Archive | January, 2011

Gore-met!

by Mir on January 31, 2011 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I know a few people who think I’m a fantastic cook. Those people should put down the crack pipe. Somewhat similarly, I seem to know a lot of people who think cooking is “hard.” Personally, I tend to believe in my mother’s oft-repeated adage, which is that if you can read, you can cook. Improvising on recipes is something different, of course, but even that comes with practice, I think.

The thing about me and cooking is that 1) I like to cook (because I like to eat, duh) and 2) I do it a lot. This is one of those areas where I believe “practice makes perfect” isn’t quite correct, but “practice makes you pretty good” certainly is.

I am not a fabulous cook. I am a pretty good cook; I am an experienced cook; and—perhaps most importantly—I am an unafraid cook. That’s all it is, really. I’m willing to try new stuff, and most of the time it works out.

Not always, though. Ahem. (more…)

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The good ol’ days were frightening

by Mir on January 29, 2011 in I'm dating the television

I know it seems like I’m starting this out with a digression, but I promise it’s related: Recently someone suggested a girls’ night out to me, and asked me what I’d like to go do, and I had to explain that it has been SO LONG since I left the house purely for fun and without my children, I could probably go sit at Taco Bell and watch people consume their not-beef tacos and find that totally entertaining. (Oddly enough, I haven’t heard back since I shared that little tidbit. Huh.)

The thing of it is, I’m kind of a homebody, and most of the time I’m very easily entertained. I watch a lot of television. Probably too much television, quite honestly, but I find it soothing and mindless and a good way to unwind after a day of working and child-wrangling.

Okay. All of that is preface to explaining that ZOMG THE ROKU IS THE BEST THING EVER. I was already dangerously dependent on the television before we got the Roku, but now, man, NETFLIX STREAMING. Our typical Netflix M.O. is to receive a disc in the mail and then bicker over WHO put THAT in the queue, and then we leave the disc sitting next to the television for four months before we finally concede defeat and send it back in for the next disc we won’t watch. But we use the live streaming all the time. Which means we are simultaneously reliving our glory days AND finally catching up on modern pop culture. (more…)

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Love uses markers and crayons

by Mir on January 27, 2011 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony

It would not be an exaggeration to say that Monkey is not exactly the most popular kid in his class. He has his BFF, and a couple of other kids he likes, and then on a good day, he tolerates everyone else. (On a medium day, he doesn’t acknowledge anyone else’s existence, and on a bad day, he gets himself punched in the face.)

Monkey’s teachers, however, tend to adore him. We’ve been inundated with emails and phone calls throughout all of this, and both his parapro and his homeroom teacher have already paid him post-surgical visits. (This is why I bake cookies, y’all. Because I can’t afford to buy then all the pink, sparkly ponies they deserve.)

Perhaps you can imagine my surprise when his teacher showed up with a stack of homemade “get well” cards the class had made for Monkey. It was sweet of her to think to have the kids do it, but I was completely blown away by the cards themselves. “They’ve all been very concerned about him,” she said to me. Which was when I realized I had seriously underestimated the empathy of the average 5th grader. (more…)

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Pro tip for your next IEP meeting

by Mir on January 26, 2011 in Aspi(e)rations, Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

I’m not saying I have it all figured out, nor am I claiming I came up with this—it was suggested to me, last year, and I’ve been doing it ever since—but what I AM saying is that if you have a kid on an IEP and you have meetings to attend, the single most important thing you can do in preparation for those meetings is to BAKE SOMETHING.

I’m not the world’s greatest baker. Not by a long shot. You don’t have to be. Just bake something delicious. And then bring it with you while it’s still warm.

Why? It’s very simple:
1) Low blood sugar makes people grumpy,
and
2) It turns out that it’s pretty hard to say “no” to someone when you’re eating the cookies she baked for you.

(Bonus, but not required: Bake something totally decadent that you yourself can’t even eat due to wheat intolerance! Cheaper and easier than having “SELFLESS” tattooed on your forehead!)

I’m just sayin’.

And hey, TOTALLY UNRELATED: Monkey’s homebound services start this week, and they’re sending… his favorite teacher. Huh.

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We call that a lesson learned

by Mir on January 25, 2011 in Aspi(e)rations, Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Things have been going along pretty well, post-Monkey-carving. Some might even say TOO well. (Please cue up the foreboding music of your choice right here. I’ll wait.) Despite my fears that post-surgical Monkey would be a giant ball of pain and anguish and HULK ANGRY HULK SMASH misguided energy, for the most part, post-surgical Monkey has been calm and agreeable and positively robot-like in his apparent inability to recognize that he might be in any pain at all, most of the time.

In fact, I was just reading Jean’s post about Jack’s recent dental work and laughing that slightly hysterical “Oh God I’ve been there” laugh that one does when having a there-but-for-the-grace-of-God moment. Because that’s kind of what I expected, this week, was a neverending MAKE IT STOP thrashing from my son. But no. He’s been perfectly fine. The model patient. Particularly if your patient is evidently impervious to pain.

We were thrilled. We were also, it turns out, perfectly positioned for a giant hubris smackdown. And as these things tend to go, I was completely unprepared even though afterward it was CRYSTAL CLEAR exactly what had happened. (more…)

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Day 4: Hey, I have another kid, too!

by Mir on January 24, 2011 in Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Monkey’s recovery continues apace. Yesterday was briefly a bit rough—he woke up in pain, pain bad enough for him to recognize—but with enough drugs TLC we were able to smooth things out and have a pretty uneventful day. By bedtime he was looking kind of ragged again, though, and as I gave him his last dose of pain meds I said, “How ya doing, buddy?” and he crawled into bed saying, “Not so good, actually.”

So either I’ve already made him into a full-fledged drug addict who doesn’t deal well with the monkey on his back (ha! a monkey on Monkey’s back!), or it turns out that having a bunch of stuff cut out of your throat/head really hurts. WHO KNEW?

By the way, THANK YOU to everyone who warned me that post-surgical stench-breath was a possibility. I am pretty sure they took out his tonsils and adenoids and replaced them with a mixture of burnt toast and rancid cheese. Lord almighty. And of course all he wants to do is curl up with me and rest, so let’s just say this week I’m learning more about the strength of a mother’s love than I ever thought I would. Monkey’s had a couple of visitors and I’ve struggled with whether to warn them and/or pass out gas masks or just pretend like we haven’t noticed. I had to settle for casting severe looks at the dog and saying, “LICORICE!” in an embarrassed voice, then explaining that I am so sorry, but she seems to have an intestinal disturbance. I think it worked. (more…)

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Just say yes to drugs, kids

by Mir on January 22, 2011 in Aspi(e)rations, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I continue to be shocked and amazed by this child of mine. Years ago, when Monkey started orthodontia, his sensory issues were such that he gave up food and drink for about a week because it hurt and he is stubborn. So I was ready—as ready as I could be, anyway—for this weekend to be utter hell.

It almost feels like I shouldn’t say it out loud (lest I jinx it), but so far… so good.

It’s kind of a study in the weirdness of his brain, really. We always say he either feels things way more or way less than a neurotypical person, but then, of course, the last few months of hell were (we assume) a result of him not recognizing that Hey!, he was really quite sick, and instead of laying down and drinking juice and whining like a normal kid, he continued insisting he was fine but periodically, you know, punching people.

So it’s not that I didn’t know he might not process his post-surgical pain quite the way we might expect, but still, I’ve been completely astonished. (more…)

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Post-op report

by Mir on January 21, 2011 in Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

The surgery was quick and his initial confusion and anger afterward was mercifully short-lived. He’s talking, drinking, and absolutely loving that he can play as much Nintendo as he wants.

(Puppy says he just LOVES Pokemon Ranger, and also that tonsils and adenoids and tubes are stupid. Now get him some more apple juice!)

We’ll go home in a few hours. I already feel better.

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Love gets ready

by Mir on January 20, 2011 in Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

You may have noticed things are a bit… sparse… around here, lately. Ahem. There’s only so many times and so many ways I can write “My child has LOST HIS FOOL MIND and life is WEARING ME DOWN” before I just back away from the computer and curl up in the corner for a while.

There have been good days and bad days. Rather than building up a thicker skin and greater patience, I find that my ability to deal gracefully with Monkey’s rough periods is eroding. This has been dragging on for months, now, and my reaction when he’s busy morphing into Angry Delusional Hulkboy starts with about a nanosecond of “oh poor baby must be feeling really rotten” and quickly shifts to “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU PLEASE JUST CHILL OUT.” I mean, I would love to tell you that I am a steady pinnacle of love and gentle support, but the reality is that sometimes it feels like a good day if I don’t resort to pelting him with Advil and barking through clenched teeth that no one likes being sick, but not everyone has to be a complete jerk when they are.

It’s wearing on the whole family. That’s the truth of it. Not only is that not terribly entertaining, it’s downright depressing most of the time. So. (more…)

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Tonsils and adenoids and tubes, oh my!

by Mir on January 18, 2011 in Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Me, upon hearing that we are finally going to DO SOMETHING to rid Monkey of this insidious plague of yuck: Oh, THANK GOD.

Monkey, upon hearing that he will be relieved of a few extra parts: Great, why don’t you just remove ALL of my organs! Apparently you think I’m not USING THEM or anything!

(Yes, Monkey is furious with me. I can live with that.)

(Friday. Life begins again on Friday, I hope.)

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