September 18, 2008 | Ottomatic For the People

I’m still sick and pitiful, so this will be a quick one, but it’s one that I’ve been meaning to write about for a while.

Long ago—before we were engaged, even, I think—one time Otto was visiting us for the weekend and Chickadee was flitting around with a bunch of craft supplies and stuck a butterfly sticker on his shirt. She thought this was hilarious. Because, it was a sparkly butterfly! On a great big MAN! SO FUNNY!

I expected Otto to dispose of the sticker at his earliest convenience, though he humored her at the time by thanking her rather elaborately for the nice gift. This made her laugh even more, of course. (more…)

September 17, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Job? Huh?

The good news is that last night’s soiree was a fun, fun time and the food was AMAZING. No, I’m not being braggy—I didn’t cook. I didn’t do anything, actually. This event was a work thing and so it was completely planned out by People Who Are Not Me and also possibly magical wood elves who sprinkled fairy dust everywhere, because I can guarantee you that if I had been the one planning it, we would’ve had a bottle of wine and a bowl of pretzels and someone would’ve been in tears at the end. Probably me. But no, because this was a Fancy To Do, a catering team swooped in and set up an entire kitchen IN MY GARAGE and promptly cooked up enough food for an army of people who are hoping to die with clogged arteries and smiles on their faces.

The bad news is that I am so ill I’m just a whiny, blubbery mess. You know how sometimes you can’t be sick? Like, say, when you’re throwing a big party at your house? And so you take a bunch of cold medicine and put on your happy face and actually have a great time, but then everyone leaves and you fall all to pieces and can’t sleep because you feel so miserable? (more…)

September 16, 2008 | Health is overrated, Retail Therapy

Because I’m doing an event for a client tonight, I have OF COURSE come down with a case of the creeping crud. Naturally. Because I am me. And I can’t even blame it on the kids, because neither of them are sick. Although they’re very sympathetic, each in their own way.

Monkey: Oh, Mama, are you not feeling well? Here, I’ll hug you and make you ALL BETTER!
Chickadee: Um, Mom? Gross, I think your nose just dripped on your shirt.

Feel the love, people. But then please, for your own safety, use some disinfectant afterward.

Anyway, I am dragging myself around the house this morning, aided by the miracle of Sudafed, which has stopped my nose from dripping on my shirt, at least, but has turned my brain to squishy goo. I am just thinking verrrrrry sloooooowwwwwwwly. (more…)

September 15, 2008 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I don’t want to alarm anyone—particularly fellow mothers to young girls—but this whole puberty thing? Does not wait until high school. I mean, if it had any manners it certainly WOULD wait until high school, so that our daughters would already be refusing to talk to us about anything, but no.

“Well, how old were YOU when you started… changing?” asked a friend, in response to my detailing recent events in our house.

“I don’t know!” I huffed. “I HAVE COMPLETELY BLOCKED OUT THOSE YEARS!” And it’s true. I have one vivid memory of pestering my mother, repeatedly, that I wanted to shave my legs. I am descended from hairy Eastern Europeans, people. We are blessed with milky white skin and ebony PELTS. Not a fabulous combination at the pool in the summer. So I pestered, and pestered, and finally my mother agreed to buy me some depilatory. (more…)

September 13, 2008 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I have this bad habit of jumping to conclusions. It’s just that the HOPEFULNESS that lives within me—occupying not a very large area, even, like maybe only a pinky fingernail’s worth—is somewhat exuberant. It’s all “Dude! HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?” And it doesn’t matter if the good news has actually, honest and for true, ARRIVED. This can occasionally be a problem.

Case in point: I went out to run a bajillion errands today. Ever since gas went up to whatever it is now (I’m driving on fumes and refusing to even look at gas station signs, and by the way HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?), I no longer run an errand every other day or so, the way I used to. Now I save ‘em all up whenever possible, because that’s more economical or something. Anyway, I had a whole list of things I HAD to do. Drop off library books, return some stuff to Kohls. Stuff like that. (more…)

September 12, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I’m please to report that it’s so far, so good on Monkey’s new and improved braces. They haven’t popped a wire even once, which is a new record. Now instead of being angry that they keep falling apart, I can focus on being angry that the first wire wasn’t properly installed. Yay!

Additionally, I’m sure you’re all dying to know that yesterday’s contestant for Are You Smarter Than a 3rd Grader? was not, in fact, smarter than a 3rd grader—but lucky for her, Monkey knew that of the Ohio, Hudson, Savannah, and Rio Grande, it’s the Savannah which is not a major river. Was he pleased about saving the day? Well, maybe a little, but mostly he was VERY MIFFED that he was not asked about the branches of the government.

I have to run over to school to do some PTA stuff, but an update on this situation is forthcoming, I promise, because as usual, NONE of you pretty people have strong opinions or anything….

September 11, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

This morning I am off to the 3rd grade breakfast, where one Monkeypants McGee will be part of “Are You Smarter Than a 3rd Grader?” Only one kid was picked from each class, so naturally we’re very proud and can’t wait to see him smoke a few of the other parents.

Last night we were going over practice questions, and he kept having trouble with the branches of the U.S. government and types of rocks. He kept insisting the government was made up of the Executive, Jubilant, and Legislative branches. Which was sort of adorable. (But wrong. The beatings helped, though.)

Finally, we were just about done, and I said, “Oh, by the way, Monkey… WHAT ARE THE THREE BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT?”

He straightened right up and proudly declared: (more…)

September 10, 2008 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

So, um, remember how Monkey got his braces on and a wire kept popping off? I’d already taken him back to the orthodontist to have them fixed the very DAY they were put on, then the next day they were closed and I had to fix them myself, and then for a couple of days they were okay.

That, of course, was followed by the Carnival Of The Wire Popping. The wire would pop off at least once a day. Sometimes twice! And because I actually have a few other things to do in this world besides remembering to call the orthodontist or spend the kids’ entire college fund on gasoline to keep trucking over there, somehow a week went by before I actually called them.

During that week, I had to drive to school to perform emergency wire surgery twice. Because I’m a orthodontist. Oh, wait. NO I’M NOT. And I’ll admit it—I was slightly cowed by the ortho’s assertion, at the first “fixing” appointment, that they were installed properly and Monkey just needed to stop messing with them. (more…)

September 9, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

For years and years and years (apparently; remember, this is only our second year here) the kids’ school has done a Fall Fundraiser which primarily involves selling wrapping paper. Should you feel that you’ve reached your quota of overpriced wrapping paper, there are also crappy overpriced snacks. And things like baking mixes tied up with pretty bows that say, “Hahaha, sucker, you just forked over a 5000% markup on white flour.”

(I am not really a fan of this particular mode of fund raising. I’m sure you couldn’t tell.)

Last year—our first year here—apparently our PTA had been taken over by “the only people who cared” after some sort of kerfluffle at the end of the previous year. This small group… um, allow me to be southern here and preface this with “Bless their hearts,” managed to run things for a year, but I suspect their hearts really weren’t in it, and I’m just guessing, here, based upon how nearly every discussion started with one of them saying, “Well no one else was willing to handle this, so we’re doing it,” and the fact that all of them moved out of district at the end of the year. (more…)

September 8, 2008 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Health is overrated

I began menopause unceremoniously at the tender young age of 33, thanks to a total hysterectomy. (Sorry for the rhyme, there; I tend to get all poetic when we chat about my uterus.) After having spent the majority of my lifetime at the mercy of everything that can possibly go wrong with those stupid organs (endometriosis! adenomyosis! infertility! ruptured ovarian cysts! hypermenorrhea, and I hope you’re not eating if you click on that link!), I was not one of those women who approached the surgical suite weeping for the loss of my womanhood, or anything like that. I believe the last words I said to my doctor before the anesthesiologist put me under were “Take it all out and don’t look back.”

I was ready, is my point. (I’ll take menopause for $200, please, Alex! What is The Lesser of Two Evils? YESSSSSSSSSS!)

And I’ve dealt with the fact that my internal thermostat is now permanently broken and I am always too hot, and I’ve dealt with the reality that unless I go on an all-calcium diet I’m a very likely candidate for osteoporosis, I’ve been through a breast cancer scare and the associated suggestion that I might have to stop taking hormones. But the thing that continues to drive me absolutely bananas is the insanity surrounding BUYING my estrogen. (more…)