Things to do on the weekend

A handy guide to Fun and Hilarity for your weekend, if you happen to be me and have lofty plans of how supergreat your weekend is going to be in spite of the fact that you neglect to actually plan it out in any way, shape or form.

If you are a beginner, don’t attempt all of these options in a single weekend. Pace yourself! But if you’re me, you can indeed find a way to cram all of these events into a single two-day stretch. People, I’m a professional.

Without further ado, things to do on the weekend:

1) Nothing. Doing nothing isn’t as easy as it sounds, because rarely does one truly do absolutely nothing. The Mir-version of nothing involves parking on the couch with a lot of snacks and an entire season of America’s Next Top Model while one’s husband and children are away. A sleepy dog in your lap is optional but quite nice.

2) Make more strawberry things. Because, you see, picking two gallons of strawberries has consequences. Like, all those berries have to be hulled. And made into things. And eaten. Or frozen. Or something. So hull away, and eat some, and freeze some, and bake a whole bunch of stuff. Let the children have strawberry cream cheese coffee cake for breakfast before the return to school on Monday and encourage them to tell you how great you are.

3) Vow to Clean All The Things. Notice this isn’t ACTUAL cleaning, just a plan to clean. (That means you can make this plan while watching ANTM and eating strawberries. Yay!) Plans are good. Plans make you feel productive!

4) Clean Some Of The Things. Clean bathrooms, for example, because yeesh. Clean the kitchen. Vacuum up some dust bunnies. Do some laundry. State unequivocally that you are absolutely, positively, certainly for sure going to clean your desk finally because it’s becoming a fire hazard.

5) Don’t clean your desk. Oh, come on. It’s not going anywhere. Besides, cleaning the bathrooms tired you out.

6) Receive the landscaping estimate your husband insisted you get. Getting the estimate itself is a passive activity, of course, but hopefully you’re well-rested for the hysterical laughter that will be necessary to process the many buckets of dollars the smarmy “well, talk it over with your husband” landscaper is requesting for the super-complicated job of killing some weeds and spreading some gravel.

7) Decide you don’t need no stinkin’ landscaper, spend half a day tearing out weeds, chopping down bushes, and otherwise bonding as a couple in the great outdoors. You can divvy this up however you like, of course, but because my husband is a lot stronger than me and also impervious to pollen—whereas I am small and weak and a mess of seasonal allergies—I like to compliment Otto profusely on what a GOOD JOB he is doing in the yard while getting ready to join him verrrrry sloooowwwwly. Once outside, I can usually muster the enthusiasm to tackle cleaning out my vegetable boxes—because you know how happy growing food makes me—but by the time I’ve handled those I am a mess of flowing snot and blooming hives. This generally results in Otto being overcome by my sexiness and suggesting I go inside before everyone else notices. Then I get to go take a bunch of Benadryl and a shower while he finishes everything else.

8) Make husband take you out for a late lunch of tacos and margaritas. Hey, you worked hard. See also: nom nom.

9) Go to the garden store for supplies. Spend hundreds of dollars on exciting things like landscaping mesh and new zucchini seeds. Realize that the combination of Benadryl and tequila is… kind of potent. Woo! Potting soil, yay! Hey, LET’S GROW EGGPLANT THIS YEAR!

10) Research pea gravel. Giggle every time you read or say “pea gravel,” because you are a 10-year-old boy on the inside, and also because it’s a handy diversion from the fact that apparently your husband has decided to order fourteen tons of the stuff and have it dumped in the driveway so that the whole family can spend the NEXT weekend shoveling, spreading, and otherwise enjoying said pea gravel. (Heehee… pea gravel.)

11) Finish weaning off your anti-depressants because life is no longer stressful. AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! What? Oh, sorry. Hang on a sec.

11a) Wait for concerned phone call from your mother now that you told the Internet you are no longer taking anti-depressants.

11b) Finish explaining to the Internet that your experience with medication is that it wanes in efficacy over time, and periodic breaks are useful. The last time I went on medication, the intention was to go off it somewhere in the January-February timeframe. That (obviously) didn’t happen, because we went into crisis mode and even I am not dumb enough to try to get through something like that on willpower alone. Things are better now and the days are longer and the dog and I take walks and soon I will spend lots of time outside talking to my plants, and all of those things mean that I can go medication-free for a while. This is good, because as grateful as I am for the help with my stubborn brain chemistry when I need it, I also appreciate not feeling tired and somewhat flat and somewhat fat (hey, those rhyme), too.

12) Have a family meeting about chores. Discuss a master Chore Chart. Propose to the children that various chores will rotate every week unless they agree otherwise. Watch in amazement as they easily and happily work out a trade-off schedule with each other based upon their various preferences. Wonder where YOUR children are and who THESE kids are. Glance around furtively for hidden cameras.

13) Go over schedule for the coming week. Feel slightly overwhelmed. Wonder why you didn’t clean your desk. Wonder if it wasn’t such a good time to go off your meds, after all. Eat some strawberries. Pat the dog. Snuggle with husband. Realize it’s all fine. End your list on number 13, because that’s your favorite number.

18 Responses to “Things to do on the weekend”

  1. 1
    Aimee April 16, 2012 at 9:41 am #

    Gee, I wonder why you’re tired? Good grief, lady ;)

  2. 2
    Liza April 16, 2012 at 9:43 am #

    That sounds really productive. I think you might have failed at the “do nothing” part. :)

  3. 3
    Damsel April 16, 2012 at 9:51 am #

    Awesome. :)

  4. 4
    Mocha April 16, 2012 at 10:02 am #

    I had a list for the weekend. My actual list looks more like yours. Plus I had a few meltdowns which the kids find acceptable in copying now.

    At least you had strawberries! All I had was the kids’ Easter chocolate…

    :)

  5. 5
    dad April 16, 2012 at 10:05 am #

    I get exhausted just reading about your intentions.

    Blend some of those strawberries for your next round of daiquiris.

  6. 6
    Arnebya April 16, 2012 at 10:22 am #

    Nothingness was how I started the weekend. Leave it to Sunday to say wait, have you seen your sinks and toilets lately? Funny, we also had the chore meeting this weekend that went amazing well (minus the eye rolling that a certain child must think is unseeable by her mother’s back of the head eyes).

    And you have more this week? Sheesh. (You sound like my husband w/the Benadryl (although he enjoys the loopy with a Primatene Mist, liquid Claritin, and a shot of his inhaler. Ah, grass cutting time with an overly medicated man. Fun!).

  7. 7
    Lucinda April 16, 2012 at 10:32 am #

    Best of luck to you with your medication weaning. I know that can be a slow and painful process. We have a friend who suffers the same type of depression and we have watched him struggle for years. Prayers for you and woohoo! for such a productive weekend.

  8. 8
    Frank April 16, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    For #7… be thankful it was ONLY hives and flowing snot. believe it or not it CAN get worse. Go on, ASK me how I know this…

    I read #7 (Benadryl) and #8 (Margaritas), and facepalmed BEFORE I got to #9. Surprised Otto let you off easy at the store with you in such an ‘agreeable’ mood.

    For #12, amidst your furtive camera searching, you forgot to mention Allen Funt…

    PS— Licorice doesnt like strawberries?? who DOESNT like Strawberry Licorice

    This random post brought to you by; Too Little Sleep (Insert catchy jungle here)…

  9. 9
    amy April 16, 2012 at 10:40 am #

    What an extremely fulfilling weekend!! My weekend included lots of cooking and online game playing. :)

  10. 10
    Holly Gault April 16, 2012 at 10:54 am #

    This in NO WAY sounds like ‘doing nothing.’ Your list makes me tired and flat, and, hoo boy, fat.

  11. 11
    Katie in MA April 16, 2012 at 11:41 am #

    Your dad is so smart! If you are too exhausted from all of the doing and the summarizing, I selflessly offer to come blend those daiquiris – I mean, strawberries! – for you. :)

  12. 12
    Daisy April 16, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

    Benadryl and tequila before the gardening store? Ooh, that’s dangerous. My big weekend adventure was redoing my rock garden and drinking rum punch. Sounds… frighteningly similar. I’m still on my meds, though.

  13. 13
    Jen April 16, 2012 at 7:11 pm #

    You need more Do Nothing in your life. Unless you want to come rake out the four inches of rotting mulch in my garden beds. No? Dang.

  14. 14
    Bryan April 16, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    You fail at doing nothing. When I do nothing, I rock it. I sleep and check email, play some facebook game, eat some carbs and fat, drink some coke. Most of this while in bed.

  15. 15
    MitMoi April 16, 2012 at 7:59 pm #

    I LIVE.for.the.day .. when I am as proficient @ “doing nothing” as you.

    My example of doing nothing looks like this:

    Wake up … cook something to eat … read … nap … cook mid-day meal … read … make list of things that MUST BE DONE OVER THE WEEKEND … don’t complete itemization of list … nap.

    Wake up – notice how much messier kitchen is before weekend began … shove aside dishes and do cook something else. Read & go to bed.

    Wake up next morning (extra early – because you went to bed @ 8:30pm) … read newspaper … vow to be “productive” … cook … nap … read blogs … look outside …. look inside … decide to leave the house “because you’ve done nothing all weekend”.

    Return Sunday night … and realize YOU.HAVE.DONE.NOTHING all weekend – and wonder how you can delay Monday.

    FAIL @ Monday delay – then read Mir’s blog and realize you are a PIKER at “doing nothing”.

  16. 16
    Jessica April 16, 2012 at 9:04 pm #

    My weekend plans consisted of

    1. get over the sinus infection by
    2. sleeping a lot
    3. fit in grocery shopping somewhere
    4. oh, and that pesky laundry.

    I proceeded to have an absolutely terrible time sleeping due to the sinus infection (see: cannot breathe while lying down and cannot sleep while breathing through mouth or sitting at any way erect). I finished half of the laundry, though, if that counts. And everyone at work says I look better (apparently last week I looked like death warmed over, and I have a hard time not being super-cheery around people at work, because my personality tends toward “what? My arm has been hacked off? Oh, la di dah! It can’t be that bad. How are YOU doing? How is YOUR day going?” (But then I get home and rip off my husband’s face with my temper because my arm hurts, so…there’s that. My poor husband.)

    Ummmm…anyway, good on ya! ;~)

  17. 17
    Jessica April 16, 2012 at 9:06 pm #

    Oh geez, I do need more sleep. I finished half the grocery shopping. The laundry is all still in baskets, waiting for me to do that… (I did finish the other half of grocery shopping tonight, though. The laundry can wait.)

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. It’s true, we totally rock | Woulda Coulda Shoulda - April 25, 2012

    [...] may remember that one piece of my recent weekend of doing pretty much nothing included a landscaping estimate. This is because my darling husband seems to believe that the [...]

Design by LEAP