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Punch Buggy Blues

by Mir on April 28, 2010 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

When Chickadee gets her license, she would like to buy a red VW Beetle with yellow lightning bolts down the sides. She has been telling us this for YEARS, which of course means that for years we have been telling her that 1) it’s good to have dreams and 2) she should feel free to get a job at any time.

When that elicits whining and complaining, Otto always points out that he’s perfectly willing to gift her his car once she’s driving. As his car is already 20 years old, for some reason this doesn’t thrill her. Go figure.

Given her lifelong obsession with Beetles, you’d think that playing Punch Buggy would’ve been part of our standard family repertoire for years, but somehow we only started playing it about a month ago. This has been terribly amusing for a number of reasons, but unfortunately it has also increased my driving anxiety by about a hundredfold.

I’m sure that’s totally safe, right? (more…)

Comments { 74 }

Awkward

by Mir on April 26, 2010 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

Friday morning was one of those days where we’re aaaaaalmost done with the week, and everyone is tired and grumpy, and we’re running late and wishing it was already Saturday. So when Chickadee dragged her way through her shower and came downstairs late and then was fussing with a necklace instead of eating her breakfast or feeding the dog, I may have been a little impatient. There may have been some yelling. She may have flounced out the door without even saying goodbye, and I may have been righteously indignant that SHE was mad at ME when I wasn’t the one dragging ass.

When the phone rang and the school came up on the caller ID, a couple of hours later, I figured she was calling to apologize and/or make sure I wasn’t mad. That’s kind of her way. And so I was very surprised when I picked up the phone and she asked me if I could come get her.

Turns out, it’s kind of hard to get ready on time when you have a fever of 102. (I totally had to buy her a pony to make up for what a jerk I was earlier that morning.) She was really a very good sport for someone who probably felt like dog poop, but as she proceeded to be sick all weekend we had to find some low-key ways to keep her entertained. (more…)

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Love notes via texts

by Mir on March 18, 2010 in Ottomatic For the People

Just now:

Him: Leaving the building. Will get something for dinner. Anything else we need?
Me: Um… world peace? And a bag of spinach.
Him: What if they’re out of spinach? Will just world peace be okay?

(This is why I married him. He makes me laugh, every day. Even on Love Thursday when I’m so busy I forget it’s Love Thursday and I end up posting from my phone, in the car.)

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Wild and crazyish

by Mir on March 15, 2010 in I'm dating the television, It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Ottomatic For the People

This past week was Spring Break, here in the land of Start School Halfway Through The Summer And Then Finish When Everyone Else Still Has A Month To Go, and that of course meant that the kids went off to visit their dad while Otto and I spent the week in Bacchanalian revelry and various states of undress.

That’s a total lie, of course. The closest we got to a bacchanal was a little wine-and-cheese gathering we had for some colleagues, wherein I tried my hand at a baked Brie thing with candied walnuts and we all ended up face-down in the cheese plate. (Also: When the kids called the next night and asked about it, we told them we ate slices of Muenster and whined about them for hours on end.)

The “various states of undress” part is true, though, if you count “putting on our pajamas and sitting on the couch to watch hours of television,” because sometimes I would, you know, take my socks off during that. Wooooo!

It was last week that we discovered our DVR had a nervous breakdown. Poor thing. I probably should’ve given it some of that Brie. (more…)

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Fractured Friday

by Mir on March 5, 2010 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

I received an email scolding from my father for skipping Love Thursday this week, but in my defense, I was sort of busy wallowing. Yesterday was just one of those one-thing-after-another kinds of days, and I was not feeling the love, I admit it.

Which brings me to a little epiphany I had last night. But first, an update after y’all were so concerned that I was going to scar my child for life with the silent treatment: And I preface this with just a couple of things. First, I love comments, and I read and consider them all, and I love that folks get so invested and passionate in the things we talk about here. Truly. Second, I wonder sometimes if people realize that we all have our biases and fears and internal whatevers that sway our perception.

Like, you do realize that when you’re begging me not to inflict this random torture on my child that the situation you go on to describe is nothing like what I’ve just postulated, right? Maybe? (more…)

Comments { 30 }

My funny Valentine’s

by Mir on February 15, 2010 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Ottomatic For the People

I’m pretty sure I have covered here before how I am not a particularly romantic or sentimental person. Part of me would like to be, but that part has been beaten into submission by the practical part of me that doesn’t have the time or the brain space to actually care. So.

On Friday I realized that Valentine’s Day was this weekend, and I drew close to my beloved and stared deeply into his eyes and said, “I love you. Can we please not do anything for Valentine’s this year? Can we just… not?”

Otto immediately took on the look of a caged animal. I could almost HEAR the opposing arguments in his head. (“Woohoo!” “Wait, is this a trick?” “I’m off the hook!” “Hang on, I think I’m supposed to do this no matter what she says.”)

I tried not to laugh. “I’m serious, I just don’t think we arbitrarily need to make this a big deal.” And then ANOTHER look crossed his face and it dawned on me. “You already got me something!”

“Just something LITTLE,” he confessed. (more…)

Comments { 47 }

Groundhog dinner

by Mir on February 9, 2010 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

The setting: Our kitchen table.

The time: Any given night around 6:15 or so.

The preset: Food on table, I open my mouth and yell “DINNER!” because I’m classy and stuff.

And… begin scene.

“Where is Monkey?”
“Bathroom.”
“Didn’t he hear me call dinner?”
“Yeah, that’s why he went to the bathroom.”
“Do you think that he’ll ever go BEFORE I call dinner?”
“Do you really want me to answer that?”
“No, nevermind.”
“Whose book is this?”
“It’s mine.”
“Why is it here?”
“Because I didn’t take it upstairs yet. BECAUSE I CAME WHEN YOU CALLED DINNER. LIKE A GOOD CHILD.”
“Uh huh. Please take it up after dinner.”
“Okay.” (more…)

Comments { 32 }

Special

by Mir on February 1, 2010 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

My children are hoarders. I mean, not Prime Time Special, bring in the forklift kind of hoarders, but hoarders nonetheless. Every item that comes into the house is the most wondrous , and every drawing is sacred, and every graded test a reminder of a more halcyon time. I have to remove outgrown clothing under cover of darkness or create an elaborate diversion during the day (“Hey, look! Is that a big sign that says FREE COOKIES?”), lest the wailing and gnashing of teeth commence.

Otto is meticulous and organized, and while he has a vast quantity of STUFF, himself, every object has a place and a filing system and is part of a rigid hierarchy. His strategy with the children is to try to help them ORGANIZE their things. In other words, it’s okay with him if they keep everything, so long as it isn’t all over the floor.

I am neither meticulous nor particularly well organized, and I don’t have a single sentimental bone in my body. In my world, if I don’t have a spot for it here on my desk, it’s not something I wear regularly or something I need to do my taxes, INTO THE GARBAGE IT GOES. I am forever trying to get the kids to part with their “treasures” by lovingly pointing out that FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT’S A GRANOLA BAR WRAPPER. LET IT GO. (more…)

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Dubious praise

by Mir on January 16, 2010 in Oh look! Something furry!!, Ottomatic For the People

Me: So now that I’m putting this stuff in her water, have you noticed a difference in the Death Breath? I mean, do you think it’s working? I think maybe it is.
Him: Well, I think now it’s more like Terminally Ill Breath than Death Breath. That’s an improvement, right?

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Definitions

by Mir on January 13, 2010 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Ottomatic For the People

retribution
-noun
1. a justly deserved penalty
2. the act of taking revenge
3. sudden recurrence of somnambulance the night after your wife writes a somewhat cranky post about you

true love
-noun
1. a sweetheart; a truly loving or loved person
2. bond uniting soul mates
3. not kicking your husband in the nads when he wakes you out of a sound sleep TWICE on the same night: first to insist that there’s something in the room with you, then later to noisily inspect the far wall because “I know it sounds crazy, but there’s a giant hole in it and there’s something in there!”

(Today’s lesson brought to you by three cups of coffee and the letters W, T, and F.)

Comments { 33 }

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