June 19, 2005 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I called my father today to wish him a happy Father’s Day, on account of I would get a great big F in “Sandwich Generation;” I can either focus on my children or my parents, but not both. As I’ve been rather busy with the kids of late (read: trying to keep them alive and relatively well cared for while keeping from them the fact that I am a blubbering mess), I neglected to even send my father a card. (See also: I suck.)

But, hey! The advantage of being a mess–or maybe it’s just the advantage of having a cool Dad, I dunno–is that a phone call seems to do the trick, and everyone is relatively happy. Plus I get to vent about how much fun it is to be a parent these days!

(Sure, he can do the “I had to walk to school four miles in the snow uphill both ways barefoot” story, but he never had to endure the drama that is dealing with a modern public school. I win!)
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June 17, 2005 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Enough with the ponderous. Blah blah blah, losing my mind, blah blah blah blah. Boooooooring. Let’s take a vacation, shall we?

I skipped the Friday Flashbacks last week. Time to return, and time to inject a little levity into things, I think.

So! Today! Memorable occasions of sucking face (for better or for worse). Play along, won’t you? Everyone’s got some good kissing stories. Or should. I don’t know that mine are really any different than anyone else’s, but it does give me a giggle or two to recall some of the men I’ve licked. (Sorry, Dad.)
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My name is Grumplestiltskin

So, on the one hand, I am feeling a vague shell of my former self. Which–under the circumstances–is a GOOD thing. As recently as a few days ago I still pretty much felt like a troglodyte. Even approximately feeling human is progress. Huzzah!

On the other hand, I went to great, grovelling lengths to get scheduled with my (former) therapist because it seemed like I might benefit from some head-shrinking at this particular juncture in my life (go figure). I had to make many phone calls and snivel a lot and then wait over a week for today to arrive, for my appointment at 12:15, at long last. I zipped across town with palpable relief.

Guess what time they had me scheduled for! Go on, GUESS!

(Hint: NOT 12:15!)

So what I get today is a lot of apologies and a new appointment (in two weeks; which, WOW, I sure am glad I’m not in crisis or anything!) and on Monday I get to have a brief phone call because it’s possible I look like I am about to bite the heads off of puppies, or something. I’m not really sure.

It’s okay. Really, it’s fine. I will look back on this and laugh. Why, look! I’m laughing, already! While banging my head on the desk!

June 16, 2005 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Actually, I am just a little tired, and a little sick of being sick or whatever it is that I am, but any time I start a sentence with “I’m a little…” I have the overwhelming urge to finish it off with “TEAPOT!”

So you’re all so, so pretty, and kind, and I, I am a little teapot. I hope to someday grow big and strong and maybe be a coffee urn once I’m back on my feet. I’m told it’s important to have goals, so there you have it.

Until then, thanks for having my back. Shiny new pennies and Ativan for each and every one of you.

June 15, 2005 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

You know how sometimes it seems like you’re Doing The Right Thing and it ends up totally biting you on the ass? No? Maybe it’s just me. I am incredibly talented when it comes to digging large holes which I later trip and fall into and wonder what the heck happened.

So, take my current, ahhh, situation. I’m fine! No, really, I’m just fine! Perfectly fine! See, that’s my stance the majority of the time. I mean, sure, technically I am so far from fine that I remember fine about as well as I remember high school trigonometry, but I am not going to unload on every random person who asks how I am. Or on my coworkers. That’s what the internet is for! Haha!

Wait, where was I? Oh yes. The fine and the not-fine and the Doing The Right Thing that totally isn’t. It’s all coming back to me now.
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June 14, 2005 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Me: Wow, that was really nice of you, Chickadee. Monkey, what do you say to your sister?
Monkey: BOOGER!
Me: Monkey!
Monkey: Sorry.
Me: What do you say?
Monkey: Thaaaaaank you–
Me: Better–
Monkey: –wiggy wiggy wiggy BOOGERS!

I’m thinking of opening my own finishing school.

June 13, 2005 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

The weather is mimicking my moods, or else perhaps my mood is being influenced by the barometer. The temperature soars to a stifling 95 or so, and just when the air is so sodden it seems it must crash down around our ears, it does. Thunderstorms; brief but intense. One minute, all is calm… the next, the thunder and driving rain are deafening.

The storm passes. The sun comes out again, and the earth dries out. And the temperature begins its slow creep towards the breaking point, again.

Mother Nature has an odd sense of humor.
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June 12, 2005 | Growing

Many of my loved ones are people I characterize as being islands. You know the sort–they can HANDLE it, all by themselves, thankyouverymuch. In times of adversity I am always one of the first to smack these people around and say “You don’t NEED to be an island. Let some people in… you may be pleasantly surprised at how much it HELPS.”

Of course, I know this island sort, because I am one of them.

I believe in asking for help when you need it. But I don’t need it, you see.

Shut up.
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June 9, 2005 | Health is overrated

Have you seen the movie The Ring? I know how they could make it scarier.

Cuz, I dunno, maybe I’m just weird, but I didn’t find it all that scary. And I know people who claim it’s the best horror film they’ve ever seen. To be fair, I suspect that most of those people spent the entire film staring into Naomi Watts’ cleavage, but still.

My cleavage is not nearly so impressive, but I still think I’m ripe for a remake with an even better plot twist. Okay, FINE. I’ll wear my push-up bra.
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My name is Grumplestiltskin

If I was going to use my new, expensive screenhouse as an analogy about resilience and then it rained really hard and the thing snapped in three different places, what would that mean, exactly?

Wait. Nevermind. I don’t think I want to know.