Hey, remember back when a group of us got together and started Five Full Plates and vowed to lose weight and exercise more and clean up our homes and face our fears and generally become better, smarter, faster, and thinner than ever before?
That was fun. During the challenges we put ourselves through there, I got a ton of crap done—and I also lost 10 pounds. I felt GREAT.
A year and a half later, I seem to have… gained most of it back. Not all of it—most of my “victory clothing” purchases still fit—but enough that I just feel gross. And as I discussed ad nauseum over on FFP back in the day, as someone who was stick skinny until about 35 or so, this whole “dieting” and “being healthy” thing remains kind of a mystery to me. I mean, in general I eat very healthy foods. But I also suck at any kind of moderation, and even if I’m eating healthy, overindulgence is still a problem. Also a problem: Ice cream. And popcorn with real butter. (Mmmmm… butter.)
So it was clearly time to Do Something.
A smarter person would go back to the measured eating plan and regular exercise that trimmed me down back during our fitness challenge. After all, that worked. But 1) I am not very smart and 2) I often need to go extremes to actually commit to change.
The thing is, if I just modify my eating to be “healthier,” I’ll backslide almost immediately. I’ll have “just a little” of something I shouldn’t. But whenever I adopt some completely crazy but short-term restrictive diet, I completely stick to it because I know it’s temporary and it feels like a bigger challenge. Or maybe just because I’m not right in the head. I’m fuzzy on the details.
Regardless! Have you heard of the GM Diet? Back in the day it was called the Cabbage Soup Diet or the Dolly Parton Diet. (Spoiler: This diet isn’t giving me giant knockers. Oh well.) This diet is COMPLETELY CRAZY, but only for one week! And I can do anything for a week, I figure. Especially with fellow crazy people—a bunch of us DealPros are doing it together, which means we all gather on chat and lament how hungry we are for moral support.
Basically you make a giant batch of a cabbage soup that isn’t too awful but isn’t exactly goat cheese pizza, either, and you can have the soup along with specified foods each day. Day one is only fruits. Day two is only veggies. I’m currently on day three, which is both fruits and veggies. Tomorrow, day four, I can have up to eight bananas! And three glasses of milk! Lucky me. (Extra special bonus: We’re having a friend over for dinner tomorrow. Otto is cooking, and they’ll be having a delicious dinner. I’ll be crying into my bananas and milk.)
The good news is that in two days I dropped five pounds, but the bad news is that it’s all water and maybe a few extra calories I burned off running back and forth to the bathroom. Because you also have to drink a butt-ton of water on this diet, and all I do anymore is go pee. All day long.
Last night I had to get up to pee TWICE, and I normally don’t get up in the night at all, but I know when I last got up twice to pee—it was while I was pregnant with Monkey.
All the peeing clearly invaded my brain in unexpected ways, too, because between the trip at 1:30 and the one at 5:00, I dreamt I had a bladder infection and was spending all my time in the bathroom. Fun! Then I woke up and had to pee and was—in my half-awake state—worried maybe I had a bladder infection for real. But no. I just have to pee a lot.
(I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “pee” so many times in a single post. You’re welcome.)
The other bit of fun on this plan is that I’ve been vaguely aware of some mild food allergies of mine that have never really been a problem. Some fruits make my mouth itch, for example. But I spent a whole day eating fruit and by evening I was covered in hives. Itchy! Oh, I thought, that must’ve been the cantaloupe I ate. Thank goodness tomorrow is veggies! Well, that next day (yesterday) I ate only veggies and… by evening I was covered in hives.
Maybe I will rename it the Constantly Peeing And Taking Benadryl Diet.
My plan is to finish out the week (preferably without punching anyone in the face, but I make no promises) and then, having broken the inevitable sugar-cravings I normally have, go back on a more moderate South-Beach-y eating plan. Because after this week, any sort of regular eating plan is going to feel like heaven.
In the meantime, however, I would happily sell my children for a Big Mac and french fries. Just sayin’.