June 8, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"
Tomorrow I shall tell you all about what I’m doing today (because it will be funnier after I’ve pulled a muscle or twelve, and BELIEVE YOU ME, that’s coming), but in the meantime I thought you might enjoy knowing what’s brought people ’round here lately. I often forget to check my stats and then when I do, I am invariably delighted to discover all of the reasons stranger stumble upon my little corner of the web.
(And by “delighted” I of course mean “alternately amused and horrified.”)
Shall we take a look? Let’s!
my son lost his two front teeth months ago
Ummmm… congratulations?
what to do when your face is numb
Step away from the Botox…?
bring outside food into movie theaters
Dude, people are extremely polarized over this issue, and I recommend you just walk away. Let it go.
im sorry for making you think i was fake
I’m sorry you don’t have any punctuation and are making important confessions to Google.
i want smooth feet
It’s good to have goals.
my married lover let me down after no contact for nearly a year
I’m not really sure what you’re looking for, here, but I’m gonna have to say that your first clue that he’s just not that in to you was the whole, you know, NOT CONTACTING YOU FOR A YEAR thing. Just a hunch.
barf bag crafts
Sounds fun, sicko!
divorse regret
That you didn’t wait until you finished 5th grade to get married…?
little black bugs that crawl on the ground and jump when you try to kill them
Those sound delightful. Perhaps you can incorporate them into a barf bag craft. I’m thinking maracas!
camel style
I guess it really does exist!
albuterol shaking spouse
Albuterol makes me a little goofy, but I try to save shaking Otto for important issues like when he drinks the last beer.
why do bees stay on the deck
Because they don’t know how to swim, so there’s not much point in going down to the pool. Duh.
WOW troll clipart
Yes, that IS exciting.
make your boobs grow minerals
Okay, I do OCCASIONALLY find a little bit of lint on one of mine, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t GROW there. All I can suggest is a couple of geodes inside a really supportive bra, I’m afraid.
June 8th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
It never ceases to amaze me some of the things people ask Google to find. Lately I’ve been getting a lot of hits from people trying to find out if Tinkerbell is a real person. “Lots” as in at least a dozen different IP addresses. Yes, Tink is real, and I’m pretty sure she uses minerals to grow her boobs.
June 8th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
WOW=world of warcraft. But your interpretation is way better.
June 8th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
this post is a little mind boggling for me.Oh well.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
June 8th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
The best one to my blog right now is “fun stuff to do in a home alone.” I’m not sure I want to know what they’re looking for. Also I seem to have a calendar thing going - 4 people got to me by searching “january”, 1 “october”, 2 “march”, 1 “september”, and 1 “christmas”.
June 8th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
This post made me ridiculously happy. Thank you, your snarkness.
June 8th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
The best ones I have gotten so far on mine are “midgets and puppies” which I reaaaally hope had innocent connotations. The other was “walking on dead fish”, which I can’t even think of anything to say about.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Too funny. I’ve never looked at the search engine results like this; it could be funny at Compost Happens.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Lou knows too much. :)
June 8th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I recently posted about my brazilian waxing experience, so you can just imagine the search hits I’ve been getting. Yeah.
June 8th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Wow, thank you for making me feel slightly more normal. The wildest Google search I’ve ever done has been for the lyrics to a song with the line, “gatos con queso” (it popped up within a page, funnily enough). BTW in case you’re wondering, it translates to “cats with cheese”. Yeh, I have no idea.
June 8th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I’m STILL laughing over “camel style.”
June 8th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Bwahahaha! Thanks for sharing. I’m still getting lots of Google hits from when a friend posted a joke link - in comments - to a website I will not rewrite here because I fear retribution for all the hits you’d get from it, too. You’re welcome.
P.S. We took a huge Costco-size bag of mini candy bars into the theater and I still have guilt.
June 8th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
LOLOLOL.
June 8th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
I’m going to look at my blog stats in a whole new way now.
June 8th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
I’ve got to look at my stats more closely!
June 9th, 2008 at 2:22 am
I totally found you through Google (though I can’t remember for the life of me what I was looking up at the time though). Whatever it was, it linked to your entry about Bratz dolls and those bobble-headed creatures with huge eyes. It brought tears of relief to my eyes to realize that a) there were mothers that didn’t approve of these freakish dolls and b) were actually not allowing their children to possess them.
June 9th, 2008 at 6:27 am
These are always good for a laugh (the barf-bag & bug maracas really got me), but it makes me feel a little self concious whenever I Google odd things! ;-)
June 9th, 2008 at 7:52 am
Boob minerals? Maybe that is what happens when you are breastfeeding and don’t shower.
Please, don’t think about that too hard.
June 9th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Divorse? LOL! Hasn’t s/he ever heard the Tammy Wynette song? I think I could spell D-I-V-O-R-C-E before I ever started school, thanks to the little blue transistor radio my mother kept in the kitchen window.
June 9th, 2008 at 8:53 am
But… WHY did your blog come up for boob minerals? Why??
June 9th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Hello. Can someone tell me how to check my blog stats? I am new at this blog thing and am trying to learn how to improve the traffic to my site. Thanks so much in advance.
June 9th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
You have quite a diverse array of hilarious Google searches– I guess that comes with increased traffic. I only have a handful of funny ones, and most of the rest just make me a little sad inside.
June 9th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Yours are better than mine. Wah!
June 9th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
I was in a community theater production a few years ago. One of my fellow cast members had a line about the possible end of his sister’s marriage. As he said it, the line went something like this: “You could always try divorus.”
He invented a whole syllable. Where he found it, I do not know. My current best guess is that he went shopping at the same store as mineral-making boob lady.
June 9th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
I take all kinds of things in my giant purse when I go to the theater, and I have no guilt. My favorite is bottles of cold milk, and Mrs.Field’s cookies.
June 9th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Hee hee! I love it! I don’t get to many searches like that yet, but I only have 35 posts so far. I’m sure it’s coming!
June 10th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Hilarious! I need some chuckles today. Thanks! :-)