June 2, 2009 | Health is overrated, My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Last year my daughter was misdiagnosed with Molloscum Contagiosum.

Then we went to a dermatologist who told us she was surely allergic to berries and citrus.

Then we went to an allergist who said no, actually, she was she was allergic to peanuts.

And then her rash cleared up when she stopped eating peanut butter. That was back in September.

A few weeks ago she started being all rashy, again, and because I’d had some success going wheat-free for some skin issues, we decided to take her off wheat as well to see if it helped. It seemed to help, though it wasn’t the solution.

So we went to the allergist, and he tested her for wheat and peanut allergies.

They called yesterday to tell us that she isn’t testing allergic to either of those, and I should certainly put her back on wheat, and if that goes okay, try peanuts again. Bonus: The allergist suggested we take her to see a dermatologist. Probably because that went SO well, last time.

Okay, then.

So Chickadee had a bowl of pasta last night.

And woke up covered head to toe in rash this morning.

You know, because she’s not allergic.

THIS IS WHY I HATE DOCTORS. THE END.

June 1, 2009 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

Hey, we survived our weekend with nature. Enjoyed it, even. By the time we were working our way back, yesterday, I was starting to wonder if we could swap Chickadee for Swan, maybe, but on the whole I was very pleased with the girls’ behavior while we were on our adventure. (No, Chickadee didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that kids are always better-behaved for someone else’s parents, right? Swan didn’t engage in any backtalk, nor did she ever roll her eyes at me that I noticed. Chickadee was her usual sassy self, and I couldn’t help wondering if she might be an angel for anyone other than us. I suspect she would.)

I was delighted to discover that camping with a trailer is exactly the right balance of nature and technology, for me. Toasting marshmallows over a fire = awesome, but attempting to cook a meal over a fire = tedious, therefore having the ability to plug in my crock pot inside the trailer and sit around a fire outside the trailer was lovely. [True story: Years ago, Otto and I went tent camping, and he purchased a fancy over-the-fire grill stand thingie from LL Bean we thought would make cooking really easy. We ended up cooking everything---EVERYTHING!---on sticks thrust into the fire because we never could position that stupid grill correctly. Bacon on a stick is, surprisingly, not as awesome as it sounds.]

Anyway, there was just one little problem this weekend. (more…)

May 29, 2009 | What do I do all day?, Woohoo!

I’m sitting in a state campground, in a folding nylon camp chair, typing fireside, while Chickadee and Swan sit inside the trailer playing Rummikub. They are understandably tired, having talked non-stop on the drive up here, eaten their weight in snacks, dinner, and popsicles, and then run off to the nearby playground to roll in the mud.

Okay, technically they may not have rolled in the mud. Their clothes just look like they did.

I would love to tell you that they’re having the time of their lives, the greatest time I’ve ever seen two people have, except that I think it’s possible that Otto is having an even better time than they are. And—truth be told—I’m having a pretty darn nice time, myself. This may be the longest stretch of fresh air I’ve had in weeks. Or months! I should be ashamed. I am ashamed, a little. But this afternoon I read half a book. I cannot tell you the last time I just sat outside and read for a few hours, uninterrupted. (more…)

May 28, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

We went for a walk after dinner last night. Chickadee alternated inserting herself between me and Otto so that we couldn’t hold hands, grabbing one or the other of us from the outside and trying to pull us away from the other one, or marching up ahead in a variety of odd skips and flails. (Our very own personal Ministry of Silly Walks!)

I don’t know how the conversation started, but Chickie asked for an explanation of a situation we’d been chatting about, wherein a blended family was somewhat complicated by the fact that the eventual couple actually had a child together before either of them were divorced from their first spouses. It’s not really the sort of thing I thought I’d be explaining to my 11-year-old, but these things happen. And the problem, for me, is that the people in question have since been together for a very long time, and I felt like I needed to make it clear to my daughter that this is very much the exception to the rule.

“Just tuck this away for future reference,” I told her. “But this is something you need to learn NOW, before hormones take over and your brain rots.” (more…)

May 27, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

When I woke up before Otto’s alarm clock went off this morning, I just had a feeling it was going to be one of THOSE sorts of days. I wasn’t sure why I felt that way; I just did. Sometimes you just know.

Today’s the day Chickadee goes to the allergist. Her rash is fading a bit, since she stopped eating wheat, but she still looks a little bit like she has leprosy. Of course there’s been precious little we need to run out and DO this week, so today—the one day we need to get up and out at a reasonable time—I looked up from my computer at 10:00 and realized she still hadn’t, you know, GOTTEN OUT OF BED.

It’s hard work, being her. And I’m all for sleeping in in the summer, but c’mon now. I woke her up and tried to jolly her into getting her sleepy behind into the shower, but she was exactly as delightful as you might imagine someone who was woken up at 10 and still tired might be. So that was fun. (more…)

May 26, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Otto: So I was thinking, when we go camping this summer, we should go to Dearborn, Michigan.
Chickadee: [blank stare]
Otto: There’s some really cool stuff there. Like, Greenfield Village, which is set up like it was in olden times. And there’s a Ford factory tour, where you can see them putting trucks together!
Chickadee: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh. Boy. That sounds. So. Exciting.
Otto: No, really, it’s really interesting. I think you’ll like it.
Chickadee: [suddenly inspired] I have an idea! You and Monkey can go watch them put trucks together, and Mom and I can go get a pedicure!
Otto: [to me] Where did I go wrong with this one?
Chickadee: [with a grand sweep of her arm] PEDICURES ACROSS AMERICA! LET’S GO!!

I have glimpsed the teen years, and I am frightened.

May 25, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

So, as I mentioned in passing, before, I went on this weird restrictive diet to try to clear up some issues I was having with my skin. (And by “issues” I of course mean “leprosy-like eruptions.” Gosh, I hope you weren’t eating anything when you read that.) For two entire weeks I eliminated a host of foods I love dearly, and I went heavy on the fruits, veggies, nuts (though not peanuts, because I already suspect I’ve developed a sensitivity to those, on account of my being a delicate flower and everything), and lean meats.

My skin cleared up. It was a thing of beauty.

At that point I concluded that perhaps I’d just been all out of whack with sugar and my glycemic index, and that probably my troubles were now over. I would just slowwwwwwwly add back in the suspect foods one at a time to confirm. I’d start with wheat, because it was the thing I missed the most, and also the thing least likely to be the culprit.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am cute when I’m stupid. (more…)

May 22, 2009 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

There will be a gaggle of children arriving at my house, shortly, to partake in what is supposed to be a swim and tie-dye extravaganza, to celebrate the end of the school year.

We ran out this morning for latex gloves and rubber bands. Sure, some people get cheetos and pretzels for such a thing, but we’re all fancy and… ummm… rubbery.

Of course now the sky is dark and rain is imminent. Would it be wrong of me to lock them all out of the house, as planned, anyway? I mean, they’ll have the gloves. Their hands will be dry.

Oh, I’m just kidding. Probably.

May 21, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

School is now officially out for the summer, and something wonderful has happened.

I’m positively THRILLED.

It’s not that I didn’t like summers, before, but this is the first summer I find myself really looking forward to in, well, certainly in my tenure as a parent. I’m aware that that sounds bad, but hear me out. When the kids were little and I stayed home with them, summer was no different than the rest of the year. When the kids were a bit older but I was divorced and working, summer was rife with guilt over not being able to take time off and relax with them, and then further guilt over not being able to provide them any sort of vacation. Two years ago, summer was all about moving and getting settled (exciting, but not exactly relaxing or without its own problems), and last year summer carried with it a schedule that pretty much guaranteed zero relaxation for anyone involved.

This year is different. (more…)

May 19, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

It came as a total shock to me, yesterday, when we filed into the school for Chickadee’s “moving on ceremony” and I found myself tearing up a little.

I am not a terribly sentimental person under the best of circumstances. And as we already know, Monkey’s moving on ceremony didn’t exactly set me up to expect great things. But MAN OH MAN they put on the Ritz for the fifth graders, and it was impossible to stand there and not think about how my firstborn—who was once a baby with bright blue eyes and a cloud of hair standing up every which way with static—is now a young lady with piercing hazel eyes and a carefully arranged coif (”Mom! STOP TOUCHING MY HAIR!”), who is headed off to middle school next year.

My baby is in striking distance to teendom, and it’s both weird and wonderful. Also, it makes my eyes leak. Particularly when you play “Pomp and Circumstance” while making the kids file in two by two. (more…)