November 28, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Oh, the joy of a long weekend! The sleeping in! The holiday food! The family togetherness!

The quiet implosion when you attempt to return to your previous schedule!

[And hey, speaking of schedules, I realized yesterday that it had been over a week since my MRI adventure and I hadn't heard a thing, so I called my doctor to inquire. They informed me that they haven't received the report, yet, but will call when they do. Fine. I was almost content to assume "no news is good news" from that, buuuuuut then in the mail I got an official-looking letter letting me know that my mammogram yielded abnormal results and would require further investigation and please call right away. Not the MRI, mind you. But the mammogram. You know, the mammogram I had TWO MONTHS AGO? I told Otto to put this on my tombstone: "We just got a letter back about her MRI."] (more…)

October 19, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Ottomatic For the People

Recent events have turned me into a not altogether pleasant person. I am worried sick about Monkey; there is a story forthcoming about The House That Will Not Sell that sort of makes me want to punch myself in the face because, honestly, there should be a limit to the number of times a person can whine about such things, but mostly I want to punch my realtor in the face (hint: he is “just as frustrated” as I am about the current situation, he likes to assure me); work is a little stressful right now (ha! ha! just a little!); and next week I have to go have an MRI because I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT. So.

This results in things like sitting on the couch with Otto in the evenings, being not nearly so interested in the Red Sox as I ought to be because I’m busy working on my laptop, and whining a lot. (more…)

October 18, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I am trying.

I am trying to see and appreciate the good in the folks who are TRYING to help my child despite various limitations, be they the constraints of school policy, understaffing, or their own preconceived notions.

Or their own faulty memories.

So let’s get this right out of the way up front: I love Monkey’s teacher. I do. She’s a veteran and she has gone out of her way to to do certain things for him even when the school administration has dragged their feet, and despite the occasional interesting spelling (this week’s feature: candycorn! all one word!) I think she’s pretty good at her job. More importantly, I can tell that she genuinely cares for Monkey. I can forgive a lot in the face of genuine affection.

But I am reaching my limit. (more…)

September 11, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

I love how you all enjoy my discussion of all the wonderful new wildlife here in the south. And by “enjoy” I mean “squeal like little girls.” I feel you, I do. I don’t like it either. And yesterday as I was reading the comments about our velvet ant sighting, I said to myself, “Self, that is surely the strangest bug you are going to see here in Georgia.”

Ha!

Well, pride goeth before a fall. And denial goeth before more weird bugs. Shortly thereafter, I had the dubious pleasure of sighting something actually much weirder (and LARGER), though it was thankfully in someone else’s house, so I plan to believe no such creature could ever come in here. (Also, it’s a basement-dweller and we have no basement! Ergo, I’m in the clear! Lalalalalala… what? I can’t hear you!) (more…)

August 16, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

No, you didn’t miss anything. This is a two-part story (see? tale of TWO cars?), but I’m not ready to tell you part 1, just yet. Part 1 cannot be told without flames shooting out of my eyeballs and veins bulging in my neck. Part 1 is the story of why—nearly eight weeks after moving—I still do not have a car of my own. Part 1 should come first, I’ll grant you that, but, um, too bad.

This is part 2. This is about Otto’s car.

So I moved down here, carless, and Otto and I were drunk on love and possibly cheap beer, and we said that me not having a car would be NO PROBLEM for a little while, because Otto has a car! And Otto would not be going back to work until August (oh, hey, look—it’s August) and also, Otto had an extra car so we’d be perfectly fine. Hahahahahaha. (more…)

July 17, 2007 | Health is overrated, My name is Grumplestiltskin

You know how people say that “truth is stranger than fiction?”

The thing about fiction is that you WANT it to seem like truth, so it can’t be TOO outlandish or people would say “No way, that would never happen.” Even though the things that happen in real life are FAR stranger and worse and weirder, because those are the things no one would believe if they weren’t true.

My life, for example. It would be terrible fiction. Who would believe it?

Okay, maybe not my WHOLE life. But today, for sure. Today started out great and then just kept sliding downhill at a gallop and now it’s all I can do to pull my face out of this box of cookies and tell you about it. (more…)

May 30, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, What do I do all day?

I have very little to report, because I often try to stick to the whole “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” thing. Oh. You’re laughing. Right. Well, there is a small exception to that rule, you know, which is that if you don’t have anything nice to say but you DO have something funny to say, then go ahead. In that case, I go ahead.

Today I have nothing nice or funny, though I do have 2600 square feet of boat anchor around my neck, so if my posture is a little off, that’s why.

While chatting with Susan this evening and complaining that I had nothing to blog about (see above), she was kind enough to pluck items from our conversation and direct me to write about them. That Susan; always helpful! (more…)

May 17, 2007 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I had THINGS to do today, and STUFF to say, and I was planning to write about this copy of The Dangerous Book for Boys that I received, too.

[Monkey: Does it shoot poison darts?
Me: Nooooo....
Monkey: Is it filled with sharp knife blades?
Me: Um, no.
Monkey: Well then why is it DANGEROUS?
Me: Hey, they have instructions for the best paper airplane in here---
Monkey: COOL! GIMME!]

But none of that matters now. None of it. Do you know why? I will tell you why. I can sum it up in one word: Lice.

Just in case you didn’t catch that: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE! (more…)

May 5, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

Wanna know how the second showing with the Lowballs went?

First allow me to recap. The FIRST time they came to the house, they were so late in arriving, I came home 90 minutes after they were supposed to be GONE and they were still here. Oh, well. Then they made their ridiculous, insulting offer. Then they decided to come back a second time, which made my realtor all happy. Then today they showed up half an hour early and walked in without ringing the bell (scaring the hell out of my children) and acted like I’d done something wrong.

Which was all PERFECTLY FINE. It was even fine when we got home today and it was obvious that their children had climbed all over all three beds. It was all SUPER DANDY AND FINE until looked in the kids’ shower.

Remember this little adventure? Please note the date on that post: October 5th. I repaired the wall in the shower 7 months ago and my children shower in there nearly every night and it has been fine.

The Lowballs ripped the soap dish off the wall, left it dangling, and LEFT NO NOTE. They inconvenienced me, insulted me with their stupid offer, and then BROKE SOMETHING in MY HOUSE. And told the realtor they will not be making another offer because the house needs too much work.

I told my realtor that the realtor who brought them here is never to step foot on my property again.

And then I spent my Saturday night fixing the fucking shower wall AGAIN.

IT’S FINE.

May 3, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, The Year of Living Changerously

Today was utterly craptastic for a number of reasons, and as the day progressed it just continued getting more unbelievable and difficult, until finally I decided that for the next week I am not thinking about anything other than what color I might like to paint my nails.

Look, I’ve really never given being vapid a heartfelt shot. Maybe I’ll enjoy it.

You might be able to grasp the level of suckosity when I tell you that the LEAST heinous thing that happened today was that we got an offer on the house. And not just ANY offer, but a real humdinger. Yes. These generous folks wanted to give us twenty thousand dollars under our asking price, but at least they didn’t want to close for three months AND they wanted the whole shebang to be contingent on the sale of their home.

My knee-jerk response was to tell them to pound sand, but then I got a much more brilliant idea. My realtor was less amused, though, by my suggestion that he tell them we’d accept their asking price only if they would meet us in and hour at an undisclosed location with the money in a duffel bag.