Today was rainy and grey and gross and so I decided we should take a trip to the happiest place on earth.
No, not Disney. (Have you ever BEEN to Disneyworld? Or for that matter, Disneyland, which is where I spent my pseudo-honeymoon (that’s another tale entirely) and where I encountered a whole lot of hot, impatient, and generally obnoxious people? Disney is not a happy place. It’s a place where people paid a lot of money to stand in line all day and eat overpriced food.)
We went to Target. Obviously.
Normally, I have a whole routine at Target that’s based upon cruising the endcaps for clearance. But in my recent travels of throwing away, donating to charity, eBaying, and just generally going “good LORD but I own a lot of CRAP” I have decided I am no longer allowed to just “go shopping.” None of this looking for random bargains thing. I can only go out for specific items.
It’s true that other things may jump into my cart. Today, for example, I went out for bedding and also came home with scissors and underwear. (They were on clearance!) But I have to have an actual mission.
So. Today. Bedding. Thanks to your excellent advice, and also this here quarter which I flipped, I’ve decided to buy a king bed. Of course that means that I need all new bedding for it, so I’ve been accumulating things bit by bit. While I did score the Absolute Bestest Comforter In The Whole Damn World (this one, in case you’re interested, although it was cheaper when I bought it) (and I already know its kick-ass quotient because I have the same one on my bed now and I love it beyond all reason), I’ve yet to find a duvet cover for it.
Wait. Clarification: I’ve yet to find a duvet cover for it that I’m willing to purchase.
Clearly it was time to stroll through Target. Off we went, and I realized immediately that my clearance-sensing talents are still well intact, because there was an entire section of bedding on clearance. Like, 75% off clearance. So I started digging around for a duvet cover, because why pay $100 for one when I can get one for $25?
Chickadee helped me look, while Monkey spun around in circles next to me and said “This is boring. Can we go now?”
It turned out that in king size I had several options:
1) Gigantic shocking pink flowers on a white background, wherein I couldn’t decide which was more horrifying—thinking about the white getting dirty or just trying to get away from the PIIIIIINK,
2) Neon orange and yellow squares in a delightful configuration which I’m sure I would’ve appreciated if my retinas weren’t scorched by the colors,
3) A delightful medium blue with a large yellow rose splashed across the front.
None of these were right. But all of these were just $25.
[This evening I was chatting with Otto via instant message and I sent him a link to a picture of the yellow rose cover to ask if he liked it. His response was, "Ummm... ummmm... did you already buy it? Because if you did I guess I do. Otherwise no." I think his training is coming along nicely.]
Now, what I really wanted was this cheerful striped cover that coordinates with the striped sheets I found, but although EVERY OTHER COVER in that designer’s line was on clearance, that ONE cover was not on clearance. Wasn’t even on sale. Yes, once again I walked into an entire aisle of items 75% off and picked up the one thing that was full price. I have excellent taste.
Anyway, I had settled on the blue cover with the yellow rose and it coordinated with the striped sheets that go with the striped cover that wasn’t on sale. But the sheets were on sale. So I decided to get the sheets, too. Chickadee and I dug and dug and dug—because whenever there is clearance at Target, people turn into rabid animals and just throw stuff all over the place on the shelves—and found king sized striped sheets, flat and fitted.
But no pillowcase.
But, hey! At 75% off, who cares? No need to have striped pillowcases. We’d just find some OTHER pillowcases that coordinated. There were two entire aisles of clearance. No problem.
Except that it was a problem. Because in two aisles of clearance bedding, there were no pillowcases. No. Pillowcases.
By the time Monkey had ceased twirling in circles and begun crouching on the floor, doing his best impression of “halfway dead with boredom” and complaining, “This is booooooring, I’m tiiiiiiiiired,” Chickadee had found one set of pillowcases and I had found one set of pillowcases.
She found king sized cases in a grey stripe. Which, incidentally, was quite possibly the ONLY color NOT represented in the striped sheets. Except for… PINK. Guess what I found?
I found standard cases in electric pink. Wrong size, wrong color.
And that was it. Two packages of pillowcases awash in a sea of sheets.
Is it coincidence? A communist plot? Did someone swoop in and buy all of the pillowcases as part of a nefarious plan to try to rid the world of pillows altogether? I shall never know.
But we did actually get into the car and drive to the OTHER Target in the vain hope of finding suitable pillowcases. (Upon arrival, Monkey took one look around and declared, “Awwwwww, man! We were JUST HERE!”) We found… one grey striped set, and one pair in solid chocolate brown. And that was it.
Apparently it’s at least a citywide problem. If you’ve noticed the same issue at your local Target, well, perhaps we should start forming the resistance. Power to the pillows, people. We won’t let them get away with this.
Are you with me? (Also, do you have any king sized striped cases I can buy off of you?)