June 3, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, What do I do all day?

I thought it was high time I gave my children’s father something new he could tuck into the “Reasons Why The Mother Of My Children Is Actually The Spawn Of Satan” file. Why, just a few months ago when we were in court he expressed his belief that the problem with the kids being here during the summer was that they would end up “watching television all of the time,” which made me laugh out loud because I’m sort of the TV Nazi. I keep a tight rein on that remote, you know, because I gots to watch Mah Shows while I’m eating Mah BonBons. Obviously.

So, no, it’s not an endless stream of unsupervised, horrible television, here. It’s QUALITY TIME. Whether they like it or not.

The few days between when school ended and the kids left on their first trip really didn’t count, because I somehow managed to blow off all of my work and spend that time with them, unfettered. But this week, I actually have work to do. And Otto is still teaching. Needless to say, this has resulted in UNPARALLELED JOY on the part of the children. (more…)

May 19, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", What do I do all day?

On Saturday we got it into our heads that it would be a great idea to go pick our own strawberries at a local farm. Because that would be a great way to spend a morning! And we all love strawberries! Right? Sure!

Okay, so, the first problem was that MY CHILDREN ARE TRYING TO KILL ME. And after begging to go berry picking they then refused to get ready to go and then took out everything they own and left it on the floor upstairs. At least, that’s what it looked like. So I had one of those really charming teachable moments where, instead, I had a GIANT HAIRY HISSY FIT (that’ll learn ‘em!) and declared that we were going nowhere. In fact, we’d never have strawberries again, if that was how they were going to be! WE’LL JUST NEVER DO ANYTHING FUN!

Sometimes I wonder if during my hysterectomy they forgot to remove the PMS. The alternative is that I just happen to be a melodramatic shrew, and that can’t be possible. Ahem. (more…)

May 16, 2008 | What do I do all day?, Woohoo!

I’m pretty sure that the most obnoxious thing ever said to me about my blog was not a criticism of my parenting or some sort of personal indictment (though—let’s be clear—I’ve gotten plenty of those, too), but a dismissive, “Well, blogging’s just a fad, and it’ll pass, so enjoy it while it lasts.”

This was said to me by someone who’s always regarded my writing as a useless little hobby.

Well, I’ve been enjoying the spoils of this silly little fad for over four years, now, and I’d be hard-pressed to tell you the greatest part about it. Because, clearly, the greatest part is getting to do what I love every day. And clearly the greatest part is having a chronicle of my kids’ lives that they’ll be able to refer back to when I’m old and senile and need them to change my diapers. And obviously the greatest part is that I took a hobby started at one of the lowest points of my life and leveraged it into a career that now helps support my family. (more…)

May 10, 2008 | What do I do all day?

Okay, so, the box is too wide to get a very good picture of it, but I was busy little beaver today.

Left to right, I’ve now got rosemary, banana peppers, flat-leaf parsley, two kinds of thyme, lemon basil, regular basil, lemon verbena, chocolate mint, and regular mint. And a whole bunch of pine straw. This is what happens when you’ve had just basil and rosemary plants, but VISIONS of an herb garden for a long time and then you happen upon a plant sale. I recommend approaching someone who works there with a $10 bill and a helpless look. “What are you looking for?” she asked. “Um, some herbs?” I said. She took good care of me.

(Yes, I know that banana peppers are not herbs. They were lonely.)

I am slowly filling the deck up with plants in containers. The betting pool is now open: How long will it take me to kill everything? (For the record, the strawberries are not only still alive, they’re blooming. Maybe my black thumb has mixed some metaphors and turned over a new leaf?)

May 5, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People, What do I do all day?

Yesterday Otto got a wild hair—and by “wild hair” I of course mean that he set out to do EXACTLY what he’d been telling me for two months he was going to do, but I was just sort of hoping ignoring him and practicing denial might stave off the inevitable—and declared it an Outside Work day.

We have a couple of acres, here, and the best part about it is that most of it is WOODS. Woods are awesome, because they’re shady, and they present lots of opportunities for your children to go out and muck around and turn over logs and find gross bugs, but BEST OF ALL, woods do not require mowing, digging, pruning, or other maintenance. They just sort of stand there.

Unfortunately, we also have a rather large garden plot across the front of the house, and then that whole area inside the fence back around the pool, and both areas are not unlike Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. There could totally be bobcats hiding in there, is all I’m saying. (more…)

March 10, 2008 | I'm dating the television, What do I do all day?

Well, it’s been a pretty wild weekend. Otto returns later today, and I still have some cleaning to do before he does. For example, I need to clear a path to the office, so that the DSL guys can come hook me up this afternoon.

Also, I need to hide the cookies. Oh! Wait—I already ate the cookies. Well, then! One less thing to do.

Honestly, I had big plans for my weekend, what with the BEING ALL ALONE for two whole days, but in the end I remained the uneventful bore that I am. The only difference, really, was that without Otto here, I was free to watch as many stupid programs on TLC as I wanted without him making fun of me. And I do loves me some TLC trainwreck programming, it’s true. (more…)

March 4, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", What do I do all day?

Yesterday it was over 70 degrees here. Balmy! (Which is not the same as BLAMY, which is what I typed the first time, because I need more coffee.) I found myself fairly skipping through the daffodils (oh, yes—we have daffodils, dozens of them) and weaving ribbons in my hair with the help of cartoon bluebirds. Because THIS, this is what WEATHER SHOULD BE! It was warm and breezy and sunny and gorgeous, and I was totally willing to pretend that it wasn’t happening on the hind end of February when I have friends digging out of the snow up north.

I also opted to conveniently ignore the fact that apparently this will be a very small window of Perfect Weather; soon Pollen Season will be here, and after that, Insufferable Heat Season, which really doesn’t bother me as much as everyone says it should, because I prefer to think of it as Pool And Popsicle Season.

But when I put all of that together with the fact that I regularly have hot flashes, I have to concede that I’m sort of a weirdo. (more…)

February 22, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", What do I do all day?

Yes: Monkey was a gem at the dentist yesterday, and charmed the pants off of the entire staff. (Note: That’s hyperbole. I’m pretty sure everyone was still wearing pants when we left.)

No: Apparently our craptastic dental insurance will consider itself maxed out for the year as soon as we submit the orthodontist bill, which means we get to pay for all cleanings and anything else for the rest of the year. And by the way, the dentist recommends cleanings FOUR TIMES A YEAR for children with orthodontic devices.

Yes: It’s not snowing.

No: It’s 35 degrees out and pouring.

Yes: Chickadee wisely decided to get out her rain boots.

No: Flipper Foot strikes again; her worn-twice boots (purchased big! right before we moved!) are too small. Does anyone in town carry rain boots in her size? No. Go ahead, ASK ME HOW I KNOW THIS. (more…)

February 12, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People, What do I do all day?

I was working along, yesterday, quite happily. Mondays are always excellent work days—I’ve had just enough family togetherness to make those hours after everyone’s left the house feel serene and calm and full of possibility. I’m incredibly productive on Mondays. (It falls off during the week. By Friday? I’m useless.)

It has become my habit to do several hours of work in the morning before showering. If I’m going to be completely honest, I guess the truth is that I often work until lunchtime, then take a break to eat and shower and, you know, get dressed. Until then, I’m just here on my own, so what difference does it make?

Well, it makes a difference when I forget that the Bug Guy is coming. (more…)

February 1, 2008 | What do I do all day?

My father and stepmom go on a lot of really exciting vacations, you know. They’ve been to Africa on safari. Alaska. The Great Wall of China. The Mayan ruins. All sorts of places I may never get to go, but always each trip more exotic than the last.

(They tell me this is the advantage of working too hard all their lives and now being retired. I wouldn’t know, as the pension plan for freelance writers more or less dictates that you work until you die, or enjoy a nice vacation to your local 7-11, where you can go really wild and splurge on a Big Gulp.)

Anyway, I’m sure that you can understand—in light of their status as seasoned world travelers—why coming here is an unparalleled exercise in extravagance. (more…)