October 31, 2004 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony
Please study the attached mug shot carefully. These criminals are said to be armed with sugar and dangerous. Last seen somewhere in the New England area, they are guilty of previous tantrums, giggle fits, and all-around hyperactivity. They are particularly dangerous when in disguise, as they then believe they are not responsible for their actions, e.g., “It wasn’t me, it was that other knight,” and “Well that’s what dragons DO, I couldn’t help it.”
Forced to wait an entire day to launch their latest campaign to rot out all their teeth, tensions are running high and the infighting has begun. Even with the time change, dark cannot come soon enough. The hours until nightfall will be fraught with tension and they are to be considered most volatile until then. Please keep your distance and speak in quiet, calm tones.
Desperation may cause these suspects to turn to cannibalism. The public is warned to stand back and only dial 911 in case of actual bloodshed or fire. Most importantly, do not attempt to bargain or withhold candy. Comply quickly and they will leave you unharmed. Refusing to meet their demands may result in the suspects forcing you to sniff their stinky feet, followed by consumption of your underwear.
Let’s stay safe out there, people.
