You guys. I… I can’t even. Because words fail.
A couple of weeks ago someone posted this on Facebook, and I watched it with a mix of horror and delight. Because LOOK:
And I made Otto watch it, too. And Otto said, “No. YOU ARE NOT WATCHING THAT WHEN IT COMES ON TV.” And I argued, and he kept saying no, and then last night I was channel-surfing and it was on and he was upstairs, so I watched it. With Chickadee.
Now, maybe it wasn’t a great idea to watch it with her in the room, largely because what teenager wants to hear her mother alternately shrieking with laughter and choking with squicked-out embarrassment on behalf of people who have no idea that their Speshul Romantic Moment looks a lot like a mama bird regurgitating worms for her young? But I found it and was transfixed, and Chickie was sitting there copying over some homework, so we watched it together.
Y’all, I’m pretty open with the kids about sex and everything. And I’m… you know, pretty liberal and all… but I do believe that sex is Serious Stuff. Part of my standard repertoire is the caution that sex is a Big Deal Indeed, something to be shared between ADULTS who have LOVE and COMMITMENT to each other, etc. I think these are important messages to communicate to humans I’m raising.
But. God. If ever there was something that made me want to grab my child and scream, “PLEASE HAVE SEX! BEFORE YOU’RE 30 AND WEIRD AND ON THIS HORRIFYING TLC SHOW! JUST DO IT!” it was this show.
Chickadee was mostly keeping her eyes on her notebook, but every now and then something would either catch her attention on the screen or she’d hear me gargling back astonishment and look up again. The whole show was… such a trainwreck of epic proportions. It was MAGICAL.
Actual conversation I had with my teenager during this viewing, proving once and for all that parenting IS actually fun:
Me: Oh God. It’s about to happen. You have to watch this.
Her: Uh, they’re not going to show actual sex, are they?
Me: Ha! No! Look, remember that video I sent to Miss Joshilyn, the one where you asked me what I was talking about with her? It was this. It was these two people who’ve never even kissed before, getting married and then kissing. It’s horrifying. You have to watch.
Her: I’m not sure I would know the difference. I mean, I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to be like.
Me: Oh, honey. TRUST ME. Just watch.
*the regurgitating-and-biting-each-other bird-faced kisses commence*
Me: *breathless from laughter and tears*
Her: Oh. WOW.
Me: I KNOW!
Her: HOW OLD are they?
Me: 30, I think.
Her: Uh, I’m 13 and I’ve never kissed anyone and even I know that’s just WRONG.
Me: OH GOD, they’re going to show it AGAIN!
*the kiss is replayed while we both shriek and cover our faces*
Her: Why… why… they just… I AM EMBARRASSED FOR THEM.
Me: THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.
Her: Mom, I think you’re enjoying this a little too much.
Her: I’m beginning to understand why Otto didn’t want you to watch this. This is almost physically painful.
Her: I’m not in any hurry, you know, but I think this makes it clear that waiting to kiss someone until you’re married is… probably not a good idea.
Me: I concur. Also? Their wedding night consummation is going to last about three seconds and be the most awkward thing in the world. Too bad they can’t show THAT.
Me: You love having me for a mother.
Otto came downstairs in the final minutes and Chickadee and I both froze up like deer in the headlights and insisted we weren’t doing anything. Because honesty is important, but not when it comes to seeing the final awkward moments of a show this awesome.