My husband and my Kira just left for the airport, and try though I did to come up with some sort of viable diversion (“Um, someone stole both of our cars! And there is only one flight from Atlanta to Denver each month so I guess that’s that!”), in the end Kira opted to return home to her family rather than staying here with me forever. That bitch.
I love her to pieces. Just in case that wasn’t clear. You know, because I am so shy and hesitant to share my feelings. I do think Otto is a little relieved that the rampant and random declarations of love are going to cease. For some weird reason it’s okay with him if I spontaneously declare my love for HIM, but he seemed uncomfortable when I felt the need to turn to Kira and say “I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH.” I don’t know what his problem is. It’s probably because he wasn’t breastfed.
ANYWAY, as I mentioned before, it was a very busy weekend, and we were driving to the airport to get Kira and then driving out to Joshilyn’s for the 4th of July and then back here and then the kids left and really, it was just busy and exhausting. Which is probably how it came to be that last night we found ourselves just parked on the recliner couch watching horrible television.
There was a part of me that felt like this was a waste of precious time; with three years between visits, could I justify just sitting side by side on the couch, watching TV for hours on end? But the answer to that question, my Pretties, was easily answered with a resounding HELL YES because of one beautiful word: Bridezillas.
I… I… just a sec. I just have a little something in my eye.
There is no finer show on the airwaves for unadulterated guilty entertainment. I’m just telling you because I care and I want to share the love. And possibly the shame. Because we were tired, and flipping around, and came across the title on the guide and said, “Huh. Let’s check that out.” And before we knew it, we’d been watching Bridezillas FOR THREE HOURS.
And I have to tell you, Otto’s tolerance for craptastic television is MUCH lower than mine. The fact that this went on for so long and he didn’t get up and leave is VERY TELLING. It tells you that this was the horrible kind of mesmerizing television that is totally HILARIOUS.
Our first bride explains that she IS a princess and she will be treated as such. Her wedding day is ALL ABOUT HER and it’s her way or the highway.
“Highway, please!” said Kira.
“How do you suppose they GET these women, I mean find them, and then get their consent to be taped? I mean, do you think they tell them that they’re from a show called BRIDEZILLAS or do they say they’re making a documentary about weddings or what?” I asked her.
“I think,” said Kira, holding up a finger for emphasis, and putting on a very serious face indeed, “That they call them up and tell them that they are making a show about PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESSES and that they heard that SHE was the PRETTIEST PRINCESS OF THEM ALL. And then it goes from there.”
I had to agree. Kira is SMART.
Anyway, our first pretty pretty princess was not so much with the skinny. Which is FINE. We had no issues with her weight. But, see, she was having trouble getting into her wedding dress, because—as she said—it had just been Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s, and also because of the feed bag she had strapped to her snout. So then we get some footage of Lil Miss Princess explaining to the person behind the camera, “I don’t need to lose any weight, I’m just gonna get me a new dress. I don’t really like that one anymore, anyway. I’m just gonna make a sad face like this and my parents’ll buy me a new one.”
Well, the princess’ Mom said no and the Dad wavered a bit but said no, the Pretty Pretty Princess stamped her feet and told the camera that she was just gonna eat a bunch more until there was NO WAY she could POSSIBLY fit into that dress, and then they’d HAVE to buy her a new one.
(The new dress she wanted, by the way, cost $1000—easily one of the most expensive dresses they had in the strip mall store where they were shopping.)
It’s a trainwreck of the highest order, delicious and mesmerizing. When Pretty Pretty Princess finally figures out that her parents simply aren’t going to cave on the new dress, she pouts and whines and said “Well what about those purses I wanted? And those shoes?” Her mother gently tells her that she’s just looking for things to buy, now—what does she need three purses and four pairs of shoes for, anyway?
“WELL,” said Kira, “Clearly she needs one purse for her WAND!”
“And one for her FRIED CHICKEN,” I added (honestly, half the footage of this episode was of her bellied up to the trough, and while I know some of that is editing, it was hard to feel sorry for her while she was busy yelling at everyone and conniving to get her way)…
… “And one for her FATHER’S TESTICLES,” finished up Otto, as the on-screen dad told the mom, once again, that it’s “HER SPECIAL DAY” and she should “have what she wants.”
I have never loved Otto more than I did in that moment. I suspect Kira might be able to say the same.
Anyway, maybe we should’ve spent more time just talking or taking in some of the local scenery (although, HELLO, drought state, thanks for raining for three solid days while I had a guest), but if we had, we would’ve missed Pretty Pretty Princess stabbing her fiance in the head with a pair of scissors because he took away her whistle. Or miss the couple that’s getting married AGAIN after having been married for several years and divorcing and getting back together. That couple featured a real-life Barbie doll with the twangy Jersey accent to go with her fake boobs and her blond extensions, but at least she had an Emo teenage daughter who constantly told her to shut up. Oh, and, we might’ve missed the couple where one of the bridesmaids explained that you know, the bride is great, she’s just a little nervous and all, plus it’s her first wedding and she really wants it to be special.
Granted, it’s surely because of our own situations, but that line right there was COMEDY GOLD to everyone in the room. You really want the FIRST WEDDING to be special, you know, so that years later when you actually marry the RIGHT PERSON you can look back and say, “Thank GOD I chewed my bridesmaids out constantly. That TOTALLY made that marriage worth it!”
All in all, it wasn’t a bad way to pass an evening. Though I might as well tell you that we only stopped watching because the marathon ended.
Kira stood at the door this morning, ready to depart, and we hugged and she announced that I have a lovely smile and a wonderful laugh and she loved that on THIS visit she got to see so much of both. “I have really loved seeing you HAPPY,” she concluded. I agreed with her, wholeheartedly, that I have also really enjoyed BEING happy, and then I apologized (again) for spending much of our first visit together lo those many years ago weeping into my wine. THIS visit there was no weeping, only a constant marveling at what a difference a few years make, how lucky both of us continue to be, and how great it is to truly know how blessed we are.
The fact that we were able to cap it off with a marathon of crazy people was just a side bonus.