paw and a kitten in another. I mean, I assume, anyway.

This, of course, is an Unusual Cruelty. There are plenty of Regular Cruelties happening all the time. (more…)

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This month’s IBTC meeting

by Mir on May 25, 2010 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

This meeting will now come to order. Order, please. Everyone please take your coffee and your gluten-free cookies [hey, it's my meeting; I made cookies I can eat] and find a seat. Great, thank you.

This meeting of the local chapter of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee is now in session. Welcome back, veterans, and greetings to those of you who are new this time. Whether you’ve just discovered us—possibly after trying on swimsuits and wondering if you should invite a friend to share the top with you or just stuff some extra socks in there—or are just now finding yourself ready to join, say, after having weaned that last baby and discovering the deleterious deflation effects therein, we’re happy to have you here.

We have just a few items on the agenda to discuss today, and then we’ll open up the floor to new business. (more…)

Comments { 56 }

Mental

by Mir on May 24, 2010 in Oh look! Something furry!!

I’m really starting to feel bad for Licorice.

Look; it’s not her fault that three of us are on Prednisone. Otto and I are barely sleeping, though at the same time we’re too tired to be coherent, and as a result we’re perhaps not giving her the quality time she deserves. Chickadee isn’t quite as irritable as I remember her being from the steroids in the past, and of course her sudden appetite increase is working out well for the dog, so I guess that’s good. (“Can I have an apple? Can I have another apple? Can I give the dog a piece of this apple?”) And the fact that Monkey woke up this morning with conjunctivitis was just the icing on the crap cake for the REST of us, but when he went to pet the dog and I yelled at him to GO WASH HIS HANDS, FOR THE LOVAGOD, Licorice seemed kind of bewildered.

But none of that is actually why I feel bad for the dog.

I feel bad for the dog because she’s COMPLETELY LOST HER MIND. (more…)

Comments { 27 }

The family that suffers together

by Mir on May 22, 2010 in Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

So we’re just a few days into summer vacation, here, and so far it’s been a whole barrel of fun. If by “a whole barrel of fun” you mean “multiple trips to the pharmacy.”

Remember last year when Otto got poison ivy and then it got really, really bad and then he got MRSA? That was fun. Except not really. And so when he mysteriously got poison ivy again last week he was all, “Huh. I think I have poison ivy again. I wonder where that came from? Well, I guess I’ll use some of this cream I have left over from last time.”

Meanwhile I was throwing myself prostrate on the bathroom floor in front of him, going “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I CANNOT LIVE THROUGH YOU HAVING MRSA AGAIN, GO TO THE DOCTOR!”

Otto thought I was overreacting. But it turns out that I am something of a champion nag, and after a few days of me rending my garments he did, indeed, get himself over to his doctor, who took one look at him and—probably with last year’s episode in mind—put him on a massive course of steroids to fix him up. (more…)

Comments { 22 }

Just to clarify: I still shave

by Mir on May 21, 2010 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience", What do I do all day?

I am becoming a damn hippie in my old age. One of the things I like best about working from home is that it gives me the flexibility to do lots of things I could never do when I spent the majority of my day out of the house. Things like cooking and baking stuff that requires a lot of time between steps (even if not a lot of actual effort).

Really, I thought I’d reached the pinnacle of hippiedom when I started making my own granola on a regular basis. Because… CRUNCHY GRANOLA HIPPIE, right? But I was wrong. That was just the tip of the hippie iceberg.

In the spirit of this month’s Get Your Learn On challenge at Five Full Plates, this week I embraced my true hippie nature… and bacteria. Come on over and read about it, if you secretly want to be a hippie, too.

Awwwww, yeah. Who wants a smoothie?

Comments { 7 }

Love celebrates

by Mir on May 20, 2010 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Hi, would you like to buy a Funk? It’s used—I used it quite a lot the last few days, to be honest—but it’s got lots of moping left in it, I’m sure. It’s available, cheap. I’m trying to quit.

By the time the kids got home yesterday, I had my feet back under me. There is a certain arrogance in being unhappy when leading what is fundamentally a good and blessed and lucky life, isn’t there? I mean, that’s not to say that my (or your) problems aren’t real and challenging, just that the Right and Mature thing to do, after a while, is to say to yourself, “Self, time to suck it up and deal.” Lord knows I say this to my kids often enough; I should take my own advice.

So I did.

Of course, that was made significantly easier because one of the biggest sources of my discontent conveniently fixed itself. (more…)

Comments { 42 }

Inspiring things

by Mir on May 19, 2010 in Books, Friends, Growing

I’m not here right now. Rather, I’m here, but I’m hiding. I am not being my best self right now, and as such I am looking for inspiration elsewhere on how people do the right thing even when, maybe, life is not feeling so right.

Do you know what I mean? If you do (or even if you don’t), here’s three places to go today that I promise will up your good karma:

1) Please visit this post at BlogHer to painlessly donate a book to a child in need. Your comment = a book for a kid. It’s that simple. (Bonus points: You blog about it, that’s another book, too.)

2) I couldn’t be more excited about my friend Karen Walrond’s impending book than if I’d written it myself, and the video she posted today made me wish I could always see what she sees. Go watch it.

3) I don’t know this woman (in fact, never read her blog before today), but this post makes me want to be a better person.

Maybe tomorrow I WILL be a better person. I hope so.

Comments { 26 }

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