July 5, 2008 | Friends, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I’m sure I could be more exhausted, both from lack of enough sleep and from laughing so hard, but I’m not sure how. We’ve been in a whirlwind of sociability—first picking up Kira from the airport and then heading over to Joss‘ for the 4th of July—and while I am delirious with the joy of it all, somehow I have been required to get up and put on clothes for multiple days in a row, and I am just TIRED from it.

It’s possible I need to do this more often.

Anyway, the last time that Kira and Joshilyn and I were all three together was three years ago, during a very different time indeed. This gathering was reminiscent of the other in that there were some familiar players, like chocolate and wine, but it does rather feel like we last convened a millennium ago, back when the earth was still dark. Everything is different now, or at least it seems to be while my son and Joss’ Sam are running around discussing Pokemon with a life-or-death sort of fervor. (more…)

July 2, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I have been pretty good, I think, about sitting on my hands when it comes to how our new summer schedule is working out for everyone. I have been trying to take that old expression about not saying anything if I don’t have anything nice to say to heart, a bit more, you see. Also, I’ve been trying some of that positive thinking thing I always hear people talking about, where I don’t dwell on things that are unpleasant, but rather focus on the GOOD and therefore, in this case, the IMAGINARY.

This summer sucks donkey balls, quite frankly. Now you know.

The stress level ’round here is palpable, and try as I might to get a handle on my emotions, the two very small and stressed-out people scurrying around here are a constant reminder of how much this situation just blows for everyone involved. (more…)

July 1, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

One of the first things we did after moving down here, last year, was to start the kids in piano lessons. It was something we’d talked about for a long time, and logistics just never seemed to work out when we lived up north, but we have a highly-recommended teacher nearby, here, and so we were finally able to get them started.

Now, when we first went to the studio, one of the first things the teacher asked me was if the children have “a decent instrument” at home on which to practice. “Sure!” I said. “We have an electric keyboard!” (I did not mention that the kids love to set it to piccolo and play “hot cross buns” until I stab a pen into my eardrum.)

“And that’s a full-size?” He asked me, leaning forward as if we were discussing a peace treaty.

“It’s… ummm… about this big…?” I held out my hands, and he all but smacked his forehead. (more…)

June 29, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People, What do I do all day?

My goodness, is it Sunday afternoon already? I scarcely noticed, and that’s because I have ONCE AGAIN been sucked down into the swirling maelstrom of suckitude that occurs every time I pick up a damn paintbrush.

[You: Aren't you done talking about painting, yet?
Me: Shut up and go tape that corner.]

See, I thought I was done in the dining room because “touching up” the trim was only going to take a few minutes. HAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. HAAAAAAAA.

*sob* (more…)

June 27, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I make a lot of jokes about Chickadee being my Mini-Me. We have a lot of the same likes and dislikes. She has many of my mannerisms. We look alike (although this one is sort of humorous, to me, because in reality I think Monkey has many more of my features than Chickadee, but—just as no one ever noticed that my mother and I looked very similar (probably because my hair is dark and hers is blonde)—folks always comment on how similar Chickadee and I look, never on how much Monkey looks like me.

The point is that in many ways, we are alike. I often assume that I know how she will react to or handle something, because I feel like I know her not just by virtue of being her mom, but because we share so many tendencies.

Of course, there are differences, too. I think I’ll be right on top of how to best deal with those in another ten years or so. Maybe twenty, tops. (more…)

June 26, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Every now and then I get on a kick where I insist that the kids make their beds every morning. But in the grand scheme of behavior I feel it’s worth fighting over, I’m not so much a beds-must-be-made kind of person. (Just ask Otto. He makes our bed all the time, except occasionally when he decides to see what will happen if he stops. Here’s what happens: The bed doesn’t get made.)

Oh, don’t get me wrong—if we’re having company, then absolutely, the beds need to be made. I’m lazy but I’m not a HEATHEN.

And while I will often exhort Chickadee to just take a minute to make up her bed, I’m less likely to demand that Monkey do so. This is not due to any sort of gender or age inequality, but because Chickadee’s bed is unfettered on both sides (easy) while Monkey’s bed is against a wall (hard) and also an elevated “captain’s” bed, which means it’s particularly difficult for a small boy to get around for things like sheet-smoothing. (more…)

June 25, 2008 | Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Oh, hi there! I was thinking about you all morning. Yes, YOU. Many thanks to everyone who chimed in with suggestions for my daughter’s warts (though no one suggested I set aside more money for therapy after discussing her wartiness with the entire internet, interesting). We went out yesterday and got her some Neem soap and some colloidal silver and also some tongue of newt and eye of wombat, plus I ordered some stuff to tape up horses, or something, I DON’T KNOW, it’s kind of all a blur, now. But thank you for all of your collective expertise and kind words, it really was very helpful.

And yeah, we decided she can continue to swim in OUR pool, at least. We’re already exposed, so I just can’t get too worked up about it.

I would’ve come and said all of this earlier this morning, but I couldn’t, because I was picturing my slow death at the doctor’s office. (more…)

June 24, 2008 | Health is overrated, My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

So, um, it turns out that my daughter has a highly contagious skin virus called Molloscum Contagiosum. She did not appreciate the various jokes I cracked, asking her when she’d become a marine invertebrate, so I switched to shouting “MOLLOSCUM CONTAGIOSUM!” at her with a flourish of my invisible wand, and then asking her why she had failed to levitate.

For some reason, Chickadee spent a lot of time rolling her eyes at me, yesterday. I cannot IMAGINE why.

But I had to make light, you know, because otherwise I would’ve had to cry. Molloscum isn’t serious—she’s not sick or anything, and although she’s itchy we’ve now got a good cream to use—but it’s extremely contagious. (more…)

June 21, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

The children arrived home, today, after the two longest weeks of my life.

Believe it or not, they’ve never been gone from me for that long before. Ever. Honestly, I think I did pretty well. Sure, I had to demolish my entire dining room and paint fifty-seven coats of various substances on it to keep my mind off the kids, but whatever.

(I started the topcoat on the plaster at 7 this morning. At 11:45 I finished the final—third, if you must know, because navy blue would be second only to RED in the “impossible to get even coverage” category of paint colors—coat of blue beneath the chair rail, and then collapsed in a heap of blisters and delirium.)

This afternoon the children came back, and I hadn’t so much as managed to get hugs from both of them before they were asking—nay, BEGGING—to go swimming. Please please please PLEASE CAN WE GO IN THE POOOOOOOOOL? (more…)

June 12, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

It’s funny, because when I wrote about our dinner out and subsequent dessert demolition in the last post, several of you commented that you wish you could’ve seen it. And then I realized that I really wished I had given better description to what the kids did; I titled it “dueling spoons” but that was really a misnomer, because in fact, I have rarely seen the kind of cooperation they showed when it came to scarfing down that dessert.

It was rather like watching Jack Sprat and his wife share a plate, actually. There was no squabbling. There was no “SHE GOT MORE!” or “HE’S EATING MINE!” or anything like that. Monkey—my chocolate monster—ate most of the cake. Chickadee—for whom the perfect world would be coated in vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce—ate most of the rest. It was perfect harmony. (more…)