Archive for December, 2004
December 17, 2004 | Detritus
1) Upon arriving home from school, the children won’t stop bickering. You…
A) Lock them in the basement.
B) Knock their heads together.
C) Sell them to the gypsies.
D) Convince them that you’re having a blast whitewashing the fence vacuuming, dusting, and cleaning, and get them to spend an hour working for you!
2) Your parents are coming for the weekend. However, the children will be going to their father’s for the night, and you have a dress rehearsal Saturday morning. You…
A) Don’t mention this to your folks.
B) Piss your ex off by changing plans at the last minute.
C) Risk the choir director’s wrath and plan to skip rehearsal.
D) Detail the situation to your visitors in an email and suggest they plan to arrive on Saturday.
3) Assuming you answered D, above, your parents…
A) Agree it makes the most sense to come on Saturday.
B) Call you Friday night… from the halfway point…
C) To say they don’t want to wake the kids…
D) And have to be reassured that coming now is fine.
E) Will be tormented mercilessly about their inability to read.
4) You’ve had four hours of sleep. The house is still messy. Guests are arriving in a few hours. You…
A) Run around like a madwoman, cleaning every crevice, and making everything perfect.
B) Have some more caffeine.
C) Remember that it’s possible that these people are aware that your house is messy, and the chances of them calling CPS are slim.
D) Throw a pie in the oven and watch “What Not To Wear.”
5) There are three baskets of clean, unfolded laundry sitting in your bedroom. You…
A) Dutifully set to work sorting, folding, and putting away.
B) Hide the baskets.
C) Swear loudly when you trip on one and spill your Diet Coke with Lime.
D) Figure that if you push them against the wall in a straight line that’s pretty much like cleaning up.
6) It is 11:10 and you are still waiting on your visitors. On four hours of sleep. You…
A) Head to bed.
B) Have some more caffeine.
C) Move.
D) Remind yourself that if you manage to stay up until they arrive, you can have a piece of pie.
Posted by Mir @
11:10 pm |
Monkey: Why did the chicken fly?
Me: I dunno, honey. Why?
Monkey: Cuz her kids flew away! And she was chasing them!
Me: Oh… haha…?
Chickadee: My turn!
Me: Okay.
Chickadee: Why did the dinosaur lay an egg?
Me: I dunno, sweetie. Why?
Chickadee: Cuz she wanted to see what her baby would look like. And it was a CHICKEN!
Who could ask for anything more?
Posted by Mir @
7:48 am |
The good news is, choir went pretty well tonight, and I think our concert will not be a total disaster.
The bad news is, I am still not as comfortable with some of the music as I wish I was.
The good news is, The Jackass called twice while I was out at rehearsal.
The bad news is, I strongly suspect he only called because of this complicated network of friend-of-a-friend women and someone reading him the riot act.
The good news is, he called again after I got home.
The bad news is, I knew right from hello what was coming.
The good news is, I’m smart! And funny! And interesting!
The bad news is, I am not smart enough or funny enough or interesting enough to override the basic male instinct to FLEE FROM THE CHILDREN.
The good news is, I did not imagine that we had a great date.
The bad news is, when I got out my car keys and he saw the picture of my children dangling from my key ring he thought “what am I doing?”
The good news is, he was man enough to tell me the truth. Finally.
The bad news is, it still makes me feel like shit.
The good news is, I was polite. Mostly.
The bad news is, I wanted to scream and rant and rave and point out that I was concerned about exactly this and brought it up several times and oh, by the way, I’m not exactly shopping for a new Daddy for my kids. They have a father. I just want a man who is man enough to share me.
The good news is, I am relieved. I’m relieved to have some closure. I’m relieved it went no further.
The bad news is, I am so tired of this.
Posted by Mir @
10:25 pm |
The mentally ill would be me, of course; and maybe Joshilyn, but we are going to forgive her for planting the image of people buttering dogs in my mind on account of she is pretty and nice and a published writer. Also I’m afraid she might kill me in my sleep if I speak ill of her. (Haha! Just kidding, Joss! Don’t hurt me!)
Today I learned the following useful things:
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Posted by Mir @
6:03 pm |
Brought to you this evening by my stellar, cheerful mood, and also the little bit of questionable alcohol I found in the way back of my fridge. And we all know that these are the classic ingredients for true wisdom (even if I did type that as “widsom” the first four times). Also by my deep abiding love of alliteration which is so very magnified in my tipsy state. Yay!
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Posted by Mir @
10:52 pm |
Monkey turned to ice multiple times this morning. Tragic, really. I’d be asking him to do something like, say, put on his socks, and suddenly he would be stock-still intoning through nearly-motionless lips “Uh oh! He’s frozen in a block of ice!”
A good way to generate enough heat to melt a big block of ice is tickling, by the way. I’m just sayin’.
Chickadee has had a nasty cold for about four days, now. I know she’s sick because she produces the ongoing Symphony of Snot–you know the one, it’s that continuous snuffle-gargle sound–until I fall to my knees and cry out, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD please get a tissue and blow your nose!” (Her response? “Okay!”) Also she is more irritable than usual… not that that’s an easy feat, but yes, it is possible. These are classic signs of Chickadee Illness.
I am able to recognize these signs in my daughter not because I am a fabulous mother and have known this child for six and a half years, but because her room sounds like a TB ward at bedtime. Hacking cough for hours on end? Why yes, you’re sick. I’m brilliant.
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Posted by Mir @
11:47 am |
Up until very recently, I had always thought–nay, assumed–that I had a firm understanding of human nature and the English language. These two things are not inherently related; no. But together, they would lend a person (say, me) the insight necessary to interact with others in a productive manner, or at least to grasp why people do and/or say the things that they do.
Today it’s time to confront the truth. Thirty-three years of life; thirty-one of those spent talking nearly non-stop. And the reality is that my language skills or my interpersonal skills or–most likely–both are so insufficient as to be laughable.
It’s a marvel I’ve been able to fake my way through civilization for this long, really. A testament to my fortitude in the face of adversity, you might say. Or, you might just point and laugh. And I would deserve it, so go ahead.
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Posted by Mir @
1:22 pm |
Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to the last couple weeks of craziness leading up to Christmas we go….
I love Christmas. In theory. Sometimes even in reality. But not usually. And the two weeks beforehand? I could do without.
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Posted by Mir @
5:23 pm |
Again, I share because I love. If it worked for me it can work for you! And it’s guaranteed to work or I will point at you and laugh really hard. Just kidding. But really not.
It’s foolproof; I promise! Only 27 simple steps!
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Posted by Mir @
8:59 pm |
When you have a life and a job, it’s Monday that you hate.
When you’re me, Friday wins the Most Dreaded Day Of The Week contest, hands down.
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Posted by Mir @
9:41 pm |
