Ancient Rome suddenly makes a lot more sense

Admittedly, I shouldn’t be watching–or then, admitting that I watched–Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy.

I should be ashamed. I am ashamed. Would you like some cake? I just baked it. You need cake with trash TV.

Anyway.

This two-part episode where they swapped a new-age hypnotherapist with a devout Christian was a neat idea, I guess. I mean… dramatic tension and all that. I certainly understand why they thought it would make good entertainment.

And swapping a new-age hypnotherapist with a devout Christian WOULD’ve been good entertainment, I think.

But this show was just a little bit different than that. Just a tad. See, this show was swapping a new-age hypnotherapist with a batshit crazy FREAK.

I fell under the spell of Car Wreck Syndrome. I really WANTED to look away, but I just COULDN’T.

Understand: I’m sure that non-Christians everywhere are using this show as proof of what deranged, misguided morons Christians are. That’s not my point of view. For me, it’s worse than that.

For me, as a Christian, it’s mortifying to think that millions of viewers are being presented this utter loon as an example of Christianity. People like her are the reason that people like me are used to hearing, “Oh, you’re a Christian? I never would’ve guessed.” Maybe you never would’ve guessed because with people like THAT giving themselves carpal tunnel syndrome from forming the cross a bazillion times a day roaming free while shrieking “I AM A GOD WARRIOR!” I am just going to fly right under your radar.

Here’s a handy cheat sheet for how to determine if someone is a Christian or just a mental patient. (I think they could’ve used this at Fox.)

Christian:
Reads the bible.
Mental Patient:
Waves the bible in your face, screams that you are DARK-SIDED.

Christian:
May be willing to discuss their personal relationship with God.
Mental Patient:
Earnestly insists that you must accept Jesus into your heart RIGHT THIS SECOND OR RISK ETERNAL DAMNATION.

Christian:
Understands that we are each working out our own salvation.
Mental Patient:
More or less sticks fingers in their ears and goes LALALALA any time anything other than the glory of the lord is discussed.

Christian:
Is not afraid of appliances.
Mental Patient:
Believes the thumping sound from the dryer is Satan.

Christian:
Prays for others in a sincere and usually non-public way.
Mental Patient:
Loudly calls upon God to intervene at their behest.

Christian:
Is not afraid of learning.
Mental Patient:
Is so afraid of being “tainted” that being exposed to anything different causes a dramatic breakdown.

Christian:
Might enjoy a solstice celebration if there was good food.
Mental Patient:
Believes the moon was created by Satan and beating a drum for fun is tantamount to raping babies.

Christian:
Treats others as they wish to be treated.
Mental Patient:
Treats others like garbage in the name of their beliefs.

Christian:
Would refuse money in connection with something which they felt was truly repugnant to their beliefs.
Mental Patient:
Acts like a possessed loon on national television, making a huge stink about how awful everything has been… and then takes the money even though it’s, you know, FROM SATAN HIMSELF.

It would’ve been a-okay with me if they’d fed her to a lion at the end of the show. Heck, I really think God wouldn’t have minded. He was probably just as embarrassed by her as the rest of us were….

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50 Responses to “Ancient Rome suddenly makes a lot more sense”

  1. 1
    wendy November 9, 2005 at 11:09 pm #

    I *may* have doubted your ability to buy a respectable pair of boots…..

    *hangs head in shame*

    ……but I will forever love you for this post, a true litmus test.

    there are some that fail to understand the power in loving a neighbor as themselves and first removing the entire wooden dock they have crammed in their eye. Gives me rash.

    I have a dock in my eye, too, but at least I acknowedge it – it’s always handy for tying up one’s jet ski or motorboat.

  2. 2
    Sarcastic Journalist November 9, 2005 at 11:16 pm #

    I really hate how the “media” (okay, people in general) portray Christians. I think the majority are normal people just trying to live their lives like everyone else. But since it is cool to NOT be a Christian now, everyone thinks we’re these crazy Fundies throwing Bibles at sinners.

    Nah, many of us have little blogs and drop fbombs from time to time.

  3. 3
    Zee November 10, 2005 at 12:19 am #

    OMG, I don’t know how you were able to sit through that show; just watching the commercials creaped me out!!! Literally – chills down the spine every time it came on. That woman is a loon.

  4. 4
    buffi November 10, 2005 at 12:33 am #

    Gee, I missed that episode. And I don’t regret that one bit.

    Very well said, Mir. I agree wholeheartedly.

  5. 5
    danelle November 10, 2005 at 12:45 am #

    As a Christian married to a pre-saved (I’m working on him in my meek mild way) man, this episode was just BLECH. Thankfully he sees that my relationship with my Lord isn’t anything like that.

    I felt so sorry for her kids.

  6. 6
    Allison November 10, 2005 at 1:44 am #

    Thank you for this. I’m not personally religious but my family is and I know so many awesome Christians who are not fundamentalist whackjobs. It drives me nuts when people assume that all Christians must be like this woman or Jerry Falwell or whoever. Christian should not be a dirty word, and it kind of is, at least among a lot of the people I know.

    But what’s funny to me about this is I saw a few of the ads for this show, and granted, I didn’t pay much attention, but I didn’t even realize she was being designated as the show’s Christian. I thought they just chose some crazy lady to scare the crap out of everyone.

  7. 7
    Swedish Girl November 10, 2005 at 5:49 am #

    Hi! I followed a link from Nothing But Bonfires and ended up here. I really liked this post – funny and sane! It’s always annoying when you are forced into the same fold as some lunatic, just because said lunatic claims to share your beliefs…

    Those who scream loudest gets the most TV time, while the rest of us actually get along fine, regardless of religion or lack of…

  8. 8
    Sheryl November 10, 2005 at 6:15 am #

    I saw the preview for it, if she had painted her face and donned a costume she could have joined the World Wrestling Federation (for the glory of God, of course). Great post

  9. 9
    Crystal November 10, 2005 at 7:19 am #

    Oh, god… it was TERRIFYING to watch this woman, and realize people like that exist. Crazy Woman, meet Xanax. Jesus himself developed this drug just for YOU. I promise.

  10. 10
    ~L. November 10, 2005 at 7:19 am #

    That was just brilliant. I saw the preview but didn’t realize FOX was pushing her as a Christian. It’s crap like that that makes me terrified of church/state coming together. I mean, I may theoretically be the same religion as these people, but I sure as hell don’t want them telling me how to worship!

    Also, I’m glad you took one for the team and watched this so I didn’t have to. I would have been so spluttering mad I wouldn’t have been able to be at all funny.

  11. 11
    Theresa November 10, 2005 at 7:44 am #

    I never watch that show, but I HAD to watch after I saw the previews! She really is a bit off, isn’t she? LOL

  12. 12
    Kestralyn November 10, 2005 at 8:17 am #

    Is she any crazier than that church in Kansas that felt the need to come down to Norman earlier this week to protest all the “fags” in the military at a hometown boy’s funeral? Any time you’ve got six people and you need a bunch of motorcycles to drown them out so the family can actually have their ceremony without being told that God wanted their son dead because he was a fag because he was a soldier, you’re not dealing with a full deck. Don’t forget — God hates the US because we’re all fags.

    I almost broke my toothbrush listening to that report yesterday morning. And I use an electric, so that would have been about an inch of plastic I was crushing.

    When those are the people who put themselves out as Christian, what is the rest of the world supposed to think? At the same time, ask your Muslim neighbors how they feel about the suicide bombers, etc. that are claiming to do their violence in the name of God. They feel the same way you do; that’s not us! And don’t forget, there are even whacked out, violent Buddhists out there. Intelligent people know it’s not the religion, it’s the person.

    Sorry to use your comments as a rant spot, but I’m still seething about a lot of this.

  13. 13
    ben November 10, 2005 at 8:58 am #

    Okay, Mir, you’re starting to give some of us mental patients a bad name. Please don’t lump us in with that batshit crazy person…

    ;)

  14. 14
    Peek November 10, 2005 at 9:11 am #

    Damn, I missed it. Love your recap though. The one question I had, somewhat unrelated to this whole thing, why are Catholics not considered Christians, don’t they believe in Christ? Just wondering…….

  15. 15
    Fraulein N November 10, 2005 at 9:15 am #

    I know I shouldn’t be laughing because something was clearly wrong wrong WRONG with this woman, but like you said, it’s the Car Wreck Syndrome all over. I’m just mad I missed the second part because I had to watch Lost.

  16. 16
    Heather November 10, 2005 at 9:22 am #

    What else can I say but, “Amen, Sistah!” (I crack me up. But seriously…) I saw the same thing in that show and I whole heartedly agree. She planted a seed alright–of doubt and distaste I am certain. It didn’t help that she pronounced it “dork sided.” Interesting side note-she was from New Orleans. We can only imagine she interpreted Hurricane Rita as Satan with a headcold sneezing down her door and flooding her city. I have to feel compassion for her as she lives in a destroyed city now (albeit $50K richer) and she is quite literally coukou for Cocoa Puffs in my book.

  17. 17
    Jessie November 10, 2005 at 9:36 am #

    Sounds like I missed an interesting (although cringe-inducing) show. And thanks for the clarifications. I do agree that maybe Fox should have put a little more thought into their casting.

  18. 18
    Ninotchka November 10, 2005 at 9:47 am #

    I’m embarrassed to admit that I watched it too. That lady was NUTS. I knew she’d take the money.

    Lord have mercy!

  19. 19
    Aimee November 10, 2005 at 10:28 am #

    Mir for president! Or at least someone who has the guts to say what you just did and realize that most of us are smart enough to distinguish between batshit crazy and Christian.

  20. 20
    divinecalm November 10, 2005 at 10:53 am #

    Amen, sista!

  21. 21
    Bob November 10, 2005 at 10:59 am #

    I didn’t watch the show (there was a blah blah award show for Steve Martin on…) but I did see a commercial for it – I thought they had brought the South Park bus driver to life and gave her a family. (I didn’t see the bird, though).

    I can’t stand any of these “reality” shows. They’re anything BUT real.

  22. 22
    Angela November 10, 2005 at 1:34 pm #

    o shit. Please tell me the deranged, snake handling, mental patient, christian freak-o-nature was NOT from Alabama. Please, please, please.

    If bad press hurt Christians in general, you should see what it does to Christians in the South. Believe it or not, some of us actually wear blue jeans, make-up, cut our hair and enjoy sweaty sex.
    Er…did I write that outloud?

    And for any deranged, snake handling, mental patient, christian freak-o-natures that may be reading this, I can assure you that Jesus does know all of that about me AND the fact that I started this comment with “o shit” and we are STILL on speaking terms.

  23. 23
    Justin November 10, 2005 at 2:03 pm #

    Definately the Train Wreck Affect. I knew I shouldn’t watch but I coundn’t help myself. I don’t really think anyone could view her as being representative of anything but people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Her younger daughter was very sweet. I hope she makes it out not too terribly scarred.

  24. 24
    Hazel Hazel November 10, 2005 at 2:07 pm #

    Yeah, I watched it too and that type of bible-beater really ticks me off as a Christian. I think the program did both a service and disservice to Christians.

  25. 25
    muzik November 10, 2005 at 2:41 pm #

    I refused to watch that show because I thought it was just another advertiser-product-pimping nightmare. However, had I known it was to be an edifying religious experience I would have tuned in.

    Maybe next week…

  26. 26
    Heather November 10, 2005 at 2:52 pm #

    Thanks for clarifying, Mir :D I would say I’m fairly passionate about my faith, but I’m pretty sure I’m not loopy like that woman.

  27. 27
    sarah November 10, 2005 at 3:07 pm #

    AMEN! And futhermore, the “CHRISTIANS” on the new Amazing Race…yha shouldn’t be and are MEAN!

  28. 28
    Amy-GO November 10, 2005 at 3:36 pm #

    THANK YOU for the clarification! As a non-loon Christian, I have to say that I’m pretty fed up with being treated like a freak every time I mention my faith. Do you think you could send this post to CNN? Not that they would read it on air, or anything…

  29. 29
    dad November 10, 2005 at 3:43 pm #

    I knew you were going to get lots of respondents to this post. It’s pushing at the edge of both ends of the envelope of propriety. There are hot buttons everywhere. I suspect if you keep it up your readership will get far more vocal and you may even get some hate mail.
    I, on the otherhand, love you and thought it was hilarious.

  30. 30
    Heather B. November 10, 2005 at 4:49 pm #

    You mean to say, that you don’t walk around screaming “I’m a God warrior. I rebuke this in the name of the Lord” at the top of your lungs?
    I fell under car wreck syndrome as well. I wanted to turn off the tv when she got back home and started screaming at her family then tore up the check. But I couldn’t. And did you see that space-no GAP-between her teeth?? wow.

  31. 31
    Snow November 10, 2005 at 5:00 pm #

    Oh, we’ve been through some of these recent bouts with rabid Christianity at my house lately. My former father-in-law is a snake handling Pentecostal minister (and I do mean that literally, yes). He recently told B that the end of the world was near, and his Mommy will be going to hell. I assured B that the only people going to hell when the world ended would be people who frighten little children. GAH!

    By the way, my daughter refers to all reality TV shows as “car wreck viewing”.

  32. 32
    Cali November 10, 2005 at 5:03 pm #

    Feel sorry for her kids – pray that they truly find out that Christianity isn’t a screaming, full-out psycho-rant. I felt so sorry for the little girl-her litle eyes were just so scared. This would be a good case for protective services – except religious freedom means she can mess these kids up for life legally.

  33. 33
    Tracy November 10, 2005 at 5:13 pm #

    Oh man I wish that woman could get a copy of your post. You worded it PERFECT!!!

  34. 34
    joaaanna November 10, 2005 at 5:27 pm #

    I couldn’t NOT watch that show. Good heavens she was nuts! LOVE your post – you nailed it!

    Oh and Peek – as a Catholic I consider myself a Christian and I think most are. Called Catholic because we practice Catholism. Baptists/Lutherans/Methodists/etc. are Christians aren’t they?

    Mir – thank you for making me laugh!

  35. 35
    Brenda November 10, 2005 at 5:35 pm #

    The loon from the show is probably related to this person: http://www.demonbuster.com.

    This website gives you the opportunity to learn how to cast demons out of you (because everything bag that happens is caused by demons) and purchase Mary Kay cosmetics. They also have a home for sale, if you’re interested. Probably guaranteed demon-free.

  36. 36
    Brenda November 10, 2005 at 5:36 pm #

    The loon from the show is probably related to this person: http://www.demonbuster.com.

    This website gives you the opportunity to learn how to cast demons out of you (because everything bag that happens is caused by demons) and purchase Mary Kay cosmetics. They also have a home for sale, if you’re interested. Probably guaranteed demon-free.

  37. 37
    carson November 10, 2005 at 8:27 pm #

    A certified demon-free home? I’m packing right now. . .of course, I travel with my own demons, so that wouldn’t work.

    I’m another Christian–I teach the children at CBS, a national organization that Newsweek referred to as “Bible boot-camp”, cause W. attended it in the just-coming-down-from-the-coke days. I have never told anyone that I rebuke them in Jesus’s name.

    As far as the Phelps group, what they do has nothing to do with Christianity.

  38. 38
    cmhl November 10, 2005 at 11:00 pm #

    this post was a work of art— I love the comparisons. I liked to it on my site..

  39. 39
    cmhl November 10, 2005 at 11:01 pm #

    I meant I LINKED to it. ugh.

  40. 40
    Suzanne November 10, 2005 at 11:06 pm #

    Thanks for the recap. I had seen the commercials, but didn’t take the time to watch the show.

    This entry was probably more fun to read than the show was to watch anyway. :)

  41. 41
    alektra November 10, 2005 at 11:43 pm #

    I understand the feeling, Mir. I am SO glad sometimes that the whack jobs don’t consider Catholicism Christianity (he-llo! we’re the first group!). Hugs. And there are a lot of us sane, nice Christian folks out there who are normal, not even Ned Flanderish.

  42. 42
    Colleen November 11, 2005 at 12:03 am #

    I ALMOST watched the Trading Mommy show based on the preview commercials. I wanted to see that psycho christian bitch in action for myself, but I was gone both nights it was on. I even seriously considered taping it, but I didn’t. I still wonder about it though. I’m sure it will be on reruns during the summer.

  43. 43
    siscokid November 11, 2005 at 11:02 am #

    Hey I got the link from FFD. You made some great points about that show. ITs a shame they put someone on there to portray Christianity like HER. She totally needs mental help.

    I really feel for her daughters and grand daughter.

  44. 44
    Vicki November 11, 2005 at 7:04 pm #

    Oh, happy day! I got hooked when I chanced on the first part and then missed the secod part. Now I feel ever so much better.
    I think you nailed those differences nicely, Mir.
    Thanks.

  45. 45
    r d leveridge November 12, 2005 at 4:31 pm #

    Does’t surprise me at all that the network would air this woman as a typical Christian. Just take a look in the mirror. The ungodly way the socalled “Christian right” treats gays and lesbians makes this woman look like a saint.

  46. 46
    Kris November 12, 2005 at 5:11 pm #

    Someone needs to have that eucharistic minister melt down thorizane and form it into a wafer. The ultimate holy Mickey.

    For all that is holy, this body was given from christ just for you, YOU CRAZY BEOTCH!!

  47. 47
    misty November 13, 2005 at 11:25 pm #

    You hit it on the head with your comment.No christian lives there life that way and still call themselves christain.Just looking at the reaction on her husbands face and kids face I dont even think they were aware she had this in her.She is really some one that needs prayers and
    her family also.

  48. 48
    Kari November 15, 2005 at 8:18 pm #

    AMEN.

    Well said. Very well said.

  49. 49
    Christy November 16, 2005 at 8:38 am #

    Too true, sadly! Well said, and I’m glad I found you through MommyBloggers!

  50. 50
    Bakerina November 16, 2005 at 5:02 pm #

    Oh, Mir. If I haven’t said “Free cookies for Mir for life!” yet, let me say it now. You are getting so many free cookies that you and Monkey and Chickadee will have to move to a bigger house to accommodate them all.

    That was brilliant, my love. Absolutely brilliant.

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