It’s… educational!

You guys. I… I can’t even. Because words fail.

A couple of weeks ago someone posted this on Facebook, and I watched it with a mix of horror and delight. Because LOOK:

And I made Otto watch it, too. And Otto said, “No. YOU ARE NOT WATCHING THAT WHEN IT COMES ON TV.” And I argued, and he kept saying no, and then last night I was channel-surfing and it was on and he was upstairs, so I watched it. With Chickadee.

Now, maybe it wasn’t a great idea to watch it with her in the room, largely because what teenager wants to hear her mother alternately shrieking with laughter and choking with squicked-out embarrassment on behalf of people who have no idea that their Speshul Romantic Moment looks a lot like a mama bird regurgitating worms for her young? But I found it and was transfixed, and Chickie was sitting there copying over some homework, so we watched it together.

Y’all, I’m pretty open with the kids about sex and everything. And I’m… you know, pretty liberal and all… but I do believe that sex is Serious Stuff. Part of my standard repertoire is the caution that sex is a Big Deal Indeed, something to be shared between ADULTS who have LOVE and COMMITMENT to each other, etc. I think these are important messages to communicate to humans I’m raising.

But. God. If ever there was something that made me want to grab my child and scream, “PLEASE HAVE SEX! BEFORE YOU’RE 30 AND WEIRD AND ON THIS HORRIFYING TLC SHOW! JUST DO IT!” it was this show.

Chickadee was mostly keeping her eyes on her notebook, but every now and then something would either catch her attention on the screen or she’d hear me gargling back astonishment and look up again. The whole show was… such a trainwreck of epic proportions. It was MAGICAL.

Actual conversation I had with my teenager during this viewing, proving once and for all that parenting IS actually fun:
Me: Oh God. It’s about to happen. You have to watch this.
Her: Uh, they’re not going to show actual sex, are they?
Me: Ha! No! Look, remember that video I sent to Miss Joshilyn, the one where you asked me what I was talking about with her? It was this. It was these two people who’ve never even kissed before, getting married and then kissing. It’s horrifying. You have to watch.
Her: I’m not sure I would know the difference. I mean, I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to be like.
Me: Oh, honey. TRUST ME. Just watch.
*the regurgitating-and-biting-each-other bird-faced kisses commence*
Me: *breathless from laughter and tears*
Her: Oh. WOW.
Me: I KNOW!
Her: HOW OLD are they?
Me: 30, I think.
Her: Uh, I’m 13 and I’ve never kissed anyone and even I know that’s just WRONG.
Me: OH GOD, they’re going to show it AGAIN!
*the kiss is replayed while we both shriek and cover our faces*
Her: Why… why… they just… I AM EMBARRASSED FOR THEM.
Me: THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.
Her: Mom, I think you’re enjoying this a little too much.
Me: Yes.
Her: I’m beginning to understand why Otto didn’t want you to watch this. This is almost physically painful.
Me: Yes.
Her: I’m not in any hurry, you know, but I think this makes it clear that waiting to kiss someone until you’re married is… probably not a good idea.
Me: I concur. Also? Their wedding night consummation is going to last about three seconds and be the most awkward thing in the world. Too bad they can’t show THAT.
Her: Ewwwwww.
Me: You love having me for a mother.
Her: Whatever.

Otto came downstairs in the final minutes and Chickadee and I both froze up like deer in the headlights and insisted we weren’t doing anything. Because honesty is important, but not when it comes to seeing the final awkward moments of a show this awesome.

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56 Responses to “It’s… educational!”

  1. 1
    Rachael December 15, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    Jeez… I’m laughing so hard and thinking why didn’t they at least try to practice kissing on their pillow… their favorite stuffed animal… in front of a mirror before that monstrosity! ROFL!

  2. 2
    Kelly December 15, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    OH my gosh – I didn’t know that was a show and wow…. how funny and horrible at the same time.

    [Also, I hope to figure out this fun balance of parenting girls when they are older - this may change my rule of no dating until 25....]

  3. 3
    elz December 15, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    I went to college with a few people who weren’t kissing before marriage. I was raised a good Catholic girl and I understand waiting for the deed. But, kissing? Come on. Why the heck not? I don’t think God wants anyone to be stuck with a spouse who thinks that eating your face is an appropriate display of affection for the next 50 years. Honestly.

    I had to fight every part of my train wreck tv tendencies NOT to watch last night.

  4. 4
    Amy December 15, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    If I ever get married again, I promise to invite you and then when it’s time to kiss, I promise to kiss my new husband just. like. that.

    Also, as an aside, the guy I’m dating now…when he was younger his mother told him that hugging lead to holding hands, holding hands lead to kissing, and kissing lead to a baby in the belly. So maybe that’s why these people haven’t kissed…poor sex ed.

  5. 5
    Leanne R December 15, 2011 at 9:56 am #

    O M G. There are no words. o.O But there is MUCH laughter.

  6. 6
    Mom24@4evermom December 15, 2011 at 10:06 am #

    I am so confused, because I promise if my first kiss had been like that, there never would have been a second. Gross!

  7. 7
    Mandy December 15, 2011 at 10:08 am #

    I saw it, too, in a grading-induced moment of what can only be described as a lapse in judgment. It was horrific. And did you see how she kept trying to eat his face off for the rest of the episode? Seriously wrong. She was like a starving animal trying to wolf down a carcass all.at.once.

    What a cool mom you are.

    And those roommates who went on a blind date with – surprise – 3 male virgins? I think they were lying. But I’m a cynic like that.

  8. 8
    Jen December 15, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    HA!! I also watched this last night. Hilarious and disturbing all at the same time. I have to admit I found the three girl roommates to be just as disturbing as the kissing couple.

  9. 9
    Anna Marie December 15, 2011 at 10:10 am #

    Whoo boy. I have tears rolling down my face I’m laughing so hard! I’m mortified for them.

  10. 10
    Debbi December 15, 2011 at 10:18 am #

    That’s SOOOO gross. I’ve lost a few brain cells over the years and don’t even remember my first kiss. OH! Yes, I do, and I promise it wasn’t like that!

  11. 11
    JennyA December 15, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    Even if they’ve never kissed anyone before, have they not… watched TV? Or… seen a movie? Ever? I just…. Are they for REAL? My first kiss was certainly nothing to write home about, but even at 15 (16?) it was a considerably more suave attempt than… whatever that was. I’m not sure whether to laugh or just gape in horror.

  12. 12
    JennyA December 15, 2011 at 10:26 am #

    Although I will say this for her — she has panache.

  13. 13
    el-e-e December 15, 2011 at 10:34 am #

    Do you think the groom was thinking, “WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?”

  14. 14
    Arnebya December 15, 2011 at 10:39 am #

    This is horrifyingly wonderful. I don’t watch much reality tv, BUT I recently stumbled across something on Lifetime called One Born Every Minute. It tells the stories of child birth, the drama behind the lives of the parents. The episode I watched showed grandmothers arguing, then fighting. Minutes after the birth. It was disgusting. And hilarious. And embarrassing. And hilarious. And I won’t ever watch it again b/c my laughing made me feel wrong for laughing and my husband shileded his eyes and I am most certainly not going to go over to Hulu and see if there are any more episodes, honey, I’m just not. Please leave the room now so I can switch back.

  15. 15
    Vern December 15, 2011 at 10:40 am #

    Ok, I saw a clip of this on “Ellen” and I thought it was just a joke that SHE put together! This is for REAL?! Oh, the humanity. In the interest of full disclosure and at the risk of cyber-judgment, I was not a lip virgin when I got married but I was otherwise a virgin and WE WERE NOT LAME LIKE THAT. I mean, couldn’t they at least read up on some strategies in Cosmo or something? Maybe watch a few soap operas together first?

  16. 16
    Amanda December 15, 2011 at 10:41 am #

    Now I.must.see.if.this.is.on.VOD. This might even be better than My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I’m such a sucker for BAD reality TV.

  17. 17
    Barbara December 15, 2011 at 10:41 am #

    Thank you! I really needed to laugh, and that did it. More painful than the old films they used to show in health class that passed for sex ed.

  18. 18
    Sara December 15, 2011 at 10:56 am #

    And to think that I spent the night reading because I didn’t think there was anything good on last night! You really should post a better warning about that video. Now it’s in my head. And I can’t. Get. It. Out.

  19. 19
    jadine December 15, 2011 at 11:19 am #

    Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I can’t even click on your embedded video, having seen it already on tv. OMG. I watched it through splayed fingers, alternating between dry-heaving and snorting. I grew up a clueless dork in Catholic school, and I NEVER kissed like that. As someone mentioned: haven’t they EVER seen people kiss before? EVER? Your reaction was the same as mine, but I couldn’t have described it as well :)

  20. 20
    jones December 15, 2011 at 11:27 am #

    ewwwww….i saw it on tv and gagged. really people, in this day and age? get a movie or a book or something………..bleh

  21. 21
    Little Bird December 15, 2011 at 11:33 am #

    I thought you were exaggerating! That had to have been the most awkward kiss ever in the history of kisses! Perhaps they should have done some research first. Or seen a pg-13 movie.

  22. 22
    Aimee December 15, 2011 at 11:36 am #

    How many times do you think the average person sees people kissing on TV or in the movies (or on the sidewalk, for that matter) before they reach the age of 12, let alone 30? I mean, seriously. It’s one thing to never have DONE it, but… WOW. That is horrifyingly awful and hilarious.

  23. 23
    Gigi December 15, 2011 at 11:37 am #

    Wow, just wow. It´s not even a question of why didn´t they practice with a pillow but more like don´t they eve watch tv? or go to the movies? Even Disney princesses kiss better than that!

  24. 24
    Kim December 15, 2011 at 11:52 am #

    Listen, people, you go thirty years with no water, you’re not going to sip. Just sayin’.
    But yes, cringy. Double quadruple cringy. And? Am now very grateful to the junior boy who gave my sophomore self her first kiss, because what I remember is, OH. Oh, wow! And? I have two little girls, and I’m going to be walking a very fine line in ten or so years. Because I’ve always, always, regretted that my first time wasn’t with my first love in junior high school. (Turns out he regretted it, too.) So I may be a bit conflicted when I get there.

  25. 25
    Kim December 15, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    Ok, that came out wrong. Turns out we both thought our first times swhould have been with each other. That’s better.

  26. 26
    Otto December 15, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    For the betterment of our world, I have decided to revoke Mir’s television privileges until that show is off the air.

    Chickadee, you’re welcome.

    -otto

    P.S. What stunned me more, though, was that Lowe’s ran an ad on the show, which is a total train wreck of mindless drivel that mocks the entire Christian ideal of saving yourself. It is too bad that company has their head so far up their … well, let’s just say shopping there WAS very convenient.

  27. 27
    Megan December 15, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

    Dear Chris-I-forgot-your-last-name: THANK YOU for kissing lip-virgin me back-stage freshman year. Thank you for probably being a lip-virgin yourself so you chose the darkest most un-overlooked possible part of the wings, and thank you for also therefore being too shy to give me any post-kiss feed back that might have scarred me. Because of you I learned the difference between a kiss and a peck, between a tongue and a tonsillectomy, and between soft and moist and just plain sloppy.

    And, since I cannot bear watching humiliation I am totally NOT going to click play on that clip – the reviews were more than enough! Those poor, poor, silly people…

  28. 28
    meghann December 15, 2011 at 12:55 pm #

    Ok, I’m going to come out and say that my husband waited to kiss anyone before me. I won’t say how old he was, and we DID kiss before we got married, for the record, but he was pretty old. And uh, it was a good kiss. He knew what he was doing, for the most part. The rest, I had a whole lotta fun teaching him. Bwahahahahahaha.

    These people. . .there are just no words.

  29. 29
    Tracy B December 15, 2011 at 1:15 pm #

    Where did these people come from? They have been living under rocks….too funny! But what did Otto say?????

  30. 30
    Mary Fran December 15, 2011 at 1:53 pm #

    MY EYES! MY EYES! That man is EATING his bride. Oh, the horror.

  31. 31
    Jackie December 15, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

    oh my word! I watched this a few weeks ago and could not agree with you more. lol

    It was like a train wreck where you didn’t want to watch but couldn’t turn away. It was gross and fasinating at the same time.

    I wonder if they are going to follow the other virgins on the show or do a follow up to see how the wedding night went.

    Ok I know I’m sick because I so want to know.

    jackie

  32. 32
    The Mommy Therapy December 15, 2011 at 2:32 pm #

    I saw this clip on Ellen and could not believe it. Hilarious and horrible.

    Chickadee has a very valid point about her being 13 and already knowing this looks wrong. I guess you only think that’s the way to kiss if you wait until you are thirty to do it.

    I think it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job as a parent!

  33. 33
    Little Bird December 15, 2011 at 2:56 pm #

    Even the Duggar kid and his bride did better than this, and they both waited for the wedding to kiss.

  34. 34
    dad December 15, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    My dog gives better kisses than that.
    If one were to check the geneology of that couple it would probably show they were descendants of a praying mantis. Those people are skewing the curve of where humans belong on the food chain.

    They have, however, provided a hilarious, if not mildly sickening performance.
    When I retire, I may make my fortune giving kissing lessons…or at least rent out our dog.

  35. 35
    Amma Always December 15, 2011 at 7:00 pm #

    Ok, these people are giving virgins a bad name. WE were all virgins once – long, long ago on a planet far, far away, and did any of us kiss like that? No, I’m betting not. What this show is about is BAD KISSERS!

  36. 36
    Stimey December 15, 2011 at 7:00 pm #

    I love every sentence of this post.

  37. 37
    addy December 15, 2011 at 7:01 pm #

    Yaa ….. no.

  38. 38
    Dacia December 15, 2011 at 7:37 pm #

    I had to share this one with my social network of choice, because – wow. Just… Yeah.

    Also, I hear where you’re coming from on the Talking about Sex and ADULTS, COMMITTMENT, BIG DEAL and all. I’m totally with you on that.

    Sex, for sure. That’s a no-brainer.

    Kissing? Probably it’s ok to not wait on that one. People practice dancing before they get married… I think a kiss or two at least before that point is reasonable. Certainly after watching this.

    Lastly, this:
    Her: Why… why… they just… I AM EMBARRASSED FOR THEM.
    Me: THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.

  39. 39
    Jessica December 15, 2011 at 7:55 pm #

    I can’t even…I mean…do they think THAT is French kissing? Maybe they should have saved that type of kissing for a private moment and just do the peck thing that most people do (close-mouthed) when they get married. I mean, I’m married and I still don’t French kiss my husband in front of others. I plain-old kiss him, sure, but…wow. This is all said as someone who was a virgin when she got married (by choice), but man, I had definitely kissed people (including my husband) before I got married. Do you think they were told by the producers or something to go for a big, ol’ French kiss or something? And then they just decided to wing it when the time came? Because…that’s just…that’s just wrong.

    That said, I did once have a boyfriend who kissed like a … I don’t know what. A dog? Like a dog lapping water out of a bowl. That was really…disturbing. We didn’t date long either, of course.

  40. 40
    Sassy Apple December 15, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

    Well, I guess that explains the phrase, ‘sucking face.’ :)

  41. 41
    Sheila December 15, 2011 at 10:26 pm #

    I wonder how many times their teeth clacked together in the hours and days following the wedding? Ouch.

  42. 42
    Leanner December 15, 2011 at 10:34 pm #

    Ok, just. WOW! There are NO WORDS. Except yours of course. And this is coming from a virgin, til almost marriage ( may my dad rest in piece ), who was Matron of Honor at my sister’s wedding. They had not even peck kissed until after their vows. They did a respectable job, by the way. But these people, I may save this for my boys, 8 & 5, as a What Not To Do. 8 yo. has his eyes on the pastor’s daughter, has since he was a toddler, & my 5 yo. Aspie says he’s never getting married and living with us, FOREVER. But I say, can’t be too careful, and I know I never want to wittness something like this again especially by my children.

    I am wondering how my TLC radar missed this show though, darn.

  43. 43
    Mya Maternity December 15, 2011 at 11:32 pm #

    That is too funny. I can’t stop laughing!

  44. 44
    Lauren December 16, 2011 at 12:59 am #

    Is anyone else feeling sorry for them on their wedding night? I know that the first time isn’t anything to brag about for most people, but if this was any indication, their’s was a nightmare.

  45. 45
    mamaspeak December 16, 2011 at 4:08 am #

    I have not watched the clip. I’ve heard quite a bit about it & bc I enjoy using my eyeballs (and don’t want the corneas to fall out or something,) I’m not planning on watch it. I’m one of those people who also hates the whole prelim on American Idol, when they show all the people who are painfully bad. Not of fan of the embarrassment of others. BUT, I do wonder if they got paid for this? I also wonder if anyone SAID anything to them. I know my mom would’ve said something to me, wedding day or not. THAT conversation I would love to be the fly on the wall about. I will be saving a version of this to scare my girls off kissing for a period of time tho. ;-)

  46. 46
    Holly December 16, 2011 at 8:19 am #

    For the record, virgin on my wedding night. My husband, too. And guess what- sex is a natural thing, something very, very easy to figure out. But yes, this kiss is giving virgins everywhere a bad name. Trust me, I didn’t film my first kiss, but I don’t think it looked like that at all.

  47. 47
    Brigitte December 16, 2011 at 8:32 am #

    I thought it was extra-funny that even front-row attendees (I’m assuming a dad?) had to do an embarrassed face-plant.

  48. 48
    Em December 16, 2011 at 10:13 am #

    Nom Nom Nom

  49. 49
    Leslie December 17, 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    OMG I watched this too and was completely hysterical, just short of rolling around on the floor in front of the TV…..It was like watching a train wreck, I wanted to look away but I JUST COULD NOT.

  50. 50
    Trish December 18, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

    I may have to go buy a TV and order cable just to watch this trainwreck. I’ve seen my cat hacking up a hairball more romantically than that kiss! Wowzers!

  51. 51
    Trish December 18, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

    PS Thanks for sharing this, Mir. I now know what I’m doing over Christmas break! :)

  52. 52
    Liza December 19, 2011 at 11:48 am #

    Otto, the idea that Lowes pulled advertising from American Muslims but is supporting this says a frightening amount about Lowes’ ideology. Not that HD is much better. Maybe there’s a nice neighborhood hardware store in a 20 mile radius?

    I know what I’m doing over break! It reminds me of the other TLC cringefest, Sister Wives.

    And a big Thank You to my 7th and 9th grade boyfriends, both named David, for making sure that my most awkward and cringeworthy moments were age appropriate.

  53. 53
    Lylah December 19, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

    Oh… I kind of wish I could un-see that….

  54. 54
    Anna December 20, 2011 at 12:13 am #

    See, this is why you’re supposed to have your first kiss in those awkward teenage years. Teenagers = awkward. Thirty-somethings DO NOT equal awkward. Yeesh.

  55. 55
    Ingrid December 20, 2011 at 10:26 am #

    That was horrible to watch. Truly horrible.

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