Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Looks Like Kidnapping is Now Legal in Ohio

by Mir on August 8, 2010 in Friends

UPDATE 8/10/10: Here is a scan of the affidavits filed in this case for those who are looking for official proof.

UPDATE 8/11/10: I granted Hollis the space to share this story to hopefully generate some media attention. It worked. It also brought over a lot of people who aren’t very good at playing nicely, and as I have a life to maintain I’m now moderating comments rather than allowing y’all free rein to spew all over my site.

And now for something completely different: The piece that follows was penned by no other than the mistress of shocking real life herself, Hollis Gillespie. If you are unfamiliar with Hollis’ work, let’s just say that I would have to hate her a whole lot if she wasn’t also so freaking warm and kind on top of being hilarious and successful. Not only that, she’s a fellow divorced mama, and you KNOW we have a club for that. (Although of course now those of you who aren’t members will have to die because I told you. Sorry.)

Anyway, Hollis is trying to get the word out about this story, and I am trying to help. Please read, share, and do what you can. Without further ado, here’s Hollis:

As a divorced parent, I sometimes think I’ve seen it all. For one, I thought there were only two worlds when it came to child-custody; the regular one in which we operate daily, and this other total toilet spin of rules and bureaucratic turd pellets referred to as family law. But at least in that second world the rules are fairly followed. But recently I discovered this whole other third world. Consider it a dwarf planet of pure courtroom nuttiness, where all the rules exist but they’re ignored. This is where the Ohio court case Brown vs. Elliot resides, and you’re not gonna believe this*: (more…)

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Hop aboard the noodle train, my friends

by Mir on August 6, 2010 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony, What do I do all day?

I took my last Prednisone pill this morning, and am eagerly looking forward to returning to sanity in the nearish future. I hope. Also, Otto reports that I ground my teeth so loudly last night I actually woke him up, so I guess the continued pain in my jaw isn’t much of a mystery. One of these days I’m going to be all, “OH EM GEE, YOU GUYS, I WOKE UP WITH A MOUTHFUL OF BUSTED TEETH TODAY!” And you’ll think I’m exaggerating, like I always do, only it will be true because WHY LEARN TO COPE WITH STRESS when you can simply destroy your sanity and smile in one fell swoop?

The funny (not funny-haha but funny-weird, because the idea of waking up toothless is actually frightening to me) part is that I don’t really feel all that stressed out. I’m not sure why my brain is suddenly convinced that the fate of the universe rests upon my ability to clench my jaw with a thousand pounds of neurotic force.

But yesterday was Quite A Day, so maybe it’s Stress even though it’s not Bad Stress. Or something. (more…)

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Brought to you by the letter P, for SQUIRREL

by Mir on August 4, 2010 in Health is overrated, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I’ve been mildly ill for, oh, I don’t know… a month? Close to a month. Just sort of generally crappy-feeling. Tired. Blecky. (That’s a scientific term, by the way.) Sore throat. And then this weird thing where biting down on my left side caused pain to shoot through my jaw and into my ear.

So I did the logical thing, which was to go see my doctor. Except not really; it took me a month to go see my doctor, during which time I just chewed on the right and complained a lot.

But after basically laying around like a dying swan for most of the weekend, Otto insisted I go to the doctor, so I did. I was beginning to suspect I had mono, actually, on account of the fact that I suffer from Munchausen’s By Internet. Because Kira had mono without realizing it and someday I hope to be as cool as she is. And in the meantime, I’m highly suggestible. (more…)

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Judicious application of hip-hop hamsters

by Mir on August 3, 2010 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

Have you seen this Kia commercial? I apologize in advance for the fact that the music will BURROW INTO YOUR BRAIN, but you really must see if if you haven’t:

I have just one thing to say about that, by the way: DO. DOP. DIPPITY!

Okay, technically that may be three things. And it also isn’t the only thing I have to say about it, because I’m a dirty liar. (more…)

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Bad mommy; no biscuit!

by Mir on August 2, 2010 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Oh look! Something furry!!

Hey, how was your weekend? Do anything exciting?

Mine? Oh, yeah. Mine was great. You know, just doing the regular weekend stuff. Sleeping in. Buying groceries. Poisoning the dog. The usual.

What? Oh, haha. Yeah, kidding. Of course I’m kidding! I would never poison the dog! I mean, not on purpose, or anything. It was an accident.

Well, yes, I did actually do the same thing once before. I just thought it wouldn’t happen again. I mean… I just… LOOK, LICORICE IS OVER IT, WHY AREN’T YOU? Sheesh! Everyone’s a critic!

I’m telling you, it was an ACCIDENT, and I’m perfectly capable of marinating in my own guilt, thankyouverymuch. Hmph. (more…)

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It’s a dog’s life

by Mir on July 30, 2010 in Oh look! Something furry!!

90% of the time that I’m here in the house, the dog is in the same room with me. She’s my furry little shadow, and although I periodically complain about it (“Um, hello? Could you not bodyslam the bathroom door while I’m in here peeing, DOG?”), I have to say that it is quite ego-boosting to be so loved, even if it’s by a neurotic creature with a brain the size of an egg.

Now that Otto and I no longer share an office, though, during the summer—when he’s home more, and often working in his office upstairs—she sometimes forgoes sleeping on the floor of my office to trot upstairs and sleep on the floor of HIS office. Which is fine.

Except that sometimes I get a little jealous, you know, because there simply is no pleasing me.

Related: Know what’s SUPER FUN? Trying to get a dog to play with you when she really just wants to take a nap. (more…)

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Love is enough

by Mir on July 29, 2010 in Growing, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

As Otto and I lay in bed last night, I poured out my frustration while he held my hand and listened. Because I have a nice life. Actually, no; I have a pretty wonderful life. And yet I struggle, daily, against my will and my common sense, with the ability to just be happy.

I still believe that—as I said once before—there is a certain arrogance in being unhappy when leading a good and blessed and lucky life. And to be clear, I’m not UNhappy. But I am not as happy as I could and should be, much of the time. Somewhere on my permanent medical chart I am officially diagnosed as being dysthymic, which I suppose gives me license to abdicate responsibility because hey, man, my brain chemistry is wonky, so, you know, not my fault.

But. I want more. More from myself, more from my life, more of my best self for my loved ones. What I have, already, is more than enough; what I need is to take that enough and appreciate it more. (more…)

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Just don’t say maverick

by Mir on July 27, 2010 in Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Well, I was really hoping to give you some sort of definitive THIS IS THE ANSWER sort of update after our latest appointment in regards to Chickadee’s skin, but I should’ve known it wouldn’t happen that way. I mean, we’ve been trying to figure out this rash for three years now; what’s the big hurry?

The good news is that we started out there seeing the doctor who was taking new patients, rather than the one it had been recommended we see. And after two appointments, we ended up seeing the recommended doctor because our regular doctor was unavailable. And apparently the fourth time’s the charm, because yesterday we saw the department head, Headguy. (For those keeping score at home, that means we’ve now seen every doctor they have.)

“When you come to me it’s because we’re tried the standard stuff and everyone else is stumped,” he said. I’d love to paint him as a brash egomaniac, because that would probably make a more interesting story, but really, he seemed pretty down-to-earth. At first, anyway. (more…)

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Chickadeedee Rash and the Cucumber of Doom

by Mir on July 26, 2010 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

We’re headed back to the Big City today to discuss Chickadee’s rash. AGAIN. School starts up in a couple of weeks, and thus far our summer with The Experts at Emory has yielded… oh, that’s right, A HORRIBLE RASH. Technically the rash is not their fault, but I must say that my hopes that we’d finally resolve this little problem—you know, three years after it began—are fading. The rash itself, however? NOT FADING. But at least we’ve had her off steroids and any sort of antihistamine in preparation for the repeat nickel patch test which… was canceled. Awesome.

[Sidebar: I may just climb up on the exam table today and hold my daughter aloft while drawing circles on her stomach with Sharpie, just to point out that everything I've read about nickel allergy dermatitis says IT STARTS ON THE STOMACH if you wear jeans with any sort of regularity (and she wears them every damn day, on account of her legs are all rashy and she mostly refuses to wear shorts). The ONE place she doesn't have a rash? HER STOMACH. So. Yeah, let's do backflips to have THAT test, because it's going to be so useful.]

It’s possible I’m a little worked up about this. Good thing I hide it so well. (more…)

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Find out if VACATION™ is right for you

by Mir on July 24, 2010 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Do you experience stress? Are you bored? Do you need a break from the everyday? Are your children whining that summer is boring? You should ask the Internet about VACATION™ to see if it might be right for you. VACATION™ has been used to treat Regular Life for years, and is the number one Internet-approved method for slacking off.

VACATION™ is the simplest, most effective way to develop an appreciation of your own bed, kitchen, “alone time,” and access to over 200 channels even when nothing is on. VACATION™ can help you reconnect with your appreciation of silence, and rekindle your love of the mundane. VACATION™ has been approved to treat wanderlust, boredom, what-are-we-doing-today-itis, the belief that board games are fun, and some forms of warts. Do not begin taking VACATION™ until you’ve consulted the Internet to determine which VACATION™ is right for you; for maximum safety, continue your connection to the Internet while taking VACATION™ so that in the event of non-perfection, you can bitch about it. VACATION™ is usually effective within 24 hours, with some experiencing relief within just minutes. Do not continue taking VACATION™ for more than two weeks, as serious side effects (such as unemployment) occur. (more…)

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