Drugging your child for fun and profit

Oh, settle down. There wasn’t any profit involved for ME.

As I mentioned in passing, Chickadee went to the dentist last week to have a couple of baby teeth out. She was perfectly fine until the syringe touched her gums, and then crocodile tears began to run down her face and the moaning started.

She was, in a word, terrified. And nothing any of us did or said made it any better, and the sweet young dentist removed her gloves and refused to proceed, saying that she didn’t want her to have a “negative experience that will sour her on dentists forever.” I didn’t feel like we were exactly leaving on a high note as it was, but I guess it was better than ripping her teeth out while she sobbed.

Well, today we had the Real Deal.

Dr. Oral Surgeon has a state-of-the-art office with gigantic widescreen computer monitors and kid-friendly art on the walls. The room Chickadee was placed in featured a kid-sized dentist chair in the center, and she passed some quality time playing with its armrests. (“They go out! And in! Look! See? Out! In!”) The staff was friendly and kind, and by the time I arrived (my ex brought Chickadee in while I got Monkey out the door and on the bus), the paperwork was done and we were mostly just waiting for Dr. OS to make his appearance.

When he did enter the room, Dr. OS was soothing and kind and apologized for his lateness, saying that he was having some painting done (no further explanation was offered; perhaps he was beating the contractors).

We did introductions and shook hands and I noticed that Dr. OS’ fly was unzipped. Which of course meant that from that moment on I heard absolutely nothing he had to say.

“Well, today we’re going to be removing—” Zip up zip up zip up! “And according to the xray—” Check the barn door! “We’ll use this mask—” WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!

This was of course accompanied by me trying to look somewhere, ANYWHERE, else. So I’m guessing I appeared to have some sort of vision problem, what with my wild-eyed casting about.

Eventually Dr. OS left the room for… ummm… I don’t know what, as I hadn’t been able to listen to anything he said before going. “Do you think he left to go zip his fly?” I asked my ex.

“What?” asked Chickadee.

“Nothing!” we responded in perfect unison.

There was some more waiting, and then Dr. OS returned. With his fly zipped. Thankfully.

“Alright, Chickadee,” he crooned as he lowered her chair. “We’re just going to put this mask on you, and you take some nice deep breaths and maybe you’ll feel a little floaty, okay?”

She nodded, hands clamped on the armrests. About 10 seconds after they put the mask on her, her hands unclenched and hung loosely at her sides. Dr. OS asked her if she was feeling floaty and she waved an arm in the air before lowering it halfway and seemingly forgetting that it was there, still semi-erect.

From my vantage point over by the wall, I tried not to laugh too loudly.

“Chickadee, I’m turning down the gas a little now. Do you feel like you had a little nap?” She murmured assent, head lolling against the headrest. “Okay, well you shouldn’t feel anything. I’m going to go in for the first tooth now, okay?”

“Mmmhmmmm…” her little arm waved a bit and then came back down.

Dr. OS went at her mouth with a pair of pliers and I watched, horrified, as he rocked them back and forth a couple of times and then extracted a dragon fang from my daughter’s head. My ex and I both said something astute along the lines of “WHOA!” as it was placed on the tray. From the looks of it, the tip of the root had been lodged somewhere in the vicinity of her belly button.

[Don't believe me? Don't click if you're squeamish: Exhibit A.]

“Chickadee, doing okay?” Another murmur. “Alright, that’s one, I’m coming in for the second one, now.” The second tooth was a repeat of the first, only this time Dr. OS casually mentioned that—orthodontic issues aside—she would’ve ended up having those teeth pulled, anyway, because they had unusually large, strong roots for baby teeth. “It’s a good thing she’s here!” he laughed.

They packed her mouth up with gauze and gave us aftercare instructions and let her dig through the prize box and sent us on our way. That’s when my adventure began.

Because, you know, my daughter is pretty amusing. But my daughter completely drunk? Is hilarious. And she was drunk.

As we started to walk out the front office door, she saw her father’s jacket hanging on the coat rack. This caused her to laugh and laugh and laugh. Because, jacket! On the rack! SO FUNNY!

In the lobby, we passed a newspaper machine. ALSO HILARIOUS!

By the time I got her into the car, she’d discovered that the slap bracelet she’d selected as her prize could be slapped around her wrist, sure, but also curled up to use like binoculars! Or slapped against her NOSE! I spent the drive home watching her in the rearview mirror. She giggled and lurched and generally enjoyed her incredible wit.

At home on the couch, she held conversations with the cartoon characters on the television, and grabbed up her extracted teeth to tuck into her upper lip and use as Dracula fangs. That one never got old.

The original plan had been to let her convalesce for the morning, then take her in to school… but after a hard morning of giggling at everything under the sun, the oozing, gaping wounds in her mouth were actually giving her some pain, and she was showing some signs of fatigue, coming down off her high. So I tucked her into my bed for a nap, and lay down with her for just a minute. We slept for over an hour, and both felt much better.

Except that I sort of missed Drunk Chickadee, afterwards. She was a party animal.

42 Responses to “Drugging your child for fun and profit”

  1. 1
    CharlestonGirl November 8, 2006 at 12:19 am #

    Glad you were able to get those things out of her mouth with much less stress for everyone involved! Did you ask them if they could give you some of that gas to take home? Just for emergencied of course! Hope you and chickadee feel better tomorrow!

  2. 2
    Karen Rani November 8, 2006 at 12:35 am #

    I see you riiing….I see your riiiing….

    That is hilarious – I had two teeth pulled right before braces and my mother laughed her ass off at me too. The best was blowing on soup that night, looking like half my face had fallen. My brother, step-father and mother were in hysterics and the more they laughed, the more I laughed and blew, and soup was everywhere – good times.

  3. 3
    InterstellarLass November 8, 2006 at 12:36 am #

    Dang! I need dentists that offer laughing gas!

    Those things are HUGE! Fangs of doom indeed!

  4. 4
    Patricia November 8, 2006 at 12:49 am #

    When I woke up from getting my wisdom teeth pulled all I could talk about was the Tooth Fairy — I was 19!! My mother was NOT amused.

    So, this leads me to the all important question — does Chicksdee get bonus tooth fairy dollars for the roots of doom? I mean seriously, does she still have a jaw bone or was it your plan to avoid braces by just having her entire lower jaw removed — perhaps replaced with laughing gas?

  5. 5
    Dana November 8, 2006 at 12:51 am #

    Oh man…I’m laughing my arse off about the dentist’s fly…not what I expected to read! :)

  6. 6
    Aubri November 8, 2006 at 2:02 am #

    Oh, and you made me laugh! I’m glad that Chickadee had a pleasant time with the laughing gas… that coming out of it bit is not so fun though. The last time I was on it, I was laughing so hard that even the dentist started laughing. I don’t remember any of this, but I was informed at the next visit. Something along the lines of “Boy you’re funny when you’re on laughing gas!” kind of like something you hear after a bad frat party in college… not very comforting. He still won’t tell me what I said.

  7. 7
    Whimspiration November 8, 2006 at 2:10 am #

    I had a tooth like that pulled in the exact same manner when I was about her age. *chuckle* I still have mine too :P Vicious-looking little bugger.

    Thanks for the giggle, and the memory.

  8. 8
    Muirnait November 8, 2006 at 2:54 am #

    Sounds like it was pretty durned amusing. :-) Hope her mouth feels all better soon.

  9. 9
    Sara November 8, 2006 at 7:30 am #

    Hilarious. Who knew a trip to the oral surgeon could be so amusing?! Hope Chickie is on the mend.

  10. 10
    David November 8, 2006 at 8:27 am #

    Yup, those are fangs, alright. Gawd, those things were huge!

  11. 11
    chris November 8, 2006 at 8:41 am #

    I wonder if I could get some that at home to hand out to the kids when they are having a bad day? No?

    Okay then, I was just kidding.

  12. 12
    tori November 8, 2006 at 8:46 am #

    Those roots were HUGE! When my daughter had surgery and had the medicine before it to calm her down she was hysterical too. My husband and I both tucked the look she had away for future reference because I’m pretty sure we shouldn’t see her look and act that way again until she’s over 21!

  13. 13
    OneTiredMomma November 8, 2006 at 8:47 am #

    I’m with you chris, ya think they sell that stuff by the gallon? If not, might be quite the profession to get into – for the take home goodies alone! ;)

  14. 14
    Kimmie November 8, 2006 at 8:55 am #

    OMG! What is with those TEETH??????

    Laughing gas for everyone!!

  15. 15
    Brigitte November 8, 2006 at 9:05 am #

    Fangs of doom, wow! I was going to tell you to just give her some Jolly Ranchers and have done with it, but I don’t think they would have cut it (but seeing her drunk with her mouth glued shut by Jolly Ranchers, that could have been pretty amusing).

  16. 16
    Christina November 8, 2006 at 9:13 am #

    OK, so I couldn’t bring myself to look at the tooth (thanks for making that optional :) ) but wow, sounds like she was tons of fun. I had some extracted just at the dentist without a needle, I should have insisted upon the laughing gas route!

  17. 17
    Juliness November 8, 2006 at 9:16 am #

    Lurve the laughing gas myself. Makes everything just a little bit better for everyone, huh.

    Glad to hear they came out and all is well.

  18. 18
    Velma November 8, 2006 at 9:28 am #

    We went through this with my daughter last year, and the funniest was watching her sniff away at the strawberry scented nose mask that they let her take home with this dreamy expression on her face. Once I got her in the car, she realized it looked nothing like a pig nose (“Wait a second! This isn’t a pig nose!”) and proceed to make pig sounds and fruit references until I almost drove us off the road watching her in the rearview mirror.

  19. 19
    Chris November 8, 2006 at 9:35 am #

    I don’t know about you Mir, me thinks you should go out for “open mic” night. Honestly, you are too funny. I needed that, Thank you!

  20. 20
    Jenn2 November 8, 2006 at 9:38 am #

    WHOA, baby! Them’s some roots! Those are worse than my mother’s when she misses her hairdressing appointment.

  21. 21
    MMM November 8, 2006 at 9:50 am #

    That’s hilarious! And DUDE! Those are some ginormous roots!!

  22. 22
    Alicia November 8, 2006 at 10:31 am #

    Like how you managed to slip in the engagement ring by photographing the teeth in your left hand!

    Congrats on your engagement! I have been internet-less for a couple of months and missed my daily fix of your blog.

  23. 23
    Aimee November 8, 2006 at 10:34 am #

    Good LORD but those roots were long! Eek.

  24. 24
    chris November 8, 2006 at 11:11 am #

    anything that can make a dental experience even mildly funny is all good in my book. thanks for sharing the joy!

  25. 25
    Kira November 8, 2006 at 11:41 am #

    Did you KNOW that there are cells in the gums of our wee ones, that are activated when it’s time for the adult teeth to come in, that EAT the roots of baby teeth?
    Or so a dentist told me once.
    Hmmm. Maybe he’d slipped me some of that gas, because now that doesn’t seem all that plausable.
    I think this whole post was an excuse to slip another photo of the ring in. You are a sly engaged one, you are.

  26. 26
    Heidi November 8, 2006 at 11:42 am #

    Omigosh, you were so funny this morning that I read your post out loud to my SO. Rauccous laughter ensued, which was indeed a gift seeing as how our septic system is backed up. You have NO idea the service you provide to humanity.

  27. 27
    Susan November 8, 2006 at 11:48 am #

    Kira, I’m totally going to Google that! Because it’s so weird that it almost HAS to be true, right?

  28. 28
    Cele November 8, 2006 at 11:51 am #

    I’m not a video camera person, it is at a time like this that I wholly understand the need to tape everything for future blackmail usage and overall joyous fun. Aren’t you glad she didn’t bite you before they removed the fangs?

  29. 29
    Zuska November 8, 2006 at 1:26 pm #

    I really want to believe that Kira is right about those root-eating cells, because those are some loooong roots Chickadee was sportin’! And because it has always puzzled me, just how short the roots of my kids’ teeth have been when they’ve finally fallen out – made me wonder how they managed to stay firmly in place all that time…

    Anyway, once again you have made a medical thingy seem like a hoot – thank you for the laugh!!! And I hope Chickadee is feeling fine today.

  30. 30
    daring one November 8, 2006 at 1:34 pm #

    We had to take Laylee into the ER one time because she go ahold of some…ehem…medicine and she was completely wasted. It was my scariest mom day ever, but all the nurses could say was, “At least you know that when she grows up, she’ll be a really fun drunk.” Nice.

  31. 31
    Lauren November 8, 2006 at 1:51 pm #

    At age 10 I had a tooth removed with a root just like that one. Instead of referring me to an oral surgeon, the dentist just kept pushing the novacaine needle deeper and deeper and then yelled at me for crying. Sounds like I really missed out on the good stuff.

  32. 32
    Katrina Stonoff November 8, 2006 at 2:50 pm #

    Oh, this is one of your best posts ever. I think I’m going to spend my day saying, “Zip up! Zip up!”

    And I’m still giggling about Chickadee.

  33. 33
    Em November 8, 2006 at 3:29 pm #

    I want that dentist!!!

  34. 34
    Amy-Go November 8, 2006 at 3:48 pm #

    I saw that ring included in the tooth pic, you sly girl!

    And OUCH, Chickie, what big TEETH you have! Glad she’s ok!

  35. 35
    Megan November 8, 2006 at 3:50 pm #

    Due to some long forgotten dentist trauma, for years I had to have nitrous oxide (aka laughing gas) to just get my teeth clean! I can tell you that from Chickadee’s side of the chair it was as much fun as it was watching her! I spent an entire cleaning pondering what would happen if I bit down on the fingers in my mouth (the taste, texture of the glove, the reaction, etc.). Ah, good times.

  36. 36
    Kim November 8, 2006 at 5:49 pm #

    Thankfully, I have not had a tooth removed but have had some gum work. I would gladly go to the dentist all the time if I could feel like Chickadee:o) Glad her teeth are out and all is well.

  37. 37
    Shiz November 8, 2006 at 5:59 pm #

    That’s awesome! A drunk daughter? My kids HAVE to take the gas. I insist!

    Totally wicked.

    Glad she made it through the ordeal.

  38. 38
    Katherine November 8, 2006 at 6:37 pm #

    Wow, that picture was amazing! I’m glad the experience went well for her and you got some entertainment value out of it al least. :)

  39. 39
    Lisa November 9, 2006 at 2:01 pm #

    When my teenaged son went in to have his wisdom teeth out, we had a similar experience only instead of only laughing, the gas seemed to also give him Confessional Urges. He started telling me all of these THINGS he and his friends had done…partying kinds of things…riding-his-bike-down-the-street-naked-on-a-dare kinds of things…things the mother of a 16 year old really doesn’t want to hear but can’t help listen to when her son has apparently been given truth serum by mistake. He’d tell me, then he’d start to laugh…and then I’d start to laugh, not because what he’d just confessed was so funny, but more because I knew he was SO going to hate himself later when he realized he’d told me. >:}

  40. 40
    Courtney November 9, 2006 at 10:02 pm #

    Oh how very entertaining!! :) When I have children of my own and they have dental needs I will be sure to insist on the laughing gas!

  41. 41
    Kestralyn November 14, 2006 at 5:10 pm #

    Having BEEN the child on the laughing gas for this exact reason, let me tell you: everything is freakin’ hysterical! My mom wasn’t able to take me to my first tooth-pulling appointment (yeah, you heard me: first!), but my long-time babysitter did. She was just rocking back and forth on her chair cracking up at me.

  42. 42
    Lux December 14, 2006 at 6:07 am #

    I’ve never been..um’ gassed..I sure would like to try it! :>

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