These are the things I do

I am a logical person, except when I am not. Obviously.

What?

I had a moment on the phone with Otto tonight where I stepped outside myself and listened to whatever it was I was nattering on about and felt a pang of sympathy for him. The words, good lord, the SHEER VOLUME OF WORDS, and most often about NOTHING AT ALL. It’s like I’m my own personal Seinfeld show, minus the funny.

Also minus the shirts tucked in, and running shoes.

I do things that make me insane and then I make Otto listen to it and you read about it. You ALL must be very bored.

I buy a 6-pack of children’s toothbrushes because SOMEONE in this house still likes to CHEW on a toothbrush and someone ELSE doesn’t do too spectacular of a job in RINSING a toothbrush and between these two things, I like to replace the toothbrushes rather often. I like to tell myself it cuts down on germ transmission, too, even though I know that the moment they are out of my sight each morning, these brilliant children of mine are licking bus seats on dares.

I cannot find the package because it isn’t in any of the logical places it ought to be (the kids’ bathroom closet, their medicine cabinet). It isn’t in any of the less-logical places it might be (my bathroom closet, my medicine cabinet), and it’s as yet evaded discovery in any of the completely ridiculous places it might be hiding (kitchen cabinets, my purse, that pile of stuff in the guest room). I refuse to buy more toothbrushes when I know that SIX perfectly good brushes are here in the house. Somewhere.

I buy 2 king size pillows for my impending king size bed and then realize that a duvet set comes with 2 shams, so either I need 2 more king size pillows or I need to resolve to put the large pillows in the shams and use an assortment of standard pillows for actual sleeping. This would involve stocking up on pillowcases (and sheds some light on how a store might run out of pillowcases before everything else) and maybe getting another pillow or two.

I make Otto listen to me muse aloud about this for an endless period of time even though 1) who cares and 2) I don’t even HAVE the new bed yet. The sad part is that I will likely subject him to the same thing once or twice more before it’s all settled. Because pillows and their associated trappings are THRILLING and ROMANTIC conversation. (I’m pretty sure this is NOT what people have in mind when they refer to “pillow talk.”)

I feel magnaminous and I whip up a surprise batch of cookies and then I torment the children by making them guess what I’m making. Monkey just guesses “chocolate chip!!” repeatedly, in the vain hope that wishing will make it so. Chickadee actually examines and sniffs the batter, and correctly identifies a few of the ingredients. (Which, when you think about it, is pretty good when you’re talking about cranberry orange banana oatmeal cookies.)

I then spend the evening eating cookies and obsessing over whether I should just give up the whole “redeeming nutritional value” thing and make them some damn chocolate chip cookies, instead. The cookies are pretty good, but now I will justify eating them by reminding myself that they’re practically health food. Meanwhile, the kids will wish for tollhouse cookies.

I change everyone’s sheets and towels and start a load of laundry. I feel productive and triumphant. I even remember to switch the load to the dryer right away.

I will forget about them entirely until the next time I need to put something in the dryer. And then I will bitch because the sheets are all wrinkly.

I am tired and want to go to sleep and decide that I will, just as soon as I blog a little.

I have nothing to say and yet here I am, saying it anyway….

16 Responses to “These are the things I do”

  1. 1
    Heidi September 25, 2006 at 12:09 am #

    Well, *I* have something to say! Want to know what I’m wearing? No? Well, don’t despair, this isn’t obscene. Due to one of your brilliant respondants, I’m wearing Hanes Boy Briefs, purchased from Target! Being anti-shopping AND anti-undies, obviously this is very big for me. So kudos to your reader. You know how they have the “See on TV” logo? You need a “Read on Mir” one.

  2. 2
    Marvo September 25, 2006 at 12:26 am #

    Okay, if Heidi gets to say what she’s wearing, I get to say what I’m wearing right now. Don’t want to hear it? Too bad!

    I’m wearing Gap boxers…and that’s it, because I just came out of the shower after going out for a jog.

    Oh wait, I’m also wearing a towel on my head like a turban. Does that count?

  3. 3
    Cele September 25, 2006 at 1:25 am #

    Mir have you thought about using your old pillows in the shams and fluffing the excess with batting?

    Just sayin’

    Plus we dote on your every word, so there.

  4. 4
    Whimspiration September 25, 2006 at 3:43 am #

    I find it most interesting, honest, and amusing to see the ones I care about blathering on about “nothing” in text. There is something pure and clean about the random and suprising “I don’t think I have anything worth typing, but here I am at the computer anyway” that makes me smile every time.

  5. 5
    Aarika September 25, 2006 at 6:00 am #

    I had this same thought regarding me last night when I heard myself saying to a guy friend, “So I says to myself, I says, ‘Do I want butter pecan or rocky road ice cream from Baskin Robbins?’ And, well, I got both. But they forgot to give me a spoon so I asked for a spoon. And they gave me one.” His response was, “Oh, really.” Which was actually generous on his part. But I bet sometimes Otto talks about stuff like…Otto-related toothbrush matters…and you absolutely listen to it even if your brain is all deedle deedle deedle while it’s happening. It’s part of the deal.

    Also, I know this isn’t a recipe blog but I’d like the recipe for the cranorangeoat cookies. So I can add chocolate chips to them. I mean…so I can make them completely pure.

  6. 6
    chris September 25, 2006 at 8:13 am #

    If Otto is anything like my husband he isn’t really even listening anyway ;-)

    Just throw in how do you think I’ll look naked lying among those pillows

  7. 7
    Juliness September 25, 2006 at 8:46 am #

    Sometimes I’ll be one the phone, rambling on for several minutes before thinking, “Holy Crap, I don’t even care about what I’m saying anymore…” And then I’ll be embarrassed because I’ve just subjected a friend to the inane banter that regularly occurs in my head.

    Good luck on the whole pillows/bed thing too. I have faith you will make the correct decision, grasshopper.

  8. 8
    Tracey September 25, 2006 at 8:47 am #

    Hello(from Australia)… I just found your website the other day and felt compelled to comment on this post (because so far there were only 6!) I _love_ the way you write; your wry observations on the daily STUFF that happens.. and the thought processes that accompany everything that happens with kids, and all the miscellaneous mundanities that pervade our family lives.. like decisions on bed linen. Love it. Can relate to so much of it!

    On losing stuff… my husband and I have this theory that lost things are very often always in the first place you looked. .. you just don’t look properly the first time. Doesn’t always work (still haven’t found my sunglasses from a couple of weeks ago!) but it’s always worth running that test!

    Wish I could write like you do!

    tracey

  9. 9
    tori September 25, 2006 at 9:16 am #

    I make “healthy” cookies most of the time too, and often wonder if I should just make some yummy ones. I think my kids would be pretty happy and also maybe wonder what happened to their mom. Although my very favorite chocolate chip recipe has oats in it and oats are healthy. Maybe I’ll convince myself that the oats counteract the chocolate and just go ahead and make them with no guilt. I’d love your recipe though.

    I find my husband sometimes nodding politely and pretending to listen wehn I talk and then I throw in the “and then the house was on fire and the firemen came and we had wild sex” as if it fits into whatever I was saying. Sometimes he notices, and sometimes he is still nodding politely and pretending to listen. I’m pretty sure he didn’t really hear it…either that or he would be ok with me having wild sex with some firemen.

  10. 10
    Aimee September 25, 2006 at 10:13 am #

    But you make having nothing to say so interesting and funny! That’s why I heart you.

  11. 11
    Bob September 25, 2006 at 10:24 am #

    blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda and then I said mush mush mush pink bloomers and a batman mask hoopdy doopdy take the cd out and put it back in snark snark snark to which he replied only that one time, but she said it was ok blah blah blah are you listening to me? typical.

  12. 12
    TrudyJ September 25, 2006 at 12:52 pm #

    I just make healthy cookies and then throw in the chocolate chips anyway. I mean, it’s not like the chocolate chips leach out the health value from all the other ingredients, and it makes the kids happy (OK me too).

    I would love that cran-banan-etc recipe though. Knowing I would add chocolate chips to it.

  13. 13
    Otto September 25, 2006 at 1:00 pm #

    You did not mention anything about toothbrushes in our last conversation.

    Sheets, sewing, pillows (two king, three regular), duvet covers, pen and pencil sets, little black purses, small people playing soccer, the Bobopedic, duvet covers with a HUGE rose on it, psychological disorders of the family, problems with the postal service, friends with pneumonia, estate sales and healthy cookies, but not one word about toothbrushes.

    See, I listen. And then I sleep well. B-)

  14. 14
    Bob September 25, 2006 at 1:28 pm #

    Bobopedic? maybe I wasn’t listening……

  15. 15
    Genevieve September 25, 2006 at 2:33 pm #

    “I know that the moment they are out of my sight each morning, these brilliant children of mine are licking bus seats on dares.”

    My brilliant child, Monkey’s age, licked the cafeteria FLOOR on a dare.

  16. 16
    carolyn September 25, 2006 at 9:33 pm #

    I too would like the recipe. I’m afraid my kids eat way too much junk. Maybe I could make those cookies and fool them into eating something healthy.

    Also, one time my then-2 year old, licked some kind of liquid off the floor in a mall. I still cringe everytime I think about it. The good part is, she’s almost 14 now, so it must not have affected her, unless the sassy-bad attitude stuff is caused by mystery-liquid drinking??

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