February 6, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

So it turns out that when you spend your day catering to a very sick and pitiful child and also trying to work, by the end of the day you feel as though you’ve been up for a week. And then you review the day to consider what you could possibly write about, and once you rule out everything that has to do with a bucket or Lysol or the indignity of the Hallmark Channel claiming that Little House on the Prairie is on when REALLY it’s just another damn episode of The Waltons, there isn’t much else on your mind.

Um, let’s see. Oh! Our dishwasher started behaving strangely. And by “behaving strangely” I mean “leaving all of the dishes coated with a slimy grit that rather indicated it wasn’t actually cleaning anything.” First we tried running through a cycle with a cup of vinegar and that didn’t help at all. And then we started taking it apart. (more…)

February 5, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I had so many exciting things to tell you about today, like that the Great Scrabble Wars are alive and well (in case you were wondering, HOMEY is acceptable, but HOMEYLIT as the genre that results from rappers writing books is—for some reason—not) and that we’ve already nearly demolished the leftovers from the Super Bowl party, but I’m afraid that will all have to wait. My folks are getting ready to leave and head back up north this morning, and not a moment too soon.

(No, not because we want them gone. For their own safety.)

When my alarm went off this morning, I was in that place of deep, deep sleep where the alarm first incorporated itself into the dream I was having (I was in the university dining hall and my account was overdue, but I was REALLY HUNGRY) and then finally woke me, flailing and confused. (more…)

February 4, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I refuse to believe that my days of trash-talking the Giants and making fun of my father for being a Giants fan are to blame for the Patriots having screwed up royally last night. Hey, I’m not the one who let all those guys hit Tom Brady. Though I’d sort of like to hit Tom Brady, myself, now.

Preferably in the knees. With Bill Belichick. But whatever.

We have various “posters” (the kids spent half the afternoon making them) cheering on the Patriots all over the house, still, and the children—who went to bed at halftime—ate their breakfast in glum silence. “But they were WINNING when we went to BED!” they protested, as if perhaps the Patriots’ loss was a cruel joke I was playing on them. I put brownies in their lunch to ease the sting. (more…)

February 2, 2008 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Today we went on a wild, day-long adventure, which included going panning for gold. As we stood clustered around a trough, each swishing around our pans, Monkey jabbered a mile a minute and Chickadee complained a couple of times that the water was too cold, but in the end, each of us had successfully isolated a few flakes of gold, which was then placed into a vial we could keep.

The children were ecstatic. For about ten seconds. We then had to wait a bit before it was our turn to go on a tour of the mine, and for a moment I actually GOT SMART and went and bought the kids a snack to head off any potential problems. They munched happily and by the time it was our turn to tour, they were fine.

In fact, they were stellar. (more…)

February 1, 2008 | What do I do all day?

My father and stepmom go on a lot of really exciting vacations, you know. They’ve been to Africa on safari. Alaska. The Great Wall of China. The Mayan ruins. All sorts of places I may never get to go, but always each trip more exotic than the last.

(They tell me this is the advantage of working too hard all their lives and now being retired. I wouldn’t know, as the pension plan for freelance writers more or less dictates that you work until you die, or enjoy a nice vacation to your local 7-11, where you can go really wild and splurge on a Big Gulp.)

Anyway, I’m sure that you can understand—in light of their status as seasoned world travelers—why coming here is an unparalleled exercise in extravagance. (more…)