May 21, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony, The Year of Living Changerously

Today is the last day of school, and that means my children have survived an entire year of learnin’ courtesy of the great state of Georgia, and the more things change, the more they stay the same.

For example, I was still scrambling around this morning putting together teacher gifts, just like every year.

And I was hacking up a watermelon for a class party, last night, while complaining about it. That didn’t used to happen until June, back up north, but BELIEVE ME, it happened.

And I promised my daughter pink hair (new, true) and completely failed to deliver (not new) just the way I am always a GIANT SUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT to my daughter. Oh, wait. Strictly speaking, I suppose my INABILITY TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT is not limited to the end of the school year.

Would you like to take a turn flogging me? My arm is getting tired. (more…)

May 20, 2008 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I am one of those people who has felt like a full-blown adult ever since I was about six. I’m not saying that I’m MATURE, because lord knows I am NOT, but neither am I one of those “Oh, gosh, when did I become the grown-up??” sorts of people. I can’t remember NOT feeling like a grown-up.

(I do remember feeling mighty aggrieved when I wasn’t being treated like one, as a kid and particularly as a teen. I see this same frustration in my daughter and when it’s not DRIVING ME UP A WALL it cracks me up. I think we should isolate the chromosome responsible for this premature sense of adulthood and learn how to extract it from prepubescent girls and inject it into politicians, instead.)

So when I do stupid things, I am never one to blame my age/inexperience or to think “Gosh, I should’ve known better because I’m an adult.” I just figure I do stupid things because I’m stupid. And yet here I am, responsible for two other human beings like I have a clue, or something. (more…)

May 19, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", What do I do all day?

On Saturday we got it into our heads that it would be a great idea to go pick our own strawberries at a local farm. Because that would be a great way to spend a morning! And we all love strawberries! Right? Sure!

Okay, so, the first problem was that MY CHILDREN ARE TRYING TO KILL ME. And after begging to go berry picking they then refused to get ready to go and then took out everything they own and left it on the floor upstairs. At least, that’s what it looked like. So I had one of those really charming teachable moments where, instead, I had a GIANT HAIRY HISSY FIT (that’ll learn ‘em!) and declared that we were going nowhere. In fact, we’d never have strawberries again, if that was how they were going to be! WE’LL JUST NEVER DO ANYTHING FUN!

Sometimes I wonder if during my hysterectomy they forgot to remove the PMS. The alternative is that I just happen to be a melodramatic shrew, and that can’t be possible. Ahem. (more…)

May 17, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Me: Haircuts this afternoon.
Him: Not for me! You’re not cutting MY hair!
Me: No, not for you. You’re all wild and shaggy. Just Otto and Chickie.
Her: Yeah, cuz he’s a… a…
Me: Hippie.
Her: Hobo!
Me: No.
Her: Yes! Same thing.
Me: A hippie and a hobo are NOT the same thing.
Her: Practically.
Me: Ummmm… NO. A hippie is free-spirited. A hobo is HOMELESS.
Otto: Dude, have you been sleeping in empty railroad cars again?
Him: What?
Her: Oh, whatEVER.

May 16, 2008 | What do I do all day?, Woohoo!

I’m pretty sure that the most obnoxious thing ever said to me about my blog was not a criticism of my parenting or some sort of personal indictment (though—let’s be clear—I’ve gotten plenty of those, too), but a dismissive, “Well, blogging’s just a fad, and it’ll pass, so enjoy it while it lasts.”

This was said to me by someone who’s always regarded my writing as a useless little hobby.

Well, I’ve been enjoying the spoils of this silly little fad for over four years, now, and I’d be hard-pressed to tell you the greatest part about it. Because, clearly, the greatest part is getting to do what I love every day. And clearly the greatest part is having a chronicle of my kids’ lives that they’ll be able to refer back to when I’m old and senile and need them to change my diapers. And obviously the greatest part is that I took a hobby started at one of the lowest points of my life and leveraged it into a career that now helps support my family. (more…)

May 15, 2008 | Ottomatic For the People, The Year of Living Changerously

Dear Otto,

Happy anniversary, darling! I know I’m a few days late. I’m sorry. This is rather representative of our entire relationship, though, that it somehow just doesn’t work out the way we thought it would, timing-wise. This is not to say that it doesn’t work out, just that planning has become something of a farce ’round here.

Nevertheless, we’ve made it an entire year. It’s official and everything—even our alumni magazine announced the news in its latest issue, so I guess you’re stuck with me now. Nineteen years behind us, one of them married, and do you know what? I still think it was the very smartest thing you ever did. (It was also the smartest thing that I ever did, but I have done so very many stupid things it really wasn’t much of a contest.) (more…)

May 14, 2008 | Health is overrated, Ottomatic For the People

There’s that old saying—and it’s absolutely true, just ask anyone—about how moms don’t get sick. We’re supposed to be invincible, you know, and failing that, at least uncomplaining. We’re one step up from mail carriers; neither rain nor sleet nor hacking cough can deter us from our appointed nagging.

Well, I’ve never been invincible and I pretty much complain even when I’m well. It’s not a good set-up for that whole Supermom gig, I guess.

Of course it figures that I would be felled by a virus just as the Today Show furor is dying down, and life is feeling somewhat normal… and then Dooce links me and I am flooded with new visitors. Um, hello! Come on in! Please disregard the mess. And the snot. And the whining about how I want to go back to bed. Really, normally I’m much more entertaining. Or at least showered. And… oh, hey! Have you seen my new grill? Shiny! (more…)

May 13, 2008 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

Greetings from the land of Unplanned-For Expenses, otherwise known simply as Home Ownership. Why, we’d noticed the deck seemed to be settling a little, last year, when we moved in, and this spring we could no longer ignore that the gazebo seems a bit… SLANTY… and so we called our favorite contractor and asked him to come take a look. He checked it out and told us how much it would be to bring in a jack and prop up the corner and reinforce it, and we nodded and agreed, and the price was not exactly pocket change, but it made sense and wasn’t too traumatic.

The same week, it became clear that we need a new air conditioner. For some strange reason, the unit which is ORIGINAL TO THE HOUSE was having problems. (Hint: This is not a new house, y’all.) FORTUNATELY, we have separate units for upstairs and downstairs! UNFORTUNATELY, the furnace attached to the ailing AC unit is original (read: dying!) as well! Yay! (more…)

May 12, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Wow, do you people have strong feelings about planting mint. SHEESH. Maybe I REALLY REALLY LIKE mint. Maybe the mint is in containers in the planter. Maybe it is hilarious to me that I am all “Hooray! I made an herb garden finally!” and you all commence freaking out because ZOMG! MIIIIINT!

Yesterday I planted jalapeños and two kinds of tomatoes. Would you like to yell at me about that, too? Because I am pretty sure that the tomatoes said to bury 80% of the plant for best results, see, and I may have only managed to get them down into the soil up to about 76%. I’m sorry.

Yesterday was also BOTH Mother’s Day and Otto’s and my first anniversary, and I need to tell you all about both of those things at some point, but today is going to be slightly abbreviated. (more…)

May 10, 2008 | What do I do all day?

Okay, so, the box is too wide to get a very good picture of it, but I was busy little beaver today.

Left to right, I’ve now got rosemary, banana peppers, flat-leaf parsley, two kinds of thyme, lemon basil, regular basil, lemon verbena, chocolate mint, and regular mint. And a whole bunch of pine straw. This is what happens when you’ve had just basil and rosemary plants, but VISIONS of an herb garden for a long time and then you happen upon a plant sale. I recommend approaching someone who works there with a $10 bill and a helpless look. “What are you looking for?” she asked. “Um, some herbs?” I said. She took good care of me.

(Yes, I know that banana peppers are not herbs. They were lonely.)

I am slowly filling the deck up with plants in containers. The betting pool is now open: How long will it take me to kill everything? (For the record, the strawberries are not only still alive, they’re blooming. Maybe my black thumb has mixed some metaphors and turned over a new leaf?)