May 30, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, What do I do all day?

I have very little to report, because I often try to stick to the whole “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” thing. Oh. You’re laughing. Right. Well, there is a small exception to that rule, you know, which is that if you don’t have anything nice to say but you DO have something funny to say, then go ahead. In that case, I go ahead.

Today I have nothing nice or funny, though I do have 2600 square feet of boat anchor around my neck, so if my posture is a little off, that’s why.

While chatting with Susan this evening and complaining that I had nothing to blog about (see above), she was kind enough to pluck items from our conversation and direct me to write about them. That Susan; always helpful! (more…)

May 17, 2007 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I had THINGS to do today, and STUFF to say, and I was planning to write about this copy of The Dangerous Book for Boys that I received, too.

[Monkey: Does it shoot poison darts?
Me: Nooooo....
Monkey: Is it filled with sharp knife blades?
Me: Um, no.
Monkey: Well then why is it DANGEROUS?
Me: Hey, they have instructions for the best paper airplane in here---
Monkey: COOL! GIMME!]

But none of that matters now. None of it. Do you know why? I will tell you why. I can sum it up in one word: Lice.

Just in case you didn’t catch that: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE! (more…)

May 5, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

Wanna know how the second showing with the Lowballs went?

First allow me to recap. The FIRST time they came to the house, they were so late in arriving, I came home 90 minutes after they were supposed to be GONE and they were still here. Oh, well. Then they made their ridiculous, insulting offer. Then they decided to come back a second time, which made my realtor all happy. Then today they showed up half an hour early and walked in without ringing the bell (scaring the hell out of my children) and acted like I’d done something wrong.

Which was all PERFECTLY FINE. It was even fine when we got home today and it was obvious that their children had climbed all over all three beds. It was all SUPER DANDY AND FINE until looked in the kids’ shower.

Remember this little adventure? Please note the date on that post: October 5th. I repaired the wall in the shower 7 months ago and my children shower in there nearly every night and it has been fine.

The Lowballs ripped the soap dish off the wall, left it dangling, and LEFT NO NOTE. They inconvenienced me, insulted me with their stupid offer, and then BROKE SOMETHING in MY HOUSE. And told the realtor they will not be making another offer because the house needs too much work.

I told my realtor that the realtor who brought them here is never to step foot on my property again.

And then I spent my Saturday night fixing the fucking shower wall AGAIN.

IT’S FINE.

May 3, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, The Year of Living Changerously

Today was utterly craptastic for a number of reasons, and as the day progressed it just continued getting more unbelievable and difficult, until finally I decided that for the next week I am not thinking about anything other than what color I might like to paint my nails.

Look, I’ve really never given being vapid a heartfelt shot. Maybe I’ll enjoy it.

You might be able to grasp the level of suckosity when I tell you that the LEAST heinous thing that happened today was that we got an offer on the house. And not just ANY offer, but a real humdinger. Yes. These generous folks wanted to give us twenty thousand dollars under our asking price, but at least they didn’t want to close for three months AND they wanted the whole shebang to be contingent on the sale of their home.

My knee-jerk response was to tell them to pound sand, but then I got a much more brilliant idea. My realtor was less amused, though, by my suggestion that he tell them we’d accept their asking price only if they would meet us in and hour at an undisclosed location with the money in a duffel bag.

April 20, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

I live at Panera now. As I’m unable to complete my work at home with my COMCASTIC internet (non)service, I’ve decided to just throw in my lot with the baristas and sandwich-makers. It’s gotta beat spending one or two hours every day on the phone with the nice, polite people in Canada who don’t know anything “aboot” the fact that my local technician center is manned by retarded toddler yaks.

This morning at 4:30 (I got up early to work, you know, hoping my COMCASTIC internet was back on, SILLY ME) the nice Canadian at Comcast who HAS internet service listened to my tale and admitted that the service I have received is—and I quote—”positively shameful.”

But do I have service? No, I do not.

But I do have a basement full of water.

And a 9-year-old recovering from gum surgery.

And a really big cup of coffee to go with my current murderous rage.

Otto will be here in a few hours (finally) and I will ignore him all weekend so I can do all the work I’ve not been able to do this week. It’ll be good practice for being married, right? HA. HAHAHA.

Kill. Me.

April 12, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Ottomatic For the People, The Year of Living Changerously

The Pretty One is off the grid. Again. Hopefully she’ll be back online again in the morning, but until then you get my musings. And if she’s not online in the morning, she’s headed to the wireless store. (Think our parents had any idea one of those was coming? Well, perhaps – they did invent the Radio Shack. Kind of the same thing.)

So our evening conversation wandered around as it always does. She hates the weather up there. She hates her cable provider. She hates icy roads that prevent her from getting to the grocery store. But the kidlets loved the made-from-scratch pancakes. Mmmmmm …. Pancakes …. Er, sorry about that.

(more…)

April 11, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Ottomatic For the People

It’s T-minus one month, folks, before I put on the dress and the shoes and swear at my hair a little bit and go become Mrs. Otto. There are a million reasons (well, half a dozen, anyway) that we’ve settled on the day we did, and we’ve long since made peace with the fact that we’ll essentially be stealing a weekend for the wedding and a brief getaway before Otto goes back to Georgia and I finish up dealing with things here for another month and a half or so before The Big Move.

We are accustomed to the long distance thing; we don’t like it, but we’re used to it. And it’s temporary. Come late June, the days of a weekend here or there will be over for us. It’s just that sometimes the separation pretty much blows chunks. (more…)

March 13, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

Maybe it’s just a coincidence that, well, everyone seems to have gone COMPLETELY INSANE since we changed the clocks, but I dunno. I think the cosmic balance has been upset. Or Mercury is in retrograde. Or there’s a monster on the wing of the plane. (Wait, not that last one, probably.)

Seriously, the last few days I’ve been having a difficult time for a variety of uninteresting reasons, and then I started looking around and realized that really, it’s fine, because everything and everyone else has gone haywire and by comparison it’s all good. (more…)

February 21, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

Yesterday I noticed that my tax refund had been deposited into my checking account. I made a mental note to think some more about where that money needed to go; would I have enough to maybe buy something not strictly necessary? Would I need to set it all aside for bills and the move?

Well, I have been checking periodically on my leaky pipe in the basement because it’s only BARELY leaking, you understand, but I figure it warrants watching. As I opened the basement door this morning, I chuckled to myself, thinking how ironic it would be if I found the leak had worsened and needed immediate attention.

Actually, the spot on the floor I’ve been watching was bone dry. I heaved a sigh of relief.

And then I turned to head back up the stairs and found myself facing my (recently repaired) boiler, which was sitting in a large puddle. And spewing water from two different locations.

But at least this happened after a really rotten morning. And the afternoon wasn’t much of an improvement.

And the repairman called me HONEY. Not as in, “Honey you are so adorable I cannot help using an endearment on you,” but as in, “Honey you are so stupid I am wondering how it is possible that you remember to breathe.”

And I gave up chocolate for Lent.

Kill me.

January 30, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

… any time I have to, say, do anything else. At all. Ever.

Listen, I hadn’t had my hair cut since NOVEMBER. I waited as long as I could, because after the relative freedom of cutting all of my hair off a while ago I immediately turned into Goldilocks and was all “I want it SHORTER. No! Wait! That’s TOO short! Now a bit longer. That’s good. A little more. No! SHORTER!” After a while of this, I settled on A Plan to grow it out to something still short, but longer than it had been, and as this involves growing out umpteen layers, I have been TRYING to stretch out the time inbetween appointments.

Because it sort of sucks to pay real money just to have a quarter inch of hair trimmed off back there on my neck. (more…)