June 18, 2007 | What do I do all day?

I had the cavity the dentist found on Friday filled first thing this morning, because nothing starts the day off better than a cheek full of novocaine. The dentist’s office was positively mobbed this morning—I guess lots of people have suffered all weekend and ask to be seen ASAP on Monday—and my teeny little cavity was a low priority. I suspect the dentist knew he’d be running between me and several other patients, because he injected about a gallon of novocaine into my face and then LEFT for half an hour.

Laying prone on a dentist chair while you stare at the ceiling and poke your rapidly-numbing face isn’t actually all that much fun after the first two minutes, it turns out. (more…)

June 17, 2007 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Last week I remembered that my deep freezer would need defrosting before the move. Actually, a frost-free deep freezer should be defrosted once a year or so. So naturally, the last time I defrosted it was sometime in 2002. I’m talking there was stuff on the top shelf that was frozen TO the shelf and then covered over in a frosty freezer- snowbank.

Defrosting the freezer means the freezer needs to be emptied out. Which means I needed to get over the fact that yes, it’s wasted money to throw away the burritos I bought on sale in 2004, but it needs to be done. Likewise with the bag of frozen corn that fell behind the petrified pork chops, and the BLUE ice cream that my ex-husband bought and I shoved to the back of the freezer. (more…)

June 15, 2007 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", The Year of Living Changerously

We have entered the final week, and that means that by the end of this weekend, 95% of everything I own must be packed, given away, or trashed.

I sort of hate packing, so I’m mostly getting rid of stuff. Do you need anything? Air conditioner? Dining room set? Some toddler-sized clothing that I still have for reasons unclear even to me? How about some maternity clothes? (Why yes, I was last pregnant over seven years ago. What’s your point?)

Chris definitely started me on the right track and now if you stop by my house you will certainly leave with a carful of stuff. So. Come on over. (more…)

June 13, 2007 | Friends

I’m not sure how to write about this, and I’ll tell you right now that I have no idea how it ends.

This is about a dear friend of mine, someone who has seen me at my best and seen me at my worst. Someone who has been a part of my life for years and watched my kids and held my hand through my divorce and offered to kick Otto’s ass when he broke my heart years ago and was amongst the first to celebrate when we got back together.

This is about someone who is going to be very angry at me for a long time, most likely. (more…)

June 12, 2007 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

This would’ve been better yesterday, but my timing is off. Oh well.

Nevertheless, some of you asked for evidence, so here it is.

Today I skipped directly to number 5, myself, so I’m pretty tired now.

June 11, 2007 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

My children are partners in crime to the Nth degree. The flip side of the times when they pick and nudge at each other until I’m shrieking “NO! ONE! TOUCH! ANYONE! ELSE!” is that occasionally they manage to figure out that they can band together. Against the other people in the house.

Oh, that’s right. I’m the only other people (okay, person) in the house.

And as is not at all uncommon amongst this age set, their very favorite time to go running around all giggly with each other is when I am trying, for the love of all that is holy, to usher them along in getting ready for bed. (more…)

June 10, 2007 | Ottomatic For the People

Dear Otto,

Tomorrow we have been married for one whole month! I can hardly believe it. So far our marriage is progressing amazingly; we’ve not had a single argument and finally living together hasn’t brought any big changes or unexpected surprises.

Oh. Wait. That’s because we haven’t actually lived together, yet. My bad.

We spend several hours every day on the phone, and several hours instant messaging online, just like we used to do before we got hitched. This is totally easy! Why didn’t we do this earlier? (more…)

June 9, 2007 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I can now say I’ve started packing. Hi! I’ve started packing!

Dude. Should you ever need to pack up a whole house in a couple of weeks, you should totally lure Chris to your house. She is brutal but effective. Had my children been home this weekend I feel certain that she may have talked me into giving them to Goodwill. She takes no prisoners, and she is vehemently opposed to packing anything extraneous.

Which—according to her—pretty much covers everything I own.

But it’s hard to argue with someone who volunteered to come help you wade through and box up all your crap, you know? (more…)

Friends

The following all-points bulletin has been issued for the New England states:

Earlier today a beloved mother of seven disappeared from her home after a series of instant messaging exchanges. Police have been able to recover only small pieces of this communication, and can’t make heads nor tails of the messages within or determine with whom the vanished woman was speaking. The only clues they’ve extracted include these snippets:
enough family time
TWO WEEKS!
packing
heeeeeeeeelp
liquor?

Concerned citizens should be on the lookout for a petite woman in a minivan who appears somewhat robotic. She is believed to be headed north and is easily lured by the promise of margaritas.

Her family is praying for her safe return.

June 8, 2007 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

After agonizing over water in plastic bottles to top off our “authentic” colonial lunch, I arrived at the picnic to observe something interesting.

Many of the children were clad head to toe in elaborate costume. Girls in bonnets and petticoats; the whole nine yards. But Chickadee and I ate our eggs and biscuits and apples surrounded by kids toting lunch in wicker baskets… although those lunches contained juice boxes, ziploc bags, and all manner of modern food.

I think my daughter may have fibbed a little when she told me we had to eat colonial food. Maybe that was my penance for not making that damn bonnet. (On the other hand: mmmmm, biscuits.)