Comments on: The whole sordid tale

By: Woulda Coulda Shoulda » Small signs

Woulda Coulda Shoulda » Small signs — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 00:26:18 +0000

[...] “Listen,” I said, “You need to get yourself together or we are not going to the library.” At this point I noticed the listening grandmother still observing, and I flushed with embarrassment that I was having this conversation in public. And then I simultaneously realized I’d said the wrong thing. “Wait. No. I am not having a repeat of last week. You need to get yourself together or we ARE going to the library, but Monkey can turn in his chart and get his prizes, but YOU will not be allowed to turn in yours.” Her eyes went wide for just a second, then her french fries became very interesting. She was silent, at least. [...]

By: Overflowing Brain

Overflowing Brain — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 23:48:48 +0000

If you spoke with my father today he would tell you that your daughter is me, 15 years ago. And after reading that I just want to applaud you because while that had to be such a difficult decision, it was such a great one. I only became the adult I am and got in control of my emotions because of good parenting. And I have every reason to think that your daughter will turn out just fine.

Good for you. I’m remarkably impressed and while I hope I never have to be in that situation, I do hope I’d handle it as well as you did.

By: Catootes

Catootes — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 11:36:45 +0000

I believe what will come through in the end is the talking and staying connected. We all overcompensate with our kids when times are bad, but if dialogue continues and consequences reinforced, they come through the other side as better people. It’s hard holding that line as a parent but you do the best you can. Your best seems pretty damn good from where I’m sitting and reading. Hang tough, Chickadee and Monkey have a solid Mom.

By: Lisse

Lisse — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 21:24:41 +0000

I’m very impressed, not only with you and your quick thinking, but with the impact it appeared to have on Chickadee.

I’ll be interested to see if the tantrums diminish somewhat. I too have a child that is, shall we say, hypersensitive with poor reactions. It is sometimes very difficult to distinguish when he is reacting to his surroundings and when he is just being a brat for the attention it gets him.

We struggle sometimes for meaningful consequences. It is both sad and satisfying when we have to change our plans in order to follow through on something that might finally have an impact.

By: Zukppr

Zukppr — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 20:51:48 +0000

{{{Mir}}} I too have had one of those ‘broken’ moments. It happened a few months ago. “I can’t ever trust you again” were the words which flew out of my mouth. For all of her live I’d told her that ‘words have power’ and ‘ you can’t take them back’. I was hurt and angry. We’ve since had conversations about ‘that’ moment and she understand a lot better about the power of speech. We’re rebuilding and I trust we’ll be ok. Adolescence has begun so we’re headed into some potentially choppy water. I have faith we’ll be ok, and maybe even better than before.

You made the right choice. Sometimes it’s hard to be the grownup. {{{}}}

By: Laura

Laura — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 19:18:13 +0000

God, you are the mother I hope to one day be. I have two boys, 4 and 1 and I wonder how I am going to deal with their meltdowns and the bigger things when they get older. The way you handled the whole situation was just amazing. Thank you for opening yourself up and posting this, it was affirming.

By: KD @ A Bit Squirrelly

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:37:08 +0000

Deb from Bird on a wire directed me to this post and I needed it today. We are really dtruggling with our five (almost six) year old daughter. Thanks so much for your honest insight. I hope to visit you blog again!

By: Deb@Bird On A Wire

Deb@Bird On A Wire — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 16:54:59 +0000

Mir, while you haven’t a clue who I am, I am you 20 or so years ago. What you and Otto did and how you did it deserve such great praise. While as teens, we were all affected and effected by hormonal spikes and some of us continue to be, its not always the good/right thing to let them play out in such a way that it totally effects everyone concerned. As well, you know, through your family counseling sessions that some acting out is to be expected. But, when you hold your line in such a loving manner, your children learn to respect boundaries. And like you said learn that their actions have consequences, and effects beyond themselves. As parents, I think you and Otto deserve big huggles. Chickie will continue with some outbursts, its almost always normal, as will Monkey (yeah boys go through it too), but they will grow as humans, and in a household with such love and kindness and true discipline, they’ll come out alright.
By the way, the broken feelings will heal too…don’t worry, its just changes in the views.

Deb

By: Takhara

Takhara — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 14:35:22 +0000

You made a decision and enforced it amongst very difficult circumstances. That took intestinal fortitude and I admire you for that. Sometimes that is the best way to show someone you love him/her.

By: dallimomma

dallimomma — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 14:22:48 +0000

You don’t know me so you have no reason to believe what I’m about to tell you so I’ll just say it for what it is; my story. I have a daughter who is now 21 years old. When she was young (starting with the pre-teen years), she felt much the same way that I imagine Chickadee feels and acted accordingly. Your story is just a page out of what we experienced with her. As a little background, her dad was an addict/alcoholic, left us, died of an overdose, I remarried a really nice man much to her dismay, her picture was beside the word “rebellion” in the dictionary for several years. Fast-forward to today. She is a young, single mom starting college in a few weeks, living on her own and taking excellent care of her daughter. She has told me on more than one occasion some variation of this speech. “Thank you for not letting me get away with anything. Thank you for being consistant, even when I was unbearable. I’m sorry for all the crap I put you through, all the things I’ve said to you and Husband. I didn’t mean any of it.” She will tell anyone who asks that she needed every bit of training and discipline that I dished out and, while she strained at the restraints, it made her feel safe and cared for when she felt so out of control inside.
All this to say, it may get worse before it gets better; hormones are your enemy. But the chances that it WILL get better if you continue to hold the line, make your expectations clear to her and love her through it all are excellent. Yes, things are broken now. But not irreparable with God’s grace. I pray for His strength to be made perfect in your weakness.