Hey kids, drugs are bad!

This is not a post I wanted to write. I blog about many things, but I think I have yet to blog about this particular thing. And yet, here we are.

Let us briefly retrace my medical steps of the last week. On Sunday night, I broke my stupid hand on a stupid apple. I then spent many hours in the emergency room with my long-suffering husband, and when we left we had a prescription for a heavy-duty narcotic (Narcotic 1). I had told the ER staff that I don’t do well with narcotics; in fact, most of them make me throw up. So when I mentioned this, they threw in a prescription for an anti-nausea med to take with it. This was very nice of them. However, I was still worried about taking the medication they’d prescribed, because—in case you haven’t noticed from the years of my neurotically writing about it—I fear nothing as much as I fear vomiting. The next morning (Monday), I saw my primary care doctor. I mentioned that I had been given a narcotics prescription but that I was afraid to use it. My primary care doctor, who is very nice, gave me a prescription for something “non-narcotic,” and said that it was unlikely to make me ill (we’ll call this the Not-Narcotic).

I did a small victory dance. Surely this medication would be the answer to my (pain) prayers. When Otto came home that night, he’d filled my prescriptions. I happily popped two of the Not-Narcotics, looking forward without to my pain ending without any subsequent silliness. Within about 20 minutes, I was completely stoned. Why yes, I AM a cheap date, why do you ask?

This was fine, of course, because I was at home, not using heavy machinery, and headed to bed. However, I was somewhat surprised to find the non-narcotic medication made me, well, stupid. No matter! I’d barely slept the night before, and looked forward to finally getting some sleep.

The next morning, I awoke refreshed and not at all hung over. Hooray! Off to surgery! We arrived at the hospital, I donned the stunning hospital gown, was poked with an IV, and that’s pretty much all I remember. I think they gave me Versed. Or maybe this was just what happens when you start down that road to becoming a junkie. Hard to say. Anyway, one assumes they gave me some sort of pain relief while they were busy filleting my hand. I woke up in some pain, and they gave me something else. Plus, they sent me home with yet another prescription—we’ll call this one Narcotic 2. I was dopey and sleepy and Otto took me home and put me to bed. The next thing I remember, I was taking something—I’m not sure which narcotic it was (oh, the shame)—and taking the anti-nausea drug with it. But! You know what happened next, right? I got nauseous! Even though I wasn’t supposed to! Oh, the humanity! So later I switched back to the Not-Narcotic, though it didn’t really handle all the pain.

The next morning, the surgical nurse called to check on me. I reported that it appeared that someone had run my hand over with a truck. She was not amused. I also reported that despite the anti-nausea medication, the narcotics were making me feel quite ill. She apologized profusely, and offered up yet another prescription, this time for a medication that might not make me sick. (If there was a narcotic that was not going to make me sick, why wasn’t that the first thing that they prescribed??) Otto dutifully went and filled that prescription for me. I didn’t try Narcotic 3 until the next day, but it took exactly one dose for me to figure out that it made me just as sick as all the other drugs. Yes, I took it with the anti-nausea medication. Yes, it still made me puke. I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GIFT.

On Thursday and Friday, I stuck to the Not-Narcotic, except at bedtime, when I allowed myself one dose of the heavier medication. It seemed to work—my pain was mostly managed, and I wasn’t overly nauseous.

This brings us to Saturday. This is the part where it gets hard to write. If you are squeamish, now would be a good time to go read something else. Anything else, really. Ahem.

Because Otto is a rock star, and also because he continually goes above and beyond for his students, he was away aaaaaaaall day on Saturday running a workshop for his kids. That meant that Monkey and I were home alone. Now is a good time to note that Monkey had a terrible cold and was tired and cranky, which suited me just fine, honestly, because I was also tired and cranky. Clearly it was going to be a day of sloth, television, and good old-fashioned rest. Except.

It was around lunch time when it first occurred to me. I was trying to get Monkey to eat something. “You have to eat something,” I said. “Just a little something?”

“But I’m not hungry,” he whined. Well, I understood that. I hadn’t been very hungry, either. And then I took a quick mental catalog of what I’d eaten in the past week. Tapioca pudding. I’d asked Otto to buy it for me—something I normally never eat—because it sounded good. Some coffee. Half a bowl of cereal, maybe? Eggs, one day. Lots of ice cream and chocolate. And, of course, the cursed, stupid (yet delicious) apple crisp. Not exactly a balanced diet. And the good news was, I was actually feeling hungry. That was a good sign. Maybe I was finally on the mend.

I don’t remember what I ended up eating, but it was probably the first thing close to a real meal I’d had in five or more days. Monkey ate, I ate, and all was well. Right up until I went into the bathroom.

(Listen, I wasn’t kidding about the squeamish finding something else to read. It’s about to get difficult in here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

So here’s the thing about narcotics: apparently, they can cause constipation. I didn’t really know that, or maybe I did, somewhere in the back of my brain? Certainly it hadn’t occurred to me this past week. At least, not until that fateful trip to the bathroom. And no, I am not going to regale you with the gory details, because even I am not quite that gross. What I WELL tell you is that after what seemed an interminable amount of time (most of it spent trying not to whimper too loudly), Monkey came to the door, knocked, and said, “Mom, what are you DOING in there? You’ve been in there FOREVER!”

Had I not been in excruciating pain, maybe I could’ve whipped out a snappy answer for him. I could’ve said I was knitting a sweater, or that I was assembling a ship in a bottle. Instead, I merely managed a weak, “Honey, Mom’s not feeling so good right now. I’ll be out in a few minutes.” He clearly found this answer unsatisfying, and walked away grumbling about how weird grown-ups are.

As for me, I sat there filled with regret. Regret, and, evidently, a week’s worth of waste product. Somehow I had failed to notice my body’s apparent hiatus from the natural order of things. And now I was paying for it with a kind of pain that made the discomfort in my hand feel like a gentle tickle. Drugs, man. They will FUCK. YOU. UP.

When I finally exited the bathroom, I did the only logical thing possible—I called a girlfriend to cry. She was kind enough not to 1) hassle me for being stupid, or 2) chastise me for calling to tell her that I couldn’t poop. In fact, she brought me some pear juice. That’s a real friend, right there. (Real friends still like you, even when they know you’re LITERALLY full of shit.)

Somehow I made it through the rest of the day. I drank copious amounts of juice and water, and ate nothing but apples and dried apple slices. I tried to think, um, soft and soothing and, er, mobile thoughts. Otto arrived home in the wee hours, and collapsed into bed. I thoughtfully waited until the next morning to inform him that I needed him to go to the store and buy me all manner of embarrassing products. Because he loves me, and because he was probably just a little bit scared, he did exactly what I asked, and didn’t even complain. It takes a special kind of love between a man and a woman to survive a husky request for Preparation H.

Of course my other response to this turn of events was to immediately stop taking any and all prescription drugs at my disposal. This was only logical, as it was the evil drug that had caused my intestines to turn against me. Unfortunately, my medication fast lasted about 3 hours before I was in so much pain that Otto asked me what the hell I was doing. So maybe that particular course of action wasn’t, shall we say, well thought out. I took a half dose of the Not-Narcotic to see if that would suffice. It seemed to work, and today I was all set to just switch to Advil.

I was quite literally about to pop the Advil in my mouth this morning when the phone rang. It was my very chipper hand surgeon, calling to see how I was doing. (Side note: I am suspicious of relentlessly happy medical professionals. Right or wrong, someone who is that happy about driving screws into my hand raises my hackles.) I mentioned that I was switching to Advil, and he became very concerned. Hey, did you know that Advil can actually inhibit bone growth? It can! Advil BAD! But he said I could take Tylenol, if I wanted. I, of course, couldn’t find any Tylenol in the house. But I promised him I would buy some. You know, to add to my pharmacy. “You know,” he said, “you could just take half of the other pill.” What a good idea! Why didn’t I… oh, right.

Well, all’s well that ends well. I’m pleased to report that my… um, situation… has mostly resolved itself. Unfortunately, it now feels like every muscle in my body has been stretched to the breaking point. The good news is that this means—in comparison—my hand doesn’t hurt all that much! The bad news is that I imagine this is probably what it feels like after having been tackled by a 300-pound linebacker. And while everyone is very sympathetic to my purple fingers and bulky splint (“Oh you poor thing, what happened?”), it’s a lot harder to garner sympathy in polite company for having plugged yourself up with a bunch of medication that mostly just made you feel sick and stupid.

This leaves me with just one burning question: how do people end up addicted to this stuff? It not only makes me feel dumb, and often makes me puke, it completely arrests peristalsis. Are there people in the world who get off on being pukey, stupid, and constipated?? Am I missing something? I guess I’m in no danger of addiction. Learn from my mistakes, kids: If you must take pain killers, don’t forget the fiber.

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68 Responses to “Hey kids, drugs are bad!”

  1. 1
    Musingsfromme/Jill October 22, 2012 at 9:34 am #

    After my third c-section, I NEVER forgot to take the Metamucil. I still had massive constipation about 5 days out from surgery. Yikes! Glad to hear that you survived the drugs.

  2. 2
    karen October 22, 2012 at 9:37 am #

    UUGH! Well, I don’t tolerate meds very well either, so I know how frustrating that whole deal can be. I think it’s probably why people like you and I never got involved with bad drugs or severe drinking in any way.. because quite literally we couldn’t handle it!!

  3. 3
    Jen October 22, 2012 at 9:40 am #

    I remember a ‘friend’ once extolling the virtues of a particular illegal drug. He went on and on about how it makes you so alert and awake and you don’t need to sleep and you don’t eat and blah blah blah. I responded ‘dude, my two favorite things in the world are sleeping and eating. That drug sounds like the stupidest thing ever.’ We haven’t spoken since. I agree with you, I just don’t get it.

  4. 4
    Brigid October 22, 2012 at 9:41 am #

    Ouch. I feel your pain. (not the hand pain, but the other…) I was feeling that my stool softener FB comment crossed a line, but now I just wish I’d said it earlier.

  5. 5
    stephanie October 22, 2012 at 9:48 am #

    happiness is hearing my 17yo daughter (after shoulder surgery) yell from the loo “I POOPED!!!!!!!!!!” and we all cheered. ;)

  6. 6
    dad October 22, 2012 at 9:48 am #

    This has to be the funniest commentary on pain, puking, constipation and drug addiction ever written.
    Hope things return to normal, whatever that is, soon.

    That would be normal for normal people. Your normal is still off the scale.

  7. 7
    Amy@Binkytowne October 22, 2012 at 9:48 am #

    You poor thing. Pukey and in pain is a special circle of hell. For the record stool softeners can be of great assistance during these times, just in case, you know, you want to throw some other foreign substances into the mix. For shits and giggles (I’m so sorry. I couldn’t resist..) Thank god for imitrex and good friends and wonderful husbands and terrible weeks like that being over.

  8. 8
    Beth October 22, 2012 at 9:48 am #

    Poor baby! Glad to know you’re on the mend! You know, you could do an ad: “This is your poop. This is your poop on drugs.”

  9. 9
    deva October 22, 2012 at 9:50 am #

    Oh Mir, that all sucks in such a big way. I hope that physically things turn a corner soon.

  10. 10
    bonuela October 22, 2012 at 9:50 am #

    got nothing on the nausea, but as for the other, my doc gave me a stool softener to go along with my make – you – so – woozy – you – don’t – care – about – the – pain pills.

  11. 11
    Katherine October 22, 2012 at 9:51 am #

    I don’t have nearly the nausea issues with narcotics, but I still don’t like the way they act. I’m not real happy with walking across the room and suddenly having my legs go all boneless on me. And yet, still being in pain.

    Have some prunes. or prune juice. After my first kid, the doc was kind enough to write an order for Metamucil or the like, which helped out. After the second kid, the doc didn’t and the hospital couldn’t give me any without the docs ok. But prune juice was on the menu. It worked quite nicely (and tasted better too).

    I hope that you are feeling much better soon – all over!

  12. 12
    Joy October 22, 2012 at 9:54 am #

    Dr office should have told you to start Colace when you started the pain meds – they always constipate people. I can relate to the experience – hope you’re feeling better soon.

  13. 13
    CIndy October 22, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    Yeah, I have the same problem with narcotics PLUS a super helpful side of hives and itching to go with my nausea. I had a tubal ligation a couple of years ago and said “don’t waste the paper because I won’t get it filled” to the nurse who told me I would go home with a script. I explain my reactions and mention that morphine is the exception but I have only had it a couple of times (after major surgery). So the nurse says, “hey you want a shot of that before you go home?” And I said sure. THREE DAYS later, I finally could keep my eyes from rolling back in my head and stay awake for more than the two minutes at a time.

    I pray that you will heal up quickly and not need any pain meds. STAT.

  14. 14
    aimee @ smilingmama October 22, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    One of my college writing profs once said that true love is when someone cares if you are constipated. At the time I couldn’t even fathom what she meant. Now, I completely agree!! So glad you’ve got that in Otto and the friend you called!

  15. 15
    Claudette October 22, 2012 at 9:58 am #

    Probiotic pills, along with a nice probiotic yogurt, will certainly help with the digestive system. Try it. A capsule with powder is preferable as it will work faster. I know, because I’m on a triple dose of antibiotics (and I’m never on any kind of drug at all) and when they told me that most people will have serious issues with their digestive system from taking this drug, and I didn’t, I high fived my probiotic pills.

    Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

  16. 16
    bkwyrm October 22, 2012 at 10:00 am #

    Aw, man, that’s awful. I’ve been in pain management for a long time and on and off narcotics for about 20 years and the thing I always do is take a Senna supplement with the narcotic. Every single time. Otherwise, I have the…um. Issue. Also, dried prunes are surprisingly tasty. Just sayin’.

  17. 17
    bj October 22, 2012 at 10:03 am #

    well, at least there’s the fact that in spite of all of this (broken hand on apple peeler, constipation, pain killers, husbands sent off to buy prep H), you still have a wicked sense of humor.

    Now, start working on the stand-up comedy act! It might at least be distracting.

  18. 18
    Amy-Go October 22, 2012 at 10:03 am #

    You and I have the same special gift. I would almost always choose the pain over the side effects of the pain medication. After my hysterectomy and subsequent sampling of every pain medication known to man, my doctor helpfully remarked “God help you if you ever break a leg.” So guess what I did last summer? That’s riiiiiiiight…

    I recommend wine. I find a low level of drunkenness does the trick quite nicely.

  19. 19
    Karen R October 22, 2012 at 10:04 am #

    Poor, poor Mir. I hope things improve soon — like NOW. On a side note, acai fiber is the best thing ever. It dissolves so well, is so completely tasteless and textureless, than even my autistic daughter will take it when needed.

  20. 20
    Nelson's Mama October 22, 2012 at 10:06 am #

    Oh, Mir. Wish I were your friend in real life…I have had nothing to offer you lately, but I am a orthopedic frequent flyer (one hip and three shoulder surgeries since 2007). Tons of things I could have told you that would have made this leg of your journey a little more bearable…

    Am completely surprised they didn’t do a nerve block on your arm, makes initial recovery and pain easier.

    I’m assuming the the non-narcotic pain killer that you are using starts with a T, if it does, they won’t prescribe it for long – it is very tough on your liver.

    Senokot-S (and the generics) are the most gentle of the laxatives.

    I hope you get your pain under control soon – I am thinking of you…

  21. 21
    Nancy October 22, 2012 at 10:08 am #

    Mir, I think you’ve had enough adventure at this point. Maybe go hide somewhere for a few months?

    Like you, I can’t fathom an addiction to prescription pain meds. Along with the constipation, I get auditory hallucinations and paranoid delusions. Makes for some fun times (not) while spending too much time in the bathroom.

    I hope you’re recovery is smoother (pun intended) in the days to come.

  22. 22
    Jennifer Joyner October 22, 2012 at 10:11 am #

    Okay….that was hilarious (sorry to laugh while you feel so bad…but you still tell it so well!)

    I have the same problem with narcotics…but with all my health issues, I figured out how to take them (and get the much needed pain relief) without puking my guts out.

    Take the anit-nausea med about 15 minuntes before taking the narcotic. That means the world of difference for me….with it, I am not sick at all. If I take the anti-nause at the same time or after the narcotics, I’m green and pukey (is that a word???)

    Good luck, Mir!! Still sending healing vibes your way!!

  23. 23
    Debby (Everybody's Boy) October 22, 2012 at 10:11 am #

    I have so been there. One time I popped a blood vessel in my eye. For realz.

  24. 24
    Jen October 22, 2012 at 10:13 am #

    I just keep wondering when in hell the universe is going to cut you a break. Sadly, I was prepared to read that you ruptured your intestines this weekend. :(
    Hot water bottle on the tummy, lots of water, bad movies. We’ll all scream to the skies for you.

  25. 25
    Emily October 22, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    My husband is recovering from hernia surgery – a surgery that was supposed to be resolved laproscopily (ie easy recovery) but ended up being a normal traditional surgery (ie harder recovery). They gave him Norco and said ‘oh this might make you sick & maybe make you constipated’. Thank God I thought to have him taking colace ASAP…. I shall leave the other details to your imagination. They didn’t want him taking advil b/c of possible additional bleeding.

  26. 26
    Laura October 22, 2012 at 10:23 am #

    I had two Hyperemesis pregnancies which required the use of Zofran and my trips to the bathroom actually prepared me for pushing during delivery. Literally, I have felt your pain and my husband has felt Otto’s (running to the store for the most embarrassing objects ever.) I heartily recommend putting Benefiber in everything you eat and drink until things get back to normal. I hope your entire system is on the mend soon enough.

  27. 27
    Kate October 22, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    No sure who I like more: long suffering Otto or your dad!!

    Glad you’re on the mend and headed to a new, better normal!!

  28. 28
    BethRD October 22, 2012 at 10:37 am #

    Pain pills don’t make me throw up, and I use them very gratefully when I am actually hurt, but I still don’t get the addiction thing. Aside from pain relief, the major effect of the pills seems to be to make me sleepy. So if I took them when I was not in pain, I’d get… sleepy? Somehow I’d always imagined that drugs were more exciting than that.

  29. 29
    Julie Marsh October 22, 2012 at 10:37 am #

    Oh Mir. I think every mama who’s given birth knows the pain and fear of constipation, and we sympathize greatly.

    I’m still stuck on the line about filleting your hand. That’s going to haunt me for a while.

  30. 30
    Erin October 22, 2012 at 10:41 am #

    Two years ago I had a D&C after my second miscarriage in 3 months. I had never been under anesthesia before and no on told me it put, uh, your pooping system to sleep too. Several days later, adding insult to injury, I had my first experience withhemorrhoids. Now I am a big advocate of colace and make sure anyone I know going into surgery has some.

  31. 31
    Laura October 22, 2012 at 10:48 am #

    I thought you were going to mention that you got a presciption for anti-nausea suppositories. I thought that was the “gross” thing you were warning us about…hee… Not that I would know about those…look over there something shiny!

    Let’s just say after my hysterectomy, as I was wearing an anti-nausea patch, I had taken some anti-nausea pills, and as I was…um…expelling my narcotics and my lunch orally, said prescription mentioned above became necessary.

    See, not squeamish here. Maybe because I’ve lived it. Good luck to you and I hope you feel better soon. Prune juice will do a body good. Did you know they even have metamucil cookies? Or maybe they’re considered wafers, whatever. Not too terrible…again…not that I would know or anything. Heh…

  32. 32
    Arnebya October 22, 2012 at 10:48 am #

    At one point in reading, yes, I did say in my head, “Shit’s about to get real.” Sorry for that.

    Preparation H is my friend (until, of course, it falls from my hand and rolls into the occupied stall next to me. My truth from last week).

    I’m glad your, um, situation, has rectified itself. I will not take this moment to comment about how I nearly typed rectal instead of rectified. Except I just did. Boy, I am full of sunshine.

  33. 33
    Korinthia October 22, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    Oh I’m so sorry! How awful.

    I’ve only had experience with hospitals for the birth of my kids and all the drugs they put me on after my first C-section caused me to puke in the hall. It was so gross. I made the nurses show me exactly what I was taking, and declared they should just switch me to ibuprofen. The doctor was shocked the next day but I was doing SO much better. I learned my lesson and made sure not to take much for the pain the next couple of times. I’m with you. I don’t know why anyone seeks out such things for recreation. Give me some chocolate and a book and that’s as far as I want to be transported.

  34. 34
    Anna October 22, 2012 at 11:11 am #

    Ah, yes. My husband herniated a disk about a year ago, and in about an hour, he had oh… SEVEN different meds in him. The hospital gave him an injection *in his stomach* with a LONG needle, just for this particular issue. Someone- especially the pharmacist- should have informed you.

  35. 35
    Janet October 22, 2012 at 11:27 am #

    I’m not sure why you’re not naming names, but I’ll drop one of my own: Vicodin. I took 2 doses and let’s just say the intestinal pain was worse than 2 unmedicated childbirths. Never again!

  36. 36
    TC October 22, 2012 at 11:57 am #

    Colace, baby. Colace. That’s all I have to say in the wake of two c-sections; I’m convinced that the only reason my insides are still inside me post-surgery is colace. Though at this point, it’s probably too late for that in your case; you need to take it while you’re taking the painkillers.

  37. 37
    Carla Hinkle October 22, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    Um, Mir? It sounds like you’ve already figured yourself out but, should you find yourself in this situation again…don’t go for apples. Remember the BRAT diet, to combat nausea/diarrhea? Apples will stop you up MORE. Pears, yes. Prunes, of course. Raisins, great. Just not apples. :-)

  38. 38
    Barnmaven October 22, 2012 at 12:16 pm #

    I have a very sensitive sytem — a good portion of my life, not to mention a prescription or two – is completely devoted to maintaining the delicate balance between too much and not enough. Deviation causes much pain and grief, and yes, love DOES mean someone cares if you’re constipated. My husband is a saint.

    Did you ever hear that story about Elvis Presley? I don’t know if its a myth or not, but he of course died of a drug overdose, and rumor has it there was about 40 lbs of compacted matter in his intestines. Imagine trying to pass THAT.

  39. 39
    Tracey October 22, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

    Oh man am I sorry to hear this but I couldn’t help chuckle. My husband had spinal fusion surgery in ’09 and spent an insane amount of time under the influence of a variety of high dose narcotics pre and post surgery.
    We call that lovely powdery substance that helps move the bowels by the name “shit grit”
    It’s the only thing thta works when the medication plug the works.

    Hope your hand feels better soon.

  40. 40
    Kickback October 22, 2012 at 2:11 pm #

    That kind of stoppage will have you praying to whomever will listen. That very pain is what I use as a bench mark. If my friends wanna bitch about being hit by a car or having their nose broken they get no sympathy until they’ve passed a school bus (not one of the short ones either) through their ass.

  41. 41
    Lori N October 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

    Ummm, usually they also prescribe some stool softeners to try and help with that. Not sure that good old fashion fruit/fruit juice therapy like you initiated doesn’t work as well or better. :) Sorry you had to go through that.

  42. 42
    Margaret October 22, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

    It royally pisses me off that nurses don’t tell patients to take a stool softener (or two) EVERY SINGLE DAY they take narcotics. It is a totally preventable side effect. A friend of mine donated a kidney to her father and said the worst part was the constipation X number of days after the surgery. Yes, someone cut her wide open and removed one of her organs and the constipation was the worst part. Inexcusable.

    Also, they have recently-ish taken darvocet off the market. It was problematic for some people, but a much better option for many people who didn’t want the stronger drugs.

    *****So, this nurse advises strongly: if anyone has reason to take narcotic pain medication, take a stool softener (colace/docusate sodium) every day unless said person is having diarrhea.*****

  43. 43
    Sassy Apple October 22, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

    I feel sorry for you, but I can’t stop giggling…..

  44. 44
    Jeanie October 22, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    So glad you’re feeling better. I can relate, though. I had oral surgery a month ago, and when the Novocain wore off dutifully took my prescription narcotic pain medicine. I was in the bathroom within an hour and a half, so sick that I could barely change out of my clothes and crawl into bed. Thankfully, the pain wasn’t too bad the next day, so I took nothing. At least I didn’t have to try several meds and also have a problem with the other end, too. Oy.

  45. 45
    Christine in Los Angeles October 22, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

    Oh, Darlin’ Mir … at one point in a 17week healing from a nasty cat-bite (by a nasty cat), I was given a prescription for a 10day course of pain meds, with a caution that constipation was a side-effect.

    No, no, no. Nine days later, I finally got rid of everything that was in me. Seriously, I felt I should’ve dropped 20pounds (rotten way to diet, but at least that would’ve been a good side-effect).

    I believe someone already noted that this whole year, if you wrote it as fiction, would be rejected by any competent editor … “let’s not get too carried away, Mir”.

    Gawd, girl, 2013 can only be better, You’ve used-up your quota of ‘events’.

    God bless, Christine

  46. 46
    Christine in Los Angeles October 22, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    Noo-ooo-oo-o, the caution on the prescription was for the opposite effect, but apparently my intestines didn’t get the message … Of course, I realised my error, as soon as I hit ‘submit comment’ … ain’t that always the way.

    Note to sel: proofread, then send!

    Be well soon.

    God bless, Christine

  47. 47
    A Different Kind of Zoe October 22, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

    Mir, the wait for your Monday post is always worth it. As the owner of a $100 bottle of anti-depressants that give me severe puking migraines, we need a way to return the unused portions of drugs that make us worse. That said, the street value of your medicine cabinet would more than pay for the narcotics, with enough left over for a pretty new pair of shoes. Or a payment on the hospital bills. Just sayin’.

  48. 48
    ste October 22, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

    After my c-sections I was also instructed to take Colace. Took are of all the problems in a non oh-my-god-my-innards-are-being-twisted-inside-out-and-thrown-on-the-floor sort of way. Glad you’re feeling better!

  49. 49
    Pris October 22, 2012 at 6:45 pm #

    This is your most hilarious post yet, and that’s saying something. Thank you for regaling us with your adventures of not-pooping. Really. Thank you. :D

  50. 50
    Jessica October 22, 2012 at 7:14 pm #

    I am so, so, so, so, SO glad that the nurse at the hospital after my husband’s surgery in April told him to take a stool softener with his meds. They were giving them to him every time they gave him something in the hospital, and they said to buy it immediately when we got the ‘script filled. Of course, they also said that their favorite thing to hear a patient say after surgery is, “I poo’ed!” Their second favorite is “I passed gas!”, so, you know, they have a different idea of fun than I do anyway! ;- P

  51. 51
    bryan October 22, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

    If you are inpatient for surgery, one of the Milestones on the Path to Discharge is the pooping and the passing of gas. (I think the passing of gas is primarily for surgeries in which they take out your intestines and put them in a bowl for a bit before replacing them, like c-sections and hysterectomies.) After my aunt had her hysterectomy, she admitted to me in a whisper that she had to stay an extra day for non-gas passing. I asked her, “Didn’t you tell them that you were in the Junior League?”

    (Have you been in the south long enough to get that joke?)

  52. 52
    Little Bird October 22, 2012 at 9:42 pm #

    Allow me to one up this. Just this once. I had four tumors (FOUR!) removed from the rectal orifice. Surgically. And was given pain meds. Not that good of ones either. But they did have that blocking aspect to them.
    A week later, when I could FINALLY poop, it was bad. Like slasher movie bad. I nearly passed out from the pain.
    Drugs are BAD y’all.

  53. 53
    Debra October 22, 2012 at 9:42 pm #

    Forget the antiemetics! Nearly all of them will cause constipation. You just need some good ol’ medical cannabis to treat the nausea :) If you can’t find that, then maybe a daily dose of Miralax.

    Get well soon.

  54. 54
    Lori in MN October 23, 2012 at 1:28 am #

    This brings back such scary memories of feeling like I was trying to pass what felt like a pineapple….

  55. 55
    elz October 23, 2012 at 9:21 am #

    Oh honey, I know it isn’t funny (to you), but it is really funny to me. That Otto is a keeper. Hope things improve!

  56. 56
    Linda October 23, 2012 at 10:00 am #

    They should have told you to take stool softener pills. Of course, they didn’t tell my husband but his brother did, thank goodness. They help.

  57. 57
    Mary K. in Rockport October 23, 2012 at 10:57 am #

    Colace never did a thing for me. Miralax, baby, Miralax. It’s even got your name in it!

  58. 58
    Pip October 23, 2012 at 12:16 pm #

    Hey Mir!

    Re Otto being awesome – I think my fiance is something special too. I had an upset stomach for seven months which resulted in the, er, opposite of YOUR poop issue. For SEVEN MONTHS. Christmas shopping was a hoot. Anyway, my other half, Chris, went about for five hours with a sample of liquid poop in his pocket – he forgot it was there and took the dog for a really long walk – then, when he remembered it was there he spent the rest of the walk singing a jaunty tune with the words ‘Pip poop in a cuuuup’ until he got back to the doctor’s surgery.

    Four vials of blood (I got heat stroke at the phlebotomist’s and threw up within hearing of thirty people) and a cup of poop later, the doctor decided it was probably due to stress and gave me some tablets which seem to have fixed my digestive system. huzzah!

  59. 59
    Karen October 23, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

    I had to do a double take because I could have WRITTEN this post today. I just had my wisdom teeth extracted and had the EXACT same painkiller saga. The only thing that has worked for me is alternating Advil and Tylenol.

    Pudding for all.

  60. 60
    Morgaine Fey October 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm #

    Woo! If you wanna talk about that problem, try the anti-anxiety med, depression med, AND Vicodin combination!

    Seriously, the worst couple of weeks of my life. I never thought I would miss that bodily function quite so much.

    Glad to hear you are getting along better now! >^-^<

    ~M~

  61. 61
    Amma Always October 23, 2012 at 11:04 pm #

    Oh, poor Mir. I’m so sorry. In my job I deal with two things – pain medication and the results of pain medication. And I will tell you what I can’t tell my patients: #1) Vitamin C – Natures Great Mover-Along-Of-Things. Just keep taking more until things…ahem…resolve themselves. And another great product – Fiber Gummi’s. They not only move things along – They lowered my husband’s and my cholesterol an amazing amount. And they are yummi. I would eat the whole jar-full if it wouldn’t make my intestines explode. I do hope your recovery is quick. As our family saying goes in such circumstances – “Poor baby!” (Said with heartfelt sympathy.)

  62. 62
    gilly October 24, 2012 at 12:57 am #

    as a pharmacist I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS tell patients about the likelihood of constipation with any med that may cause it. Or even perhaps cause it.
    A student at one store i ws working at asked me why i go on ans on about constipation. He ( and most others) felt it to be more important to warn about the sedation and not even mention the constipation)
    a few years later when i bumped into him he told me that he had had to have surgery and was given narcs and now he understood me and ALWAYS cautioned about the constipation.
    justified
    A tip for you about nausea. If there is any reason to suspect you may get nauseaus at any time for any reason follow my advice and you will forever be thanking me. Seriously
    keep a few lemon sliced close to hand.
    The moment you feel nausea coming near pick a slice of lemon and lick it.
    I am being very serious here.
    It cuts nausea like magic.

  63. 63
    Meri October 24, 2012 at 1:54 am #

    Ack, I’m sorry! The doc can give you a script for cortisone suppositories if need be.

  64. 64
    mamaspeak October 24, 2012 at 3:14 am #

    Since I’ve been on & off the “heavy-duty” pain killers for about 6 yrs now. (That sounds awful doesn’t it? It’s been slow, but I haven’t had one in almost 2 months. The weather change is killing me though, almost took half of one this morning.) I have found that if I keep my coffee intake consistent, I do not suffer from the particular side effect. The “makes you stupid,” if I’m in enough pain, it makes me stupid. It’s interesting to note that people would think I was on pain killers & it was like, “No, not till another adult is around to be in charge of the kids. But yeah, that’s how bad it is; I lose my words in the middle of a sentence.” Pain sucks dude.

    Feel better.

  65. 65
    Kirsten October 24, 2012 at 3:14 am #

    2oz of prune juice + 2oz of apple juice. mix in an itty tad of microwave melted butter.

    Voila… “the slider”…..

  66. 66
    Stimey October 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

    Seriously. You can’t even just get high like a regular person? It has to turn into a whole big nightmare? I’m going to start sending you a teddy bear every day. You’ve earned something like 85 good, peaceful years to come. You have to have by now.

  67. 67
    Wendy E October 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm #

    Definitely not squeemish here as I have puked way more than most people could ever dream of doing after three hyperemesis pregnancies. That being said – narcotics make me sick and surgery makes me constipated EVERY SINGLE TIME. And it doesn’t matter what the surgery is for. No matter what I do I end up in that exact same situation. Nothing is worse than that pain.

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  1. Various non-hurricane things | Woulda Coulda Shoulda - October 29, 2012

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