March 31, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Job? Huh?

I did my second stint as a guest speaker in a journalism class this morning, and I am once again reminded that there is no greater privilege than shaping young minds.

Wait, what? Geez, I’m sorry. Sometimes when I haven’t had enough coffee, a large LOAD OF CRAP falls out of my mouth (fingers). It sounded nice, though, didn’t it?

Oh, I love college students. LOVE THEM! I do. Except for how they’re so young and I feel like a senior citizen when I’m around them. And how they come to a 9:00 lecture and take a nap in the back of the auditorium.

Yes, I saw you. And you, too. I know it’s Monday, but there’s this awesome thing I encourage you all to check out—it’s called SLEEPING. In your BED, at NIGHTTIME. Try it, you might like it! (more…)

March 29, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

The men in my life are incomparable.

(I like how that word can be used to mean… pretty much whatever you’d like it to mean. It might be great! It might be terrifying!)

The other night as we were finishing up dinner, I leaned over and kissed Otto. I don’t remember why. Probably just because he’s kissable.

Monkey saw this and responded with delight, because he’s going to grow up to be a perverted voyeur. Er, I mean, because he is a little ray of sunshine. “Again!” he demanded. I raised an eyebrow at him. “Kiss AGAIN!” So we kissed again. Hey, there’s no need to beg or anything.

“AGAIN!” Monkey insisted, again. (more…)

March 27, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Growing

I may have mentioned that I accompanied my daughter’s class on a field trip on Monday. There’s really no way to describe heading into the woods with twenty-four fourth graders, some of whom believe that nature ends at the edge of the playground.

Chickadee is turning ten soon, and I keep asking her, “So, when do I become an embarrassment? When will the very idea of me daring to show my face within a mile radius strike fear into your heart?” Make no mistake—I’ve already started becoming stupid. Very, very stupid. And demanding. [Insert huffy sigh here.] But so far, she laughs at the idea of my mere presence being horrifying.

She loves to have me come into her class. She’s proud to have me along, while the other kids cluster around and ask to see my nails, my phone, my shoes; they ripple with shy happiness when I remember their names; I am a rare and exotic life form in the classrom, and it never ceases to amaze me. Still, my days are numbered. (more…)

March 25, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, My name is Grumplestiltskin

Dear Sir and Madam:

It it with a heavy heart and much regret that I feel the need to inform you of my decision to tender my resignation as Greatest Mother In The World. We all know that lately I’ve simply become unable to keep up with the demands of the position, and I wish to fall back at this time to something more befitting my capabilities.

This morning I feel that perhaps Mom Who Does Just Enough might be a more suitable choice. Or—should you feel it a better selection—Serviceable Mom. I shall leave it to your discretion as to which would be most useful to the organization as a whole.

I do thank you for the chance to be something more, but now that I’ve realized exactly how thankless this position really is, I’m afraid I am simply going to have to suggest that you get your own damn breakfast in the future. (more…)

March 22, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

A while ago my friend and fellow mom to a “different” child, Susan Wagner, wrote a piece called What It’s Like which I have often, secretly (until now) gone back to read when I need a little boost of solidarity. Susan says:

The hardest thing for me about parenting Henry has been the sense that every time I get my feet under me, the ground moves again and I am left struggling to get my balance. I think Henry is doing well, I can see that he’s doing well, but now I am worried all over again, and I am worried that maybe I’m not really helping as much or as well as I could be.

One of the things that I am trying to let go of is that constant worry; I’m trying to look at my children, both of them, and see not what might go wrong but what is going right. But I worry that with Henry, if I’m not ready for the disaster, I will be completely overwhelmed when it comes and will not be able to help him. And so I wait for the next bad thing, which is never — ever — the bad thing I was waiting for but always something I am completely unprepared to deal with on the fly.

I am deep in the midst of “completely unprepared to deal with on the fly” and I am so afraid I’m doing it wrong. (more…)

March 21, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

As is so often the case, the moment where I hit the wall—and it happened yesterday morning right before I wrote that post, which was right after my darling son took a swig of the medication I offered and then promptly gagged and spat two teaspoons of liquid somehow, inexplicably, into a gallon of mess on himself, the couch, and the carpet—is the moment where things start to improve for no reason at all.

Throughout the day I read through your kind comments and grumbled to myself at every suggestion of shakes or protein powder or anything else. Because he was eating NOTHING. He was drinking NOTHING. He was shoving ice cream away, whining that it was too cold. He was saying he couldn’t drink through a straw because it hurt and that he couldn’t drink from a cup because he couldn’t get his mouth right on the rim. He was taking an hour to eat two ounces of yogurt and crying about it like I was beating him. I was at rock bottom in terms of how to care for my kid, and it was killing me. (more…)

March 20, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I am not worrying. Nope. Not me.

I mean, I’m sure it’s PERFECTLY FINE that my son has had his new appliances in for three days and is still basically refusing to eat or drink. The fact that I’ve spent the last three days in the kitchen making smoothies, special yogurts, the smoothest mashed potatoes known to man, and turning cornbread into a beverage only to watch two sips/bites turn into an hour-long odyssey of fury and exhaustion—after which the food I spent so long preparing ends up in the trash—is no big deal. And even though the child doesn’t have a spare ounce of body fat on him, I’m confident he can’t ACTUALLY waste away to nothing, because that never really happens.

He has to eat eventually. Right? Right. Not worried. Nope. (more…)

March 19, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I’ve seen a lot of people reference Stuff White People Like recently, either amused or outraged, and I have to say that I haven’t yet decided which side of the fence I land on. Some of the stuff there is pretty funny, albeit irreverent. (Which is of course WHY it’s funny….)

Anyway, I’ve seen lots of discussion of item number 16, Gifted Children. We all have gifted kids! White people like gifted kids! Also, when our kids mess up, it’s just because they’re TOO gifted to function on this mundane plane of existence! This is what I’m supposed to believe, apparently.

Well, first of all, I am here to tell you that my gifted children (preshus! gifted!) are (I presume) a lot more difficult to raise than their less-gifted (and less NEUROTIC, I mean, let’s be honest here) counterparts. Second, here come the Political Correctness Police to haul me away, but at least one of my gifted kids is L-A-Z-Y. (more…)

March 18, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

The children are home, yes, and boy are their arms tired. (Ba dum bump!) Between the time change, the vacation, and the hellish trip back, they are exhausted beyond all reason. Waking them up yesterday morning for school made me feel like a card-carrying sadist, and yesterday afternoon as first one and then the other melted down while we were out, they took turns pulling themselves together out in the car while I watched from twenty feet away. Chickadee took that opportunity to read a few pages of a book and then slink back over to me and apologize; Monkey clambered into his seat and promptly FELL ASLEEP in broad daylight.

It is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.

Of course, poor Monkey got an extra helping of torture, because despite his last tragic trip to the orthodontist he was all excited to go BACK again yesterday! (more…)

March 3, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Well, THAT was an exciting weekend. Sometimes my life is just so darned thrilling, I can barely believe it.

I dunno… the whole Leap Year thing, it feels like we should mark the day, somehow. We’re always saying “I just need a few more hours in the day!” and then we get an entire extra day, and what do we do? Well, I don’t know what YOU do, obviously, but I spend it just like any other day, and then I feel like I’ve wasted my opportunity to catch up. Now I have to wait four more years to blow it the next time. Sheesh.

Actually, we didn’t spend Leap Day COMPLETELY like any other day. One might say we maximized it in that special way that only extreme tedium can. Because Chickadee had belt testing on Friday night! Thereby teaching the ancient Korean art of being bored out of one’s skull! (more…)