May 31, 2007 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony
As I’d already predicted, this was pretty much the week I lost my mind.
(That’s about all I’m going to say about that, for now.)
The natural fallout from this, however, is that I am perhaps A LITTLE STRESSED OUT, and the children react to this in different ways. Monkey reacts to it by giving me extra hugs and kisses and telling me that I am the very best Mama in the whole! wide! world! right before he runs off to do whatever he was planning to do anyway. Chickadee reacts to it in two ways: She either gets a stomach ache (or at least says she has one) or she clowns around until she gets a laugh from me.
Needless to say, I prefer the latter.
For whatever reason, she does her best work in the car.
It’s the end of the month, so there’ve been a lot of police cars on the road. Whenever we pass a cop car I am prone to call out “Hello, Ossiffer!” It makes the kids laugh, although I don’t know if they’re sure why it’s funny.
So we passed a patrol car that had pulled someone over and I bellowed my traditional hello. While Monkey giggled, Chickadee announced that she needed to make a phone call. I was about to ask her SINCE WHEN does she need to call someone from the car, when she held her hand up to the side of her head like a phone.
“Hello? Hello! Ossiffer! I am having an EMERGENCY, and I need someone RIGHT AWAY. Can you help me?”
“You’re having an emergency?” I asked her.
She held her hand out to shush me in an exact imitation of the way I do it to her, when I’m on the phone at home. I stifled a giggle.
“Ossiffer,” she continued, “This is a BIG EMERGENCY. There is a piece of CHEESE in the road. I REPEAT, there is a piece of CHEESE in the ROAD!” Monkey was laughing so hard I tried to remember if he’d been to the bathroom before we left the house. Chickadee appeared to be listening to a voice at the other end of her phone. “Yes. Yes. Uh huh. That’s right. The emergency is a piece of CHEESE in the ROAD. Aaaaaaaaand…” she paused dramatically, then took a deep breath and continued: “I NEED SOME CRACKERS. Please hurry!”
Now I was howling along with Monkey, and Chickadee “hung up” her phone by removing her phone hand from her (very large) grin.
“But… wait…” I finally managed to get out, “it’s so HOT outside. Don’t you think that a piece of cheese on the road would be all MELTED?”
“Oh!” she exclaimed. “You are RIGHT! Just a minute, please.” She flipped her hand-phone open again. “Hello? Hello! Ossiffer! I am having an EMERGENCY, and I need someone RIGHT AWAY. There is a piece of CHEESE in the road. I REPEAT, there is a piece of CHEESE in the ROAD. But it’s all MELTY. You need to come RIGHT AWAY, because I need some TOOTHPICKS and those little cubes of BREAD, please. ALSO, I would like some crackers. Okay. Thanks!”
I don’t know how I kept driving through all of this. Monkey was laughing so hard he was making little choking sounds, and I was gasping for breath.
“Let me get this straight, Chickie. You’re going to eat… ROAD FONDUE?” She met my gaze in the rearview mirror and shrugged.
“Only if the OSSIFFER hurries up with my LITTLE BREAD CUBES!”
“WAIT!” screeched Monkey, “Call him AGAIN! Tell him there’s a STEAK in the road!” He laughed and laughed, and Chickadee and I looked at each other and at him.
“A steak?” she asked him. Monkey nodded, still guffawing. “Monkey, don’t be silly. You don’t have crackers with STEAK.”
Right. Let’s not be silly.
May 31st, 2007 at 11:44 pm
Okay, now I see why I’ve been told to read you! Hilarious. How old are those children of yours?
June 1st, 2007 at 12:34 am
That girl has a career ahead of her. dayum.
June 1st, 2007 at 12:38 am
As for the stomachaches - I sympathize with Chickadee - I always get stomachaches in times of extreme stress, have since I was a kid, my dad didn’t believe me either.
TREMENDOUS STORY.
June 1st, 2007 at 1:28 am
Ahh, road fondue. A classic ;-) Chickie’s hilarious!! I know I’d pretty much never cease to be amused around her (especially if I just got to pick all the fun parts :P) but I love reading about it too!
June 1st, 2007 at 1:41 am
Oh, I needed that laugh right now. Thanks, Chickie!
All I got to hear from my kids today was constant fighting and the 7-year-old’s first use of the word “bitch”. (She’s in big trouble BTW).
June 1st, 2007 at 1:45 am
ah, kids know how to relieve stress. great story!
June 1st, 2007 at 2:47 am
OH MY WORD…. Now really I don’t even think my kids KNOW what fondue is and yours want to eat it off the road… priceless.
June 1st, 2007 at 4:40 am
Your children are amazing. I’m glad that they make you laugh.
And then you pass it to us. It really makes me smile.
June 1st, 2007 at 6:06 am
road fondue…fabulous!
June 1st, 2007 at 6:21 am
I can’t wait for Bob to get up so I can read this post to him… well, I might wait til he’s been up a little while. It takes him a while to REALLY wake up!
Chickie is so funny… what a great kid she is (I know, I know… when she’s not driving you crazy!) We have to drive up to Atlanta probably next weekend to pick up some equipment. You won’t be coming down, will you?
June 1st, 2007 at 7:00 am
Well, if the steak is cut into itty-bitty cubes, it can be dipped in the road fondue!
June 1st, 2007 at 7:16 am
Lol that is just too cute! Sounds like great kids you have there!
June 1st, 2007 at 8:06 am
So funny!!! Thanks for sharing!
June 1st, 2007 at 8:35 am
AND, your ads today include one for “Beautiful Fondue sets!”
Monkey & Chickie are the charming-est kids. :)
June 1st, 2007 at 8:48 am
I love it when my kids crack each other up. I love it when they crack me up. Oh, I’m easy. I love it when YOUR kids crack me up.
June 1st, 2007 at 9:08 am
That crack(er)ed me up. I swear, I think that’s what kids are best at. Making it all better.
June 1st, 2007 at 10:05 am
This is the best. I looooove this story. I’m saving it to tell my husband. He could use a laugh or two. :)
June 1st, 2007 at 10:27 am
“all melty”
>>
Most adorable story, ever!!! :o)
Mir, you and your children (and hubby too a’course ;)) are sooooooo pretty!
June 1st, 2007 at 10:27 am
Oh, YUM! Road fondue!!! Chickie is just awesome. That is all.
June 1st, 2007 at 10:56 am
De-lurking to guffaw at this one! What an amazing mind she has.
June 1st, 2007 at 11:58 am
This is the hardest I’ve laughed at one of your posts, and I’m telling you, that’s a LOT!
A friend of ours says that laughing is like jogging on the inside. I just put in some serious mileage…
June 1st, 2007 at 12:01 pm
AND–one your ads is for Police Ringtones! Helloooo, Ossiffer!
June 1st, 2007 at 12:29 pm
LOL!!!
Please be sure to ask the ossifer for a nice Sauvingnon Blanc to go with the Road Fondue.
June 1st, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Too funny! Have they, by chance, been watching any Wallace and Gromit?
June 1st, 2007 at 2:42 pm
How hilarious!!!!!!! She is GOOD!
June 1st, 2007 at 4:10 pm
I’m not sure what’s funnier, road fondue or the mental image of Monkey laughing so hard he’s making choking noises. I can’t hear kids laughing without laughing myself.
June 1st, 2007 at 5:03 pm
You have a traveling road show. Next stop?
June 1st, 2007 at 5:10 pm
I must ask — is Ossifer’s first name Phil?
June 1st, 2007 at 5:56 pm
omg–you should TOTALLY keep these kids
June 1st, 2007 at 9:13 pm
A sense of humor is a beautiful thing…so glad your kids got it. Also, your post brought me back to highschool…my 17 year old boyfriend was always saying ossiffer. Thanks for the laugh.
June 1st, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Yummmmm, road cheese. They are too, too cute.
June 1st, 2007 at 9:58 pm
I want to be part of your family.
June 3rd, 2007 at 5:46 pm
OMG! This is too funny! You know I absolutely love cheese right? Tell Chickadee, we can have us a lil “Cheese Party.” It will be the talk of the town! Featured delicatessen - melted cheese with bread cubes and [Ritz] crackers of course. :-)
June 3rd, 2007 at 6:36 pm
That is completely and unabashedly one of the sweetest and funniest things I’ve heard about a kid in a while. You’ve got yourself some real keepers there.
June 4th, 2007 at 10:26 am
ROFL! Road fondue. Oh, this is one of the best entries ever.