We had a meeting over the phone with Chickadee’s “treatment team” (and I use that term loosely) last week, during which I’m pretty sure my head exploded. In the aftermath I had a small tantrum and then returned to all of the things I’m supposed to be doing. We took Chickie out for a while on Saturday and on the drive home I made Otto stop and get me some coffee because I was starting to feel that bone-crushing weariness that was putting me to sleep while I was sitting up. He stopped; I drank my coffee; I fell asleep anyway. And then we came home and I was futzing around online, and while reading the words of a woman who lost her child in a terrible accident I realized I was actually (do not think this is comfortable for me to admit) jealous. In a few short hours her nightmare descended and was over. Nine months into losing my child in bits and pieces, I was jealous of someone else’s loss. Something in me just… broke.
So that was me realizing I’d hit the wall. I basically crawled into bed for two days and tried to cry/sleep it off. I don’t know how successful I was. Yesterday I got up and shopped for groceries and wrote a long email to the CEO of the hospital. Today I go back to putting one foot in front of the other.
There’s a hundred things I need that no one can do for me and I’m still trying to figure out how to do for myself. I know it’s ridiculous, but what I really need right now (that you can maybe provide) is a new recipe. Hit me with a dinner idea that incorporates sweet potatoes; I am tired of alternating between veggie chili and baked sweet potatoes topped with black beans. I know it’s a dumb-sounding request, but I think it will help. Thanks.