April 30, 2008 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

… that it’s not going to be a good day when you’re headed out to the dentist and you end up running over a squirrel.

God, I hate squirrels. HATE THEM.

Still, it’s not like I TRIED to run him over. He (she? it?) was darting back and forth ahead of me, and he’d run off mostly to the side, and along I came, and he ran right out under the car and I felt that tell-tale kerTHUMP as he met my rear tire. Whoops.

It was already not a good morning, if you must know, and I’ll confess that my immediate reaction to his demise was “SERVES HIM RIGHT FOR EATING MY DECK!” (more…)

April 15, 2008 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

Lord, I need more strength this morning than my one allotted breakfast cup of coffee is likely to impart. Be with me, please, and help me not to hurt anyone or grump overly at those who do not deserve my wrath. Indeed, help me to be kind even to those who honestly deserve my bile, because I’d like to be the sort of person who is graceful under pressure and not the sort of person who spouts obscenities in a crisis.

I pray all of this in the name of your Son and also chocolate and bacon and pretty pink drinks… Amen.

Oh, hi! Sorry, I find that starting off my day with a heart-felt prayer can really help to clear my mind as well as fine-tune my righteous indignation later on when everything is still a great big mess. Don’t mind me. (more…)

March 25, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, My name is Grumplestiltskin

Dear Sir and Madam:

It it with a heavy heart and much regret that I feel the need to inform you of my decision to tender my resignation as Greatest Mother In The World. We all know that lately I’ve simply become unable to keep up with the demands of the position, and I wish to fall back at this time to something more befitting my capabilities.

This morning I feel that perhaps Mom Who Does Just Enough might be a more suitable choice. Or—should you feel it a better selection—Serviceable Mom. I shall leave it to your discretion as to which would be most useful to the organization as a whole.

I do thank you for the chance to be something more, but now that I’ve realized exactly how thankless this position really is, I’m afraid I am simply going to have to suggest that you get your own damn breakfast in the future. (more…)

March 17, 2008 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

There was another post here, but my husband very rarely suggests I remove something from the site, and… actually, he has never before suggested that I take something down. But today he did. And even though I am extremely annoyed at him right now, he’s probably being more sensible than me.

So here is what I can tell you, instead: The effort I put into preparing a given recipe is inversely proportional to how good the food turns out. Take a bunch of crap out of the fridge and throw it in the crockpot? Delicious! Painstakingly slice and dice and carefully brown the meat and reduce the sauce and braise and such? Meh.

You’re welcome. (The other post was more interesting, but whatever. I apparently enjoy throwing my work away.)

March 15, 2008 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

So last night we grabbed a couple of friends and headed out to a little dive for beer and wings, because that seemed like a fitting way to celebrate our last child-free night. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot get the kids interested in hot wings. (Or beer. Damn kids.)

So anyway, first someone brought us some water and then DIED, or at least that’s what we assume happened, because after a good half hour of sitting there with just water, Otto had to go track down someone to wait on us. The gentleman he brought back was extremely sweaty and I could not stop staring at his hairline, where his hair was plastered down with wet and beads of sweat clung to his forehead. “What do you suppose he’s doing that’s MAKING him that sweaty??” I asked, after he left; but even as I said it, I realized that was one of those questions I really didn’t want answered. (more…)

March 7, 2008 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

We’ve been having huge problems with our broadband service, lately, possibly because all cable companies are run by soul-sucking incompetents, or possibly because my personal electro-magnetic field has thus far managed to disrupt my internet service, on occasion, everywhere I have ever lived. It matters not, I suppose.

And so there have been countless calls to Charter to report the agonizing slowness of our connection speed, and all of the fabulously unrelated questions we get asked when we make those calls. Because, you know, whether or not I have a lot of MUSIC ON MY COMPUTER, that would affect my connection speed, apparently. Also, I have taken to lying and saying that we’ve unhooked our router and have one computer directly hooked into the cable modem, just so that we can skip the part where we spend twenty minutes with them trying to convince me the router is broken. (Hint: It isn’t.) (more…)

March 5, 2008 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

No, really. I may have made it up just now (what, I’m not allowed to do that?), but EMBRACE IT. Today’s the day to bitch and moan about things irritating you, and you get to feel just a little more superior about it because saying that something is STUCK IN YOUR CRAW is very satisfying, and somehow more justified-sounding than THESE PEOPLE ARE PISSING ME OFF.

It’s good for the soul. I swear.

Also, studies show it’s good to shrug off petty annoyances and even major worries, because you’ll stay healthier when you’re not aggravated. But other studies (mine; very scientific they are, too, with data collected over wine and chocolate while not-knitting) show that if you cannot shake these things off, it’s highly therapeutic to VENT LOUDLY. (more…)

January 23, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, My name is Grumplestiltskin

Once upon a time, your life was perfect. Ideal! You lived in a nice house with an intact nuclear family. Everything was flowers and rainbows and sunshine, and no one ever yelled, and the food was always exactly what you wanted, and you never did anything wrong because everything was exactly the way you liked it.

(Well, you were both under 5, back then. I’m SURE it’s not that your memory is hazy or wholly manufactured; it was really JUST LIKE THAT. Obviously.)

Then, of course, everything went wrong. Your parents got divorced and life went to hell, because now nothing was perfect anymore and your horrible mother was constantly placing these ridiculous EXPECTATIONS on you, like that you would LISTEN TO HER and FOLLOW THE HOUSE RULES and EAT WHAT SHE COOKED.

Oh, the HUMANITY! (more…)

December 28, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Health is overrated

… until somebody ruptures an eardrum!

(What, your family doesn’t have that rule?)

Oh, I kid. No one has a ruptured eardrum. I just WISH I had a ruptured eardrum.

So, um, remember that cold I had? My cold that was getting better? My cold that suddenly sensed I was over a thousand miles from home and decided to morph into FORM OF: EAR WEASEL and commence throbbing and itching and generally making me wish for death? Yeah, that cold. I hate that cold.

Why yes, I DO believe that cold knows I’m away from home and also, you know, not generally a fan of the sensation of a creature trying to nibble its way to my brain via the ear canal. Because colds are bitches like that. (more…)

November 28, 2007 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, My name is Grumplestiltskin

Oh, the joy of a long weekend! The sleeping in! The holiday food! The family togetherness!

The quiet implosion when you attempt to return to your previous schedule!

[And hey, speaking of schedules, I realized yesterday that it had been over a week since my MRI adventure and I hadn’t heard a thing, so I called my doctor to inquire. They informed me that they haven’t received the report, yet, but will call when they do. Fine. I was almost content to assume “no news is good news” from that, buuuuuut then in the mail I got an official-looking letter letting me know that my mammogram yielded abnormal results and would require further investigation and please call right away. Not the MRI, mind you. But the mammogram. You know, the mammogram I had TWO MONTHS AGO? I told Otto to put this on my tombstone: “We just got a letter back about her MRI.”] (more…)