Archive | August, 2005

Weekend Confessional, Part 3

by Mir on August 21, 2005 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Job? Huh?

Welcome to the third and final chapter in this series. After tonight, I’ll have nothing left to confess for a while. I think. I still can’t remember where Jimmy Hoffa is, but that could change after a few more treatments. *twitch*

So. If you read Chapter 1, you know that I’m often plagued by a variety of guilt-inducing concerns, both large and small. And if you read Chapter 2, you know that some of my recent wallowing had to do with being unlucky in love.

It stands to reason that Chapter 3 be the crowning glory in a series of regrets, no? I don’t think this will disappoint. But how, you ask, does one top a mother’s anguish over pop-tarts coupled with organic milk, and then a love betrayed?

Easy.
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Comments { 112 }

Weekend Confessional, Part 2

by Mir on August 20, 2005 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

Now that I’ve gotten the minutiae out into the open, I think I may be ready to handle some of the bigger stuff. Here I am, about to do what I do–which is, apparently, overshare, without enough censoring. If you’d like to play your part, after I do so you will stomp on my heart and tell me it’s my fault for being too honest!

Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Also, now I have this whole new strategy where the heart-stomping won’t happen any more, on account of I no longer give a damn. That comes later, too, but I’m very proud of my new outlook. You’ll see.

But to start: Hi, my name is Mir, and I confess that I have terrible taste in men.
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Comments { 18 }

Weekend Confessional, Part 1

by Mir on August 19, 2005 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

I’ve realized over the course of the last few weeks that there are a number of things I want to get off my chest. And you know, for SOME reason my therapist refuses to meet with me every single day. And so I turn to you, dear Internet, for my absolution needs. I think that’s fair.

What you need to understand about me is that I have perfected the art of guilt. Consider me a trifecta of self-condemnation: I’m female (lord knows there was never a man who felt badly about anything that didn’t result in physical pain), I was raised Jewish (need I say more?), and I’m a mother (two kids = four times the guilt!).

The end result is that some of the things I feel badly about are bona fide issues, and others are not. But they ALL contribute to the ulcer I’m nurturing.
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Comments { 16 }

I only use it for medicinal purposes

by Mir on August 18, 2005 in Health is overrated

I had a lot of trouble getting dressed today.

Oh, sure. There are many things I’ve yet to master in this life, and putting clothing on my body usually doesn’t make that list. But today was different, because today I was heading over to the hospital for my BONE DENSITOMETRY scan.

BONE DENSITOMETRY (as my handy brochure rushed to tell me) “is performed to measure the denity of bone in the spine and hips.” Furthermore, “BONE DENSITOMETRY allows your physician to assess your risk of stress fractures due to bone loss.” I guess the method where they just twist your arm a little and see if your wrist snaps has fallen out of favor. Anyway, my informative brochure also stresses that “Metal and plastic in the area being examined interfere with the exam. Please avoid clothing with snaps, buttons and zippers. Jogging suits, slacks or skirts with elasticized waistbands, and a jersey or knit top work well.”

I do not own any jogging suits, nor any item with an elasticized waistband. Nope. Apparently, I am a slave to snaps, buttons and zippers.
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Comments { 17 }

Indispensable guidance

by Mir on August 17, 2005 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

Today was quite a lovely day for having a 34th birthday. (Thirty-FOUR, people. Why do you all want to make me older? Is it the grey? Sheesh.) After several days of storms, today was sunny and temperate. I ate my body weight in mexican food for lunch. The children produced adorable gifts for me, even while ratting out Daddy for taking them shopping YESTERDAY. (Dude, seriously. Your next wife is not gonna go for that crap. You had them with you for NINE DAYS STRAIGHT and you had another adult there to help you. Where in the bible does it state that thou shalt not shop more than 24 hours in advance?)

My parents sent me funny cards with money in them. I love money! I mean, um, I love funny cards! And the friend who took me to lunch gave me a gift certificate for a store that doesn’t sell anything useful, because she is a genius. (True story: Another friend gave me a gift card to Target one time, and I used it to buy stuff for the kids. I am not so good with the whole “spoil myself” thing, sometimes.)

And people called, and emails came, and comments were left (thank you!) (you’re pretty!!), and insomuch as it’s possible for me to feel warm and fuzzy these days–which, granted, is not all that much because I’m working on that whole “dead inside” schtick–today was pretty good.

But wait–there’s MORE!
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Comments { 16 }

In lieu of sex and drugs

by Mir on August 16, 2005 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Something very exciting is going to happen to me, tomorrow. I’d thought that my recent trip was all the fun one person could stand in a lifetime, let alone a single week, but there is no stopping this. Ready or not, time is marching onward.

Actually, a whole bunch of exciting things are happening tomorrow, if you want to get technical about it. It’s pretty much going to be a non-stop bonanza of ECSTASY around here! Wooooooo!

You’re jealous. It’s okay; I understand. It’s a natural response. Don’t hate me because my life is thrilling!
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Comments { 27 }

Bite me, Supercuts

by Mir on August 16, 2005 in Detritus, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Am The Obvious Salon Choice:

10) My haircuts are free.
9) I tell you how cute you are while I’m trimming.
8) I’ll warn you to close your eyes so I can blow on your face to get the little pieces of hair off.
7) And sneak a kiss then, too.
6) You don’t have to wear shoes.
5) Or pants.
4) If you get thirsty during the cut, I’ll squirt you in the mouth with the spray bottle as many times as you want.
3) Sometimes I pretend the clippers are attacking me.
2) There is almost always candy afterwards.

And the number 1 reason…
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Comments { 8 }

Bid early, bid often!

by Mir on August 15, 2005 in Detritus

Have I mentioned lately how super-swell I think Joshilyn is? No? Well, she totally is.

She’s the sort of person who will totally let you overstay your welcome in her house, eat all of her food, wreck her plans, and blow zerberts on her children.

She’s the sort of person who will rescue fluffy kittens from trees and pet them (and you) when they (or you) are down but also make you snort your smoked salmon salad with a well-placed witty observation.

She’s the sort of person who will join in plugging a worthy cause and also auction both her work and her time just to help out a friend in need.

Read the whole story, then go bid. If Joshilyn’s auction doesn’t float your boat, you’re on CRACK; but there’s pages of folks to choose from, so you’re bound to see something you need. Plus, how often does anyone actually get the chance to rescue a kitten? Not very often. Do this, instead. You don’t even have to get out of your chair, and you could end up with something very cool in addition to the warm, fuzzy feeling you’ll get from Doing A Good Thing.

Comments { 1 }

It’s all Ashton’s fault

by Mir on August 14, 2005 in Friends

I know that on Friday night I grandly promised that I would be back the next day with pictures and more tales and perhaps a pony and a decorative vial of crack for each and every one of you (who even KNOWS what I promised; I was just the smallest, wee bit tipsy), but it turns out that I lied.

But as we know that I am always blaming others, I have chosen to blame this on Mr. Kutcher. Do not even attempt to talk me out of it; it’s all his fault and you cannot convince me otherwise. Exhibit A: We rented another Ashton film on Saturday night, hoping to have a repeat of ceaselessly mocking his emoting “skills” as it was such fun the first time. But DAMMIT, the movie we selected was actually pretty funny. Damn you, Ashton Kutcher! You are the reason that today’s kids are lazy!

Also, Atlanta is apparently located in a bizarre band of magnetic weirdness where batteries get a single wiff of the moist, verdant landscape and are immediately depleted of all energy. I brought two sets of batteries, took hardly any pictures, and all of the batteries died. Ashton’s evilness knows no bounds, I tell you. Hide your children. And batteries.
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Comments { 13 }

Blunk drogging

by Mir on August 12, 2005 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

Kira is here! I great big giant puffy pink heart her. So much. Really. And not just because I’ve had a fair amount of wine. I swear.

I am fairly certain that the energy created by the three of us all in one place has disrupted the earth’s orbit.

ANYWAY! Kira is talking to her boys in the phone, which has necessitated a break in our studious viewing of The Butterfly Effect. I ran upstairs and grabbed my computer and was only drunkenly confused by its refusal to start up on account of my dead battery and the cord being unplugged for about five minutes. I think.
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Comments { 8 }
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