Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Archive | June, 2006

The incredible (and true) story of Whitey McBrother

by Mir on June 8, 2006 in I'm dating the television

As I mentioned in passing in this post, in the midst of the UNBRIDLED JOY of having a private pond right here in the house for my convenience, geeFlarmony got off its collective ass and sent me a match.

A match with a man who didn’t know if he was black or white, in fact. And so he was dubbed Whitey McBrother, based upon his picture (white) and his statistics (black).

And I knew, pretty much right from that fateful start with his conflicted self, that this wasn’t going to go anywhere. I probably should’ve just closed the match and moved on. But I was in need of some distraction. And some blog fodder. So… I proceeded with the match.

Buckle up, my darlings.
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Also, the 3-handled family credenza* was ruined

by Mir on June 7, 2006 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

So late last night I got a phone call from someone at FEMA, and he asked if my refrigerator was running, and when I said yes, he told me to go catch it.

Not really. But wouldn’t that have been great?

Actually, he said he was going to be in the area today, and could he come by the house and survey the damage? Why certainly, I replied. You bring your boots and I will supply the swamp! And so the date was set.

Lucky for me, it was pouring again today, and nothing puts that crazed gleam of desperation in my eyes like RAIN THAT WILL NOT END, EVER. When Mr. FEMA showed up with his associate, I licked them both all over and took them down to the basement.
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Belted

by Mir on June 6, 2006 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony

[But first, we interrupt this post for a Very Important News Flash: It's that time again! Go! Read! Write! Win a book!]

I have to say, I’m having a real love/hate relationship with Tae Kwon Do. That in itself is pretty funny, considering that I’m not the one taking classes. And I’m surrounded by friends whose children are doing Little League right now, whose voicemails chirp “I’m not here, probably because we’re out on the field!” Class is twice a week. This shouldn’t be a big deal.

And yet, I had such high hopes when Chickadee really took to the discipline. In the beginning, “Tae Kwon Do” was delicious as it rolled off my tongue. Now I often say “Tae Kwon Do” with an inflection that makes it sound EXACTLY like “Goddamn PAIN” and that seems… bad.
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Post-Floodatic Stress Disorder

by Mir on June 5, 2006 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

This morning, the pump broke. Or, to be specific: It made lots of noise, but it simply refused to suck. I futzed and fuddled with it and took the hoses off and put the hoses back on and consulted my ex. (“It took me a while to get it going, before,” he assured me. “You may need to just put your finger in the holes a bunch.” I pondered this and responded, “This is your professional advice? ‘PUT YOUR FINGERS IN THE HOLES A BUNCH?’ Is that what the directions recommend?”)

I could get it to suck water directly into the intake hole as long as I didn’t attach the hose. (“It says in the instructions not to put the intake hole directly into the water!” “Before or after it says to put your fingers in the hole??”) No matter how I might try to attach the hose (under water, out of the water, full of water, empty of water), as soon as I got it on there, the suction would die.

And so did I, a little bit.
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When five more inches is just too much

by Mir on June 4, 2006 in My name is Grumplestiltskin

Actual voicemail, left for my insurance agent early this afternoon:

Hi, Agent, this is Mir Lastname, at xxx-xxxx. I was just calling to find out what’s happening with that second adjustor… he never called. OH, and to tell you that if he needs to come out, now would be a good time, because thanks to that last storm, my freshly sanitized basement IS UNDERWATER AGAIN. I swear that once I find some dry matches, I’m going to BURN THE HOUSE DOWN. Thought you should know. Hope you’re having a SWELL weekend. Okay. BYE!

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Dr. Mama and Mrs. Dork

by Mir on June 2, 2006 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

I’m still chuckling over this post by sweetney at BlogHer, which is about confessing and embracing our dorkitude as bloggers.

The thing is? I was a ginormous dork ‘wayyyyy before I started blogging. And more and more, as I evolve in my role as Actual Mom as opposed to Idealized Mom, I realize that there is just no hope for me. Sure, I can dress up and take out the Mature and Parental Mommy, but there is always another side to me.

Just tonight, for example, I took up the mango seed I’d carefully extracted from the pit of a mango we three enjoyed a few days ago. It had been soaking in water, and I gave a brief horticulture lesson while we planted it.

… and then I sat down with the kids and watched The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, planning to be bored, and I ended up laughing longer and harder than they did. (David Hasslehoff saves the day! I couldn’t help it! But still! DORK!)

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About face

by Mir on June 1, 2006 in Friends

Today actually WAS the day it all started getting better.

*cue the angel chorus*

And I would just like to thank all of the fine folks who made it possible! There’s been so much whining here of late (this is where I peer around with a critical eye, as if I’m trying to target the whiner(s) because it surely was not ME), I just have to share the GLEE. OH, the glee! Due largely to this fine contraption:

22' of hot dumpster action
THANK YOU, Blurred Out For Purposes of Anonymity Dumpster Providing Service!
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