February 23, 2009 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Ottomatic For the People

So, um, I guess we are getting to be People Of A Certain Age.

I realized this recently because:
1) A friend of mine told me her husband was getting a vasectomy,
2) The husband knew I knew,
3) I told MY husband,
and
4) The next time we were all together my husband mercilessly ribbed my friend’s husband about it.

There was a time when such knowledge would’ve offended Otto’s delicate sensibilities. I mean, there was probably NEVER a time when it would’ve offended ME, but we already know that I am largely without shame. Still, brazen offers of frozen peas and scotch delivery in mixed company seem a bit beyond the pale. (more…)

February 22, 2009 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

Yesterday I went on a cleaning tear, largely because I had one of those days last week when I looked around the house and realized that I couldn’t remember when we’d last cleaned, and also that there were tumbleweeds of carpet fuzz rolling past on the wood floor.

So I did the obvious things, like send Monkey off to dust (and then go around behind him, later, and get the spots he missed), and put Chickadee to work on the bookshelves, and donned a haz-mat suit and tackled the bathrooms. (Otto was out in the garage cleaning up our old kitchen table to ready it for sale, and HOOBOY did he get the raw end of that deal, because apparently one of the children spilled a cup of milk down into the self-storing table leaf SEVERAL YEARS AGO. Urgh.)

After much of the basic, surface stuff was done, we found ourselves really getting into the deeper stuff. (more…)

February 19, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

What I told Otto—and what I thought was the truth—was that if we replaced the kitchen table, then I could tolerate everything ELSE I want to change about the kitchen, a while longer. The truth is that the kitchen is probably the only room left that’s still in its original-to-the-house state. I suppose it’s possible that the (ugly) wallpaper isn’t original, or that the (cracking) vinyl was replaced once along the way, but the cabinets and countertops and quite possibly the stove are ooooooold.

Not that there’s anything wrong with old. But in my mind’s eye, I see fresh paint, new cabinets, a stainless steel countertop, new appliances, and a floor I won’t mind mopping because MOPPING WILL ACTUALLY IMPROVE ITS APPEARANCE.

Someday, we’ll redo the kitchen, and it will make me deliriously happy. But probably not until the kids are grown and gone. In the meantime, I wanted a shiny dinette. (more…)

February 18, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Someone asked me a few days ago if Monkey will ever outgrow his sensory issues, and I struggled to answer that coherently because yes, of course he will, and no, not really. Sensory sensitivities are the result of a somewhat differently-wired neurological system, and though it will vary from person to person and age to age, it does seem like the relative immaturity of a younger brain struggles more than an adult who’s had time to toughen up and adapt.

For example, I think it’s pretty clear to us, as his parents, NOW (though not before, because back when we were kids, this stuff was never labeled/addressed/treated), that Monkey’s dad has some similar sensitivities. Obviously, as an adult he handles things differently than a kid would. That gives me some hope in terms of eventual adaptation.

And these days, I need hope. I need lots of hope. It helps to stave off the worry. (more…)

February 17, 2009 | Health is overrated

So, um, I was doing really well with my whole Wii Fit exercise regime right up until I got sick. And then I didn’t work out for a couple of weeks, because first I wasn’t well enough and then I just didn’t want to overtax myself while I was recovering. And then I wasn’t working out because I’d just been sick for two weeks and I was verrrrry far behind on work and needed all of my time to catch up.

And then I wasn’t working out because I was out of the habit and also I prefer being lazy and y’know, I’m pretty sure that Mercury was in retrograde and also that my magic 8 ball said ALL SIGNS POINT TO SLOTH.

(There is something wrong with my magic 8 ball, I’m aware.)

Anyway, somehow it had been… ummmm… maybe a month since I’d allowed the Wii Fit to mock me. But at least I was eating really well, in the meantime. (more…)

February 16, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Apparently I’m a little hard on the keyboard.

I think I type with a normal amount of pressure, but then again, I thought I was writing completely normally back in school when one of my teachers commented that if I was pressing hard enough to leave indentations on several pages underneath the one I was actually writing on, I could stand to go a little bit more gently.

We could probably come up with a whole personality profile based upon my apparent need to jam the keys down as I type—perhaps it means I’m unrelenting, or maybe it’s just a sign of constipation—but I think the uninteresting truth is that my fine-motor control is a little off. I often have some difficulty coordinating my fingers; applying greater pressure seems to improve my aim.

And that’s all well and good until I destroy my computer. (more…)

February 14, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People, Woohoo!

I did get some chocolate today. In a heart-shaped box, even. And it’s very nice, and all.

But I also got my kids giving my husband a card onto which they had recorded a “WE LOVE YOU OTTOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” message that prefaced a recording of “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge.

And then I got to disco-dance with my family while it played. (P.S. We are family, and we are also extremely bad dancers.)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

February 12, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I hadn’t been in to volunteer in the classroom this year, yet. I’m not sure how that happened, but it became immediately apparent when I walked in and was struck—as I always am—but how HUNGRY so many of these kids are for attention and to understand where I’ve come from. Are you Monkey’s mom? Really? Does he have a dad, too? Wait, he has TWO DADS? And a mom? And his stepdad HELPED? On purpose? Did you bake this cake yourself? And brought it in for US? And you brought candy, too? Can we eat some? Really?

One little boy told me that the cake was “gonna be so tight” after they finished decorating it. I agreed, and hoped that means something good. It seemed like it probably did.

I slipped extra fruit roll-ups to the kids who looked like they’d died and gone to heaven when I told them they could have one. And I whispered to Monkey that he could have a treat at home, later, if he didn’t fuss over it. He didn’t. (more…)

February 11, 2009 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I have endless guilt when it comes to my children. ENDLESS.

I have guilt over the genetic things I either know or fear they’ve inherited from me or their dad. I’m not even talking about deadly disease sorts of things—I feel guilty that Chickadee’s needed glasses since she was a toddler or that Monkey needed a palate expander and braces.

I have guilt over every difficulty they ever experience, whether it involves me or not. I feel guilty when they’re mad or sad or frustrated, because if I was a GOOD mother, I’d be able to fix it.

I still—coming up on six years later—have guilt about divorcing their father, even though I have always believed (and continue to believe) that this life is the far, far better alternative for them, even with its inherent issues.

I’m aware that this may not be 100% logical. But this is what happens when you’re raised Jewish. (more…)

February 10, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I am fairly low-maintenance when it comes to “beauty” stuff (which totally makes up for the fact that I’m impossibly high-maintenance about… ummm… everything else); I don’t use a lot of expensive products and I rarely wear make-up and I don’t go for spa treatments or manicures or anything like that.

However, in my old age (hush up, you whippersnappers) I’m beginning to realize that it really is worth it (to me) to pay for good hair care. It’s not vanity, it’s wanting to make sure I don’t end up looking like Bozo the Clown sends me his rejected wigs. It’s not JUST the hard-to-properly-cut curly hair or JUST the fact that I’m rapidly going gray or JUST the fact that my hair grows really fast, but all of those things TOGETHER mean I’m willing to scrape together the cash for a good cut and color periodically.

So, remember how my husband sent me somewhere awesome and I got the best cut and color of my life? Yesterday I did a few calming deep breathing exercises and went back there again. (more…)