October 23, 2005 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

It’s Sunday night, and I’m all about the deep thoughts. There are so many unknowns in this world… I only wish I could unravel the truth behind some of these complex issues. I think I would sleep better at night. Hey, I would certainly sleep better at night if a man who adores me was all cuddled up with me, but that would probably lead to him stealing the covers and snoring and farting and God only knows what else, plus that’s just not happening anyway, so let’s proceed on the theory that my sleep will be aided by figuring out some of these things, instead.

And stop looking at me like that.
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October 21, 2005 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

As most of you have figured out, I don’t respond to all of the comments and email I receive. I try to be pretty good about it, but oftentimes things get lost in the shuffle as I’m working or beating the children or just generally living life. And lately I’ve gotten all sorts of questions and emails and I’m just thinking it may be time to address some of these things.

So then I thought, I could go through and answer all of those emails! And comments! And I could call my parents more often like a good daughter! And be more patient when my kids ask me the same questions over and over!

But those inclinations–thankfully–passed quickly. Instead I think it would make a lot more sense to post for the general edification of those around me. Which sounds so much more altruistic than saying that I am just lazy.
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October 20, 2005 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

My children are old enough now that we’re almost beyond the age of hilarious malapropisms. Alas! For some reason, though, Chickadee has a mental block with the word teriyaki. And this is particularly unfortunately because she just LOVES teriyaki chicken. So she’ll ask me if we can have karaoke chicken for dinner, and I’ll tell her I’m just not sure the chickens will be able to hold the microphone, and she becomes very annoyed with me. This doesn’t stop me from cracking the very same joke the next time it happens, by the way.

Anyway, I wasn’t thinking about amusing word play when little miss so-not-a-morning-person walked into my room this morning at o’dark thirty, half-dressed. Usually I have to DRAG her out of bed, and I’m sure that if I’d been, you know, AWAKE, I would’ve thought to myself, “Self, this is quite unusual.” But instead, I uttered the first profundity that occurred to me: “S’early.”

She slipped into bed beside me and we went back to sleep.
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October 19, 2005 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

A friend of mine called me early this morning to tell me to look at the front page of our local paper. I found this… odd. But I did as she said, and then I understood.

My divorce attorney—whom I had hired both because he was a friend of a friend and because he seemed very genuine—is, um, well… he’s in jail. Like, actually locked up, behind bars, being held on some ridiculous sum of cash-only bail. He is charged with embezzlement of a huge chunk of money, as well as tax evasion.

Gah. I guess I should just be glad this didn’t happen a couple of years ago while he was working for me.

Of course, my friend and I discussed how it’s simply not possible that the charges are true. Surely it’s a mix-up of some kind. Surely he’ll be found innocent. Unless he’s not. Because I guess sometimes people are capable of terrible things, even when you think they’re not.

It wasn’t really the way I wanted to start my day.
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October 18, 2005 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

We all know how much I absolutely LOVE to have my picture taken. Yes! It makes me SO HAPPY. Not AS happy as prolonged vomiting, mind you, but slightly happier than, say, a rectal exam. (I’m pretty sure the sarcasm isn’t directly related to photography, but who knows. It could be a side effect of the PURE RAPTURE.)

Anyway, in spite of my deep love of various representations of myself in photos–which invariably yield something where I appear to either be swallowing my own chin or displaying my teeth to prove that I am indeed related to Mr. Ed–I was so excited today, I had to take a picture.
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October 17, 2005 | What do I do all day?

I’ve been running about three hours behind ALL DAY. Could someone please find me a few extra hours? Pretty please? Also, it would be good if someone would be kind enough to get the “Nookie” earworm out of my head. I do hereby solemnly swear that I most certainly did NOT take that cookie and stick it up my… ummm… anything. I just ATE the cookie. And by cookie I mean COOKIE, nothing else. Sheesh.

So, uh, by way of illustration, I’ll just mention that I got the kids off to school and then worked feverishly in my pajamas until… umm… lunchtime. Then I had a shower and put on real clothes and made a sandwich and worked until it was time to get them. Then we came home and I threw them outside to play so I could work some more. I stopped for a while to attend to dinner and homework and showers and reading and bedtime, then resumed work once again until… ummm… just now. And I need to get back to it.

Procrastination + deadlines = Mir needing MUCH MORE caffeine
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Job? Huh?

Remember last week when I mentioned going off Unemployment? No, I did not take another full-time job. But I have officially surpassed what I qualify for in Unemployment, purely on freelance contracts. For those keeping score at home, I started this little adventure in earnest approximately 6 weeks ago.

Pardon me while I give myself a pat on the back. And a cookie.

Speaking of cookies, I hope you’ll come visit me at one of my newest gigs.

October 16, 2005 | I'm dating the television

There’s a phenomenon in reality television shows that I refer to as the “but NEXT WEEK” principle. Basically it has to do with dramatic tension and how–depending on a given show’s construct–each successive episode is even more scary or riveting or unexpected or WHATEVER than the last. Things just grow and grow and there is no going back.

For example: I have a friend who desperately wants to be on “What Not to Wear” on TLC. I’ve nominated her a couple of times, and I suspect that some of her students have as well. But WNTW has already done square-dressing school teachers. They can’t possibly do another one, because now they’re however many episodes in and the people they feature now are regularly heading out to the grocery store wearing nothing but burlap sacks tied up with rope, and for formal events they don polyester jumpsuits in various flowered patterns. The fact that my friend relies overmuch on polarfleece really can’t compete.

When those nanny shows started up, the kids in them were stubborn and rude. By now, you tune in to one of those shows and the nanny is confronting a small army of shrieking minors armed with AK-47s and fully rotating heads.
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October 15, 2005 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

1) A child appears on the stairway after lights-out, saying, “Mama?” You…
A) Fork the sign of the cross in his general direction.
B) Shriek “GET IN BED!”
C) Pretend not to hear him.
D) Sigh heavily and answer, “Yes, honey?”

2) He continues on with, “Can I use the bathroom down here?” You…
A) Begin performing an exorcism.
B) Grab a switch and commence thrashing.
C) Pretend to be dead.
D) Raise your eyebrows and manage, “Why…?”

3) “Because I feel like I have to throw up, and the garbage can in the bathroom up here is full.” You…
A) Inform him that vomiting is exceedingly unholy.
B) Bellow, “DON’T THROW UP IN THE TRASHCAN!”
C) Go to the kitchen for some cookies.
D) Hustle the child into the bathroom at lightning speed while your own stomach hitches.

4) Small, pitiful child is now standing over the toilet coughing and gagging. You…
A) Pray.
B) Duct tape his head to the commode so he doesn’t make a mess.
C) Take a nap.
D) Rub his back and try not to gag while you murmur soothing words.

5) After a prolonged attempt, the child produces nothing more than a small loogie–spitting it into the potty and announcing that he feels fine now. You…
A) Set him on fire.
B) Tell him you’ll show him what throwing up is.
C) Rent out his room.
D) Burst into hysterical, relieved laughter and carry him back to bed.

Who says my Saturday nights are boring?

Retail Therapy

I have a million things I should be doing today, so naturally I decided it was time to give in to the gazillion comments I’ve received about the text on the t-shirts being too small. If you go to the Woulda Coulda Shoulda shop you’ll see that all of the shirts now come in easy-reader versions. Heh.